Cia Jokes

The CIA, FBI, and the KGB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest... The CIA show up after a few days and release a 6000 word article on the fact that rabbits don't exist. The FBI show up with a dead rabbit and say in a press release "The rabbit had it coming." The KGB show up with a bruised and beaten bear. The bear is forced to make a statement "I am a rabbit, my father was a rabbit, and my mother is a rabbit. My whole family are rabbits!" the bear disappears shortly after...

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best.. The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exis…

Old joke from former Eastern Germany: An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, KGB and the Stasi.... The CIA team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later. "As far as we can determine, the remains are about 500,000 years old." Not to be outdone by the CIA, the KGB goes in and comes out about 8 hours later. "The remains are approximately 51…

The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," says the proctor, "you'…

Opening for a CIA job The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the interviews were over there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then y…

The CIA was hiring an assassin. The CIA posted an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, all men. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. One of the CIA agents told the man: "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You must kill her." The man sai…

A Job For a Woman The CIA has three candidates, two men and a woman, for one assassin position. On the final day of testing, the CIA proctor leads the first male candidate to a large steel door and hands him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions, regardless of the circumstances," he explains. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man is horrified, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," say…

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem: "Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father." The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:…

The CIA, GIGN and KGB...... are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it. The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn…

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the f…

What does the CIA do with their greenest recruits? They use them as plants!

CIA loses an agent The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, “All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well.” The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Mur…

Talking Dog For Sale A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and sa…

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB A mummy was found in Egypt, and to learn more about it, the three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition. The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years. The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years. The KGB team goes next. They hold the mum…

A little Government joke I came up with The President invited all of the government agencies to his birthday party. He sent everyone an invite with an RSVP of either “Confirm” or “Deny”. His cabinet told him “Sure, we’ll be there, but we must advise you to make the party fun!” The Secret Service replied “We follow you around anyway, so we might as well.” Congress took a vote and decided, via a two-thirds majority, that they will be attending. The FBI responded “We will have to do some inve…

Avogadro's number walks into the CIA One of the spies takes a look at him and says, "Gentlemen... we have a mole."

There have been numerous accusations that the moon landing was fake. When Neil Armstrong was interviewed about it, it’s claimed he said the following; The government found the trip to the moon was going to be both expensive and difficult. There was significant doubt that it could even be done. So, the CIA decided that because the US needed the propaganda advantage over the Russians they enlisted Hollywood to make a moon landing movie. After weeks of work and millions of dollars sunk into the…

The CIA was recruiting new agents As a test of commitment they brought a man to a door and gave him a gun. He was told his wife was in the next room and his first test was to go in and shoot his wife. The man was shocked and said he would never shoot his wife for anyone.He was sent home. A second man was brought to the same room and told the same thing as the first. He was very sad because he always wanted to be a CIAagwnt but there was no way he could shoot his wife.He too was sent home. The…

There was an opening for an assassin in the CIA After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could neve…

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discover…

Action The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the for…

Today I learned what the CIA is replacing water boarding with. Verizon Wireless customer service.

Avogadro's Number walks into the CIA One of the spies responds, "Gentlemen, we have a mole."

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive... Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message. 370HSSV-0773H Putin was baffled, so he emailed the message to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB either, so a double agent sent it to the CIA, then the NSA. They als…

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered tha…