Baltimore Jokes

Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.

A man from Baltimore dies and goes to hell... He had been a bad man his entire life and therefore the devil made sure to give him extra work in the hottest fiery pit of hell. After a week goes by, the devil stops by to see how miserable the man is, but instead finds the man happily going about his work. He asks the man: ""Why are you so damn happy? Shouldn't this be miserable for you?"" The man replies ""This isn't any worse than May in Baltimore. I'm used to this."" The devil, enraged that his …

Crummy Valentines jokes If my heart were ground beef, you would be the charcoal that cooks my fat out and kills my bacteria. If my heart were a toothpick, it would pick you. If love were a streetcorner in Baltimore, you'd be my crack dealer If my heart were a mexican goat, you would be el chupacabra If our love were milk, it would be curdled and coagulated beyond the point of safe ingestion. If our love were milk, it would be whole. If our love were a dogfighting vessel, it would sail freely int…

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym. He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player. After an uneventful flight and some trouble getting the timpani through customs, the weary orchestra checks into their hotel. The performanc…

A mailman is baffled at how to mail a letter addressed ""to the greatest drummer in the world."" So what is he supposed to do? He's gotta send it. He hoofs it back to the post office, and shows it to his boss. The boss says, ""come on man, send it to Chick Webb."" So he does. Chick Webb, the bandleader from Baltimore, sees the letter on his kitchen table and says, ""Jesus! That can't be for me. I'm good, but come on. That's gotta be for Gene Krupa."" He scribbles out his name, puts in Krupa's ad…

What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore? Old Bae

At a bar in Baltimore shortly after the riots ... there is a group of people arguing, two men; one a biologist, the other a physicist, walk up to see what's going on. ""What the hell are you arguing about?"". The man responds ""Well he says the police did their job! He's racist, black lives matter!"". ""Well to be fair, all lives matter, we all contribute to our society in a way that helps us evolve"" says the biologist. The physicist getting a little frustrated says ""you're both crazy, everyth…

I have the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the Baltimore Zoo.

Have you heard the joke about Baltimore? It's a riot!

Did you hear about the housing prices in Baltimore? I hear they're a riot!

Kevin Hart is performing in Baltimore tonight..... Should be a riot :p

If John Cena lost in Baltimore at Payback, the city might riot. WWE wouldn't want that. Never give up

What does poop have in common with the Boston Rioters? They're both revolting! *Baltimore. I clearly don't know my B-Cities.

I hope the Orioles keep up their winning streak, Baltimore has been on fire lately.

Black Widow movie slated for this fall A documentary on the aftermath of Baltimore

What wasn't stolen when CVS was looted during the Baltimore riots? The Father's Day cards.

The movies were right about monkeys ruling the world. They came from Baltimore.

Baltimore CVS Looters They really cleaned the place out. The only things they left behind are sunscreen and Father's Day cards.

Hussain Bolt Newsflash: Today Hussain Bolt, the world's fastest man, was arrested in Baltimore. A police spokesperson said: 'We had probable cause. He is black and he was running.' The spokesperson was unable to confirm that Mr Bolt was still living.

Heard there were some hot deals... at the Baltimore CVS.

The people of Baltimore played GTA yesterday... Tonight they will see the National Guard play Call of Duty.

Soo.... baltimore. Probably not the best idea to burn down a cvs pharmacy. The entire city needs a chill pill.

Stores in baltimore have been completely looted. all that's left is sunscreen and father's day cards. sauce: http://imgur.com/gallery/Tae9PI5

Baltimore? More like BaltiLESS! Haha!

Anyone wanna buy some housing in Baltimore with me? I hear there's a fire sale