Fritz Jokes

An illustrious Count, Wictor Oblodowsky, agrees to conduct Beethoven's 9th Symphony in a Baltimore gym. He's hesitant at first. He'd only been to America once before, and it was a favor for a friend. The oboist in his orchestra kindly loaned him the first season of The Wire, but the Count never watched it, as he'd never gotten around to buying a DVD player. After an uneventful flight and some trouble getting the timpani through customs, the weary orchestra checks into their hotel. The performanc…

Bob sees his new neighbor working in his driveway... Wanting to be friendly, he walks over to the driveway where his new neighbor is repairing his car. ""Hey neighbor!"" he says affably. Hearing the voice, a big shaggy dog comes running over and starts sniffing Bob's feet. ""Hey,"" the neighbor grunts. ""I see you've got a dog! I've got a dog too!"" ""What kind?"" the neighbor asks, not looking up from the engine. ""Oh, ole Shep's a Collie mix. He's one of the smartest dogs I know!"" ""That's ni…

Two Cigarette Thoughts If the Russian President is feeling a little bit overwhelmed by life, does that mean he's ""Putin on the Fritz""? If you are renting a Kraken, but your contract runs out, do you need to re-lease the Kraken? Whenever I worry about robots taking over the world, I use a hand dryer. If commitophobes held support group meetings, would they even bother going? If the son of Jango Fett sold work-out regimes, would he be selling the Fett Fit Fast diet?

""What do I look like?"" A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife. ""Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"" ""What do I look like"", He asks ""The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer."" And goes and watches TV/ The next day his wife greets him again after work. ""Honey, the dishwasher is on the fritz. Can you take a look at it?"" She asks. ""What do I look like? The Maytag repair guy?"" He asks roughly. ""Get me a beer."" And goes to watch TV. The third day the man comes ho…

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television 10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear ""You've got Pay Per View"". 9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work. 8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal. 7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled. 6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try. 5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching telev…

WW1 is in full swing. On the Alps, Italians are decimating Austrian snipers with a trick... The Austrian HQ meets to discuss the matter. Nobody has a clue, until a young officer comes forward with a dossier. "Herr General, I 'zink I found how 'ze Italians are killing all our snipers. 'Zey found out 'zat most common name among our troops is Fritz. 'Zo Italian sniper gets in pozition, yells "FRITZ!" and dumb Fritz pokez his head out and goes "Ja?" and BLAM, Italian sniper shootz him dead!" "Kow…