Cia Jokes

Intelligence Services Contest There once was a contest to determine the best Intelligence Service in the world. The rules were simple. Each team takes turns to go into a forest and bring out a lion. The fastest team wins. The MI5 went first and with their superior abilities manage to flush out a lion in about a week. The CIA rose to the challenge and using their world class equipment and tactics flush out the beast in about 3 days. The KGB goes last and nothing happens for a week. Everyone one w…

I think we're looking at the NSA spying thing the wrong way, there are potential positives. Soon if you forget your email password you'll be able to ring the CIA and they'll remind you.

CIA Test gone horribly wrong Three CIA agents, two male and one female, were called in for a briefing. An agent was needed to go on a top secret mission and that agent could have nothing but absolute loyalty to the goal. ""To test that absolute loyalty,"" said the director, ""we have put your spouses in the other room. Take this gun and shoot your spouse."" The first man went into the room and came out almost immediately. ""I can't do it."" The second man went in and there was about 5 minutes of…

What do you get when you cross the CIA with information about it? ****

There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job. The final …

I don't know why people object to CIA torture methods. Who doesn't like to go water boarding?

The CIA was recruiting a new hitman...[Adult] ... and had 3 preferencial candidates, a french guy, a british guy and a portuguese guy. They all had the same final test, which was to kill their wives with a handgun. First one was the french. He immediatly refused, saying he could never kill his beloved wife. Next was the british guy. He paced around inside the room his wife was, but after 10 minutes he handed back the gun, all teary eyed, saying he could not do it. Last one was the portuguese guy…

Found this in my timeline... I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre. Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to sch…

Pawdon me, but would anyone like to hear some dog jokes? I was walking through the park the other day when I came across a man playing chess with his pet dog. ""That's amazing!"" I exclaimed. The dog was not phased, and he appeared to be in deep concentration as he peered down at the chess board. It must have been his move. The owner, an elderly man, glanced up at me. ""Whatchya want, laddie?"" ""Your dog- that's astounding! You're playing chess with your dog!"" ""Eh?"" he replied, ""The hound i…

Attorney General The attorney general decides to hold a contest to see which organization is the best at policing. SO he gets the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD together, and tells them ""I've released a rabbit into the wilderness, find it, and bring it to me."" So the FBI goes in, and two hours later, they come out, and the Agent In Charge says ""We found the rabbit, but he had committed no crimes, so we let him go."" AG says ""Bull, you didn't find the rabbit."" So the CIA goes in, and 4 hours lat…

The secret services of the USA, Israel and Russia argue about which is most effective. An impartial Swiss judge releases a rabbit into thick woods and instructs them to find it. The CIA and NSA conduct months of testing, hacking and spying before concluding that rabbits don't exist. The Mossad torches the forest and proudly proclaims that the rabbit has been taken care of. The FSB goes into the adjacent woods. An hour later, it comes out dragging a bloodied bear, who howls ""Okay, I'm a rabbit, …

Two men and a woman are applying to work for the CIA. All three have reached the final stage, so the interviewing official takes the first man to a room where his wife is sitting. ""In order for you to be in the CIA, we have to know that you will do anything we tell you to do,"" the official says. He hands him a gun and then says ""Shoot your wife."" He then steps out of the room and closes the door. After five minutes, the door opens, and the man walks out, trembling. ""I couldn't do it,"" he t…

A blond, redhead, and brunette are taking a CIA entrance exam For the final test, the special agent gives them each a pistol and tells them they need to kill their respective husbands who are currently tied up in the interrogation room. Unbeknownst to the three, each pistol is unloaded. The brunette goes in first and comes out. ""I couldn't do it..."", she says and walks out. The redhead goes in and comes out. ""I just don't have it in me"" She says, and leaves. The blond walks into the room wit…

The CIA, MI5, and the KGB have a contest to see who can find a white rabbit in the forest The CIA comes in first place, finding the rabbit in fourteen hours. They used contacts, thermal vision, and satellites. MI5 comes in second place, finding the rabbit in 24 hours using much of the same tactics The KGB comes in last place. In one hour, they produced a bear, near beaten to death, who said ""OK, OK, I admit it, I am a rabbit.""

Various law enforcement agencies have a fugitive tracking competition. A forest is divided by high fences into 100-acre sections, a squirrel is released into each one, and the game begins. The CIA fill their section with animal agents all wearing wires. After three months with no leads, they announce that the squirrel never really existed. The FBI works for a month and gets no leads. They burn down the forest, positively ID the squirrel remains, and announce at a press conference that the manhun…

Dog for sale A guy sees a sign in front of a house: ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Sure do."" the dog replies. ""So, what's your story?"" The dog looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country t…

A man and a woman are applying for a job at the CIA... They both get to the end of the interview process when they are told there is only one test left. They are brought into a room where the interviewer says to the man: ""Through this door is your wife, I need you to take this gun, go in there and shoot her."" So the man goes through the door... and about a minute later he comes out saying, ""I couldn't do it i love her to much."" Now it's the Woman's turn. The interviewer says: ""You have the …

(My favorite joke)Who is best at apprehending criminals? The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that rabbits do …

The CIA needed to hire a new member to the staff. Well, the CIA was in need for a recruit, so they held out tryouts. Thousands of applicants showed up, most american. Needing only one person, they held tests, and interviews, and more tests, and more interviews, until they finally narrowed it down to these last three guys. The first two where american, and the third was a newfie. The Senior director of the CIA had one final test. A test that would surely be able to leave them with one man at the …

New Flash Tragedy struck the CIA during Take Your Child To Work Day when the parents of 150 inquisitive children had to follow through on the warning, ""I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.""

If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away

If you can go to the gym without telling people on the Internet, you are instantly hired by the CIA.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. Yep,"" the mutt replies. ""So, what's your story?"" The mutt looks up and says ""Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with s…

Top Ten Changes to Cable Television 10. When you turn on your television, you'll hear ""You've got Pay Per View"". 9. There will be a mysterious 19 hour period where your cable just won't work. 8. Test Patterns: Televisions equivilent to a busy signal. 7. Every once in a while you have to have your cable reinstalled. 6. 100 Free Trial Hours of Cable Access which you can't cancel, no matter how hard you try. 5. CIA: Cable Instant Alerter. Now all your friends will know when you are watching telev…

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) The FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads th…