Cia Jokes

The LAPD, The FBI and The CIA The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads …

Talking Dog For Sale A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and say…

During the Cold War, the CIA wanted to create the perfect Russian spy. So they train a cohort for years and then they choose the best candidate. They deploy him from a stealth submarine on a remote Russian coast and the spy starts making his way towards Moscow through the frozen tundra. After a few days he comes across a small trapping village and as he was starting to get hungry and wanting to give his skills a test run he decides to go in. The people are extremely welcoming of the stranger. …

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA . . . The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with n…

Three men want to work for the CIA... Three friends decide they want to leave their jobs and go work for the CIA. Somehow they all manage to wrangle an interview, and the first guy is in a room with the chief of the CIA (this is all made possible.. because it's a joke). Chief says, "So, you want to be in the CIA, do you?" And the man responds that it's his calling in life, and a job as an agent is one he would be well suited for. "Well," the Chief says, "We actually have your wife, in the next …

A man and his wife are on their honeymoon... The two are in a splendid hotel, in their beds, snuggling down to make love when the newly made wife complains, "Honey, I feel like we're being watched." Because they're both former CIA, he decides to humor his wife and check around the room. Beneath the bed, behind it, even around the corners of the room. "There's nothing here," he assures her and tries to start up the mood again. But she won't have it, so he goes looking around the room a second t…

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites. MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said "OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit."

CIA assessment center After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office. "Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded address on it. It contains important top secret data for someone in this office building. Get this sensitive information to him." The applicants scurry away with their red labeled envel…

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the fore…

Final test for the CIA The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," s…

Found this in my timeline... I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre. Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to school…

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB. A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition. The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years. The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years. The KGB team goes next. They hold the m…

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing ev…

Three men are at CIA Headquarters for an interview... At first it's the usual question and answers until each of them are called in to a room one at a time. The interviewer, to the first applicant, handed the man a gun,pointed at another door, and said, "We need to make sure that you will follow orders no matter what. In the next room you will find your wife. We want you to kill her." The man looks at the gun and shakes his head and walks out. The interviewer calls in the second man and …

There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally q…

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest. The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins. They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they …

Job opening for CIA Assassin The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said, “You can’t be ser…

An old Arab lived close to New York City... An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man…

CIA Assassin Job Interview I don't remember where I found this joke so you might've heard it before. The CIA was looking for a new assassin and they had it narrowed down to 3 applicants. To decide who to choose they had all 3 do a test of their abilities. The first guy went to the test and they took him to a door and handed him a gun. They said "your final test is to kill your wife. She is behind this door." The first guy doesn't even open the door, he refuses, and leaves. The second guy is gi…

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:- "370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:- "Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

The CIA test (My uncle told me this joke a long time ago so forgive me for messing it up if I do) There were 3 men who were in training for the CIA, he was at the final stage of his training to become an agent. They give the first man a gun and send him into a room. In the room he sees his wife tied to a chair. They tell him to shoot her to prove his loyalty. The man stays in the room for 5 minutes and comes out crying saying he can't do it. The next man is sent in, He goes in for a minute…

The Talking Dog A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana when he sees a sign in front of a broken down house ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador sitting there. “You talk?” he says. “Yep” the dog replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog speak, he says “So, what’s your story?” The Lab looks up and says, “Well. I discovered I could talk when …

Dog for sale . . . This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitt…

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh: I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime. Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agen…

The CIA the FBI and the KGB hold a competition The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes i…