Cia Jokes

It's 2012, aka the future. Don't ask me to print shit out, sign, scan, fax, etc. You're not the CIA. Dial it down, Patty Printsalot.

6/6/14 Dear Diary - Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet. 6/7/14 Dear Diary - Guantanamo sucks.

If the head of CIA can't even hide his own affair it's pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched? ... CIA: They're*

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the "ice bucket challenge" made it cool

Inside everybody there's a still, small voice seeking to guide them on their journey through life. It was put there by the CIA.

[interview for CIA] Your resume says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*

How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?

This might sound crazy, but I have proof the CIA is putting chips in people's brains. I think they're Pringles.

If the CIA has my house bugged they've heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

If you're head of the CIA and can't hide an extramarital affair it means it can't be done. Case closed, fellas.

[CIA] -We need you to kill the leader of Russia. "I'll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!" -Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

Never let the CIA install your government. Too much spyware.

CIA final test The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."" The first man said, ""You can't be serious. I could…

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ... ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I disc…

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA (FIXED) The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI …

The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President gets tired of the bickering and decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. …

Talking Dog A woman walks into the store and sees a flyer. ""Talking Dog Looking for a New Home. $10"" The woman thinks ""this is interesting, I should go check it out."" So she goes to the address listed and asks to see the dog. The owner brings her to the back yard where a black Lab is sitting in front of a dog house. The woman goes up and says Hi. ""Hello, how are you?"" says the dog in perfect English. ""Wow, you can talk!"" the woman says. ""Yes,"" says the dog. ""I learned how to talk when…

A man sees a sign in front of a house, ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner takes him to the back garden where the dog is tied to a post. ""Can you talk?"" asks the man. ""Yep,"" says the dog.""I discovered this gift when I was young. I decided to help the government, so I got in touch with the CIA. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one would think a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their…

A talking dog... A guy sees a sign in front of a house: ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Sure do."" the dog replies. ""So, what's your story?"" The dog looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from count…

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter.... ... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it: 370HSSV 0773H All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter. One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help…

One Last Humiliation: The CIA Just Bungled An Attempt To Drop A Piano On Fidel Castro's Funeral Procession Luckily, It only cost them a grand.

Joke that was totally told to me by a Navy SEAL and I am not lying or anything After numerous rounds of, ""We don't know if Osama is still alive,"" Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message, 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. Noone could solve …

FBI, CIA and NYPD Are all discussing which is the best organization at catching criminals. To settle the discussion they all agree to go into a near by Forrest to find a released rabbit. The FBI goes in first. After a couple of weeks they are unable to find the rabbit so they burn the forrest down, killing everyone inside. The CIA then goes in next. They question everyone as witnesses, stage a coup and still, after months of tracking are unable to apprehend the rabbit The NYPD goes in and a coup…