Cia Jokes

What's the difference between a CIA operative and Hillary Clinton? A CIA operative won't divulge classified information because he'd have to kill you. Hillary Clinton divulges the information... Then has you killed.

An Indian, a Russian and an American walk into a bar! The American is bursting with news he wants to share, but the Indian decides to introduce himself. ""Hi, I am Deepak! While eating samosas with tea one day last year, I hacked into the Chinese defense systems, brought them all down to their knees"". Yes he was a showoff! The American is exploding with his info, but the Russian interrupts, introducing himself. ""Hi, I am Vladimeyerr! While drinking Vodka for breakfast last Sunday, I hacked int…

Arab and his son. An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail f…

An incredible dog A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: ""Talking Dog For Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and…

The CIA and KGB are in a contest to see who are the better spies They are both given a patch of forest and told there is a rabbit there that they must find. The CIA spends millions of dollars on informants among the other woodland animals. They set up fancy equipment and video cameras. They invent a new rabbit detector. After a week of trying they can't find the rabbit and announce that there never was a rabbit. The KGB sends two men into the forest. They emerge 15 minutes later with a bear that…

CIA 'Mistakenly' destroys copy of 6,700-page US torture report A CIA spokesperson commented, ""We meant to destroy the 6,700-page US espionage report""

They say a woman does better research than the FBI... Good thing a man can hide secrets better than the CIA.

How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit. (Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time

The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In the '60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could spy on unsuspecting targets. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab.

The Assassin's Interview Not mine read somewhere thought you guys will like it: The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ""We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!""…

The CIA had an open position for an assassin The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man …

An pakistani in the US fears for his safety Email note from Abdul in Washington to his friend Ahmed in Pittsburgh: I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIS in the centre. I grew a beard and only wear turbans in my freetime. Now, the Washington Police, the FBI, the National Security Agency,…

Out of 200 people applying for a CIA job only 3 get a call back As a final test, each person is told to go into a room, take the gun on the table, and shoot the person they love most who is in the room. It is important to note that the gun is loaded with blanks, but the three people don't know that. The first guy goes in. Fifteen minutes later, he returns, visibly shaken. He stammers, ""I just couldn't bring myself to do it."" The second guy takes a deep breath and enters the room. A half an hou…

Obama, The CIA, and Darpa walk into a bar... The End.

A man goes to the pet store... And walks up to the shopkeep. ""I'd like to buy a dog please,"" the man said. ""Certainly sir, I think I have one you might like,"" replied the shopkeep. The shopkeep then leads the man through to a room separate from the rest of the shop, that's completely empty except for a dog sitting on a dog's bed. ""Hmm, nice looking dog there,"" the man says. ""Thanks mate, I always appreciate a compliment,"" says the dog. The man steps back in amazement. ""A talking dog, th…

What movies teach us. According to Hollywood movies - 1 out of every 5 Americans work for the CIA . According to Chinese movie- 1 out of every 5 Chinese is a Kungfu master. According to Japanese movies- Every 1 out of 5 Japanese is a Ninja. According to Indian movies - Every hero in a movie is a dancer and a singer.

Osama is back Osama is somehow alive and decides to laugh a bit at the rest of the world. So he writes and sends a note to president Obama. On the other side of the world Obama gets called out of his conference. His assistant says in a quiet voice: ""Mr. president, sir, we have bad news... We have received a message from Osama Binladen! He is still alive!"" - ""What does it say?"" - ""370H55V 0773H"" Obama is clueless. So he sends this message to his secret service... They are clueless as well..…

Conspirators are relentless... A man lives his whole life believing that JFK's assassination was an inside job done by the CIA. He goes his whole life believing this. One day he passes on and goes up to meet God. God says ""Welcome to heaven, do you have any questions?"" The man replies, ""Yes, who shot JFK?"" God then replies ""Well don't you know...Lee Harvey Oswald killed him."" The mans eyes light up and he says shaking... ""My god, the conspiracy has reached heaven...""

The CIA wanted to test their 3 best agents so see if they kept their sanity So each agent had a target in a room that they had to kill. Their target is tied up and blind folded and they are given a gun. The first agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 6 months tied up. He leaves the room and doesn't kill his wife. The 2nd agent walks into his room and sees his wife of 8 years tied up. He thinks about it for a minute and leaves the room. The 3rd agent walks into his room and sees his wife…

NFL jokes Insert any team you don't like in blank spot: What's the best way to keep ___ out of your front yard? Put field goal post up! Why does President Obama want to send ____ QB to Syria? The CIA are convinced ____QB is the only American who can overthrow Bashir Assad. What do ____ have in common with postal service? Neither deliver on Sunday. What's the difference between a dollar bill and _____? You can still get four quarters from a dollar bill. What's the difference between a _____ fan a…

Old Arabian Guy in New Work An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: ""Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father."" The following day, the old man receives a respons…

John and Jack apply for jobs at the CIA... They both pass the physical and mental tests with high grades. The instructor comes for their last test and brings John first in a room. He tells John ""Listen, we require one last test of loyalty for the country. Here you have a gun with 6 bullets. In the next room is your wife. You need to kill her without questions."" John thinks for a moment, then says ""Sorry, that's too much to ask."" and fails the test. Jack comes next. The instructor tells him t…

In light of the recently released 9/11 documents. I know the CIA reads a lot of important information, but they should seriously consider to stop using black highlighters on what they deem most valuable.

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:- ""370H SSV 0773H."" Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:- ""Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down.""

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