America Jokes

Jose visits America. Jose came to America from Mexico and wanted to go a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the …

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!" "Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Two Scottish nuns Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the …

A husband and wife are unable to have children, so they decide to adopt... They eventually find a boy from Spain named Juan, and bring him back to America to live with them. Years later, they learn from the adoption agency that Juan has a twin brother, who was raised by an Arab family. His parents were tragically killed, so the boy, named Amal, needs a home to live. So, since they wanted another kid anyways, they decide to adopt him. The husband and wife are looking through the adoption pape…

I was told that tipping your server is normal in America I was told that tipping your server is normal in America But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.

The United Nations world-wide survey The United Nations sent out a survey to all the nations in the different continents of the world. The survey went like this: "We want your honest opinion on how to find a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world" The survey of course, turned out to be a total and abject failure: The People in western Europe didn't know what the word 'shortage' meant. The people in eastern Europe had no idea what the expression 'honest' was supposed to mean.…

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel... ...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should …

Pakistani Kid, American Kid Just read this one somewhere... A Pakisitani boy got admission in an American school. Teacher: What's your name? Boy: Ahmad Teacher: No, now you are in America your name is Johny from today. Boy went home. Mom Asked: how was the day Ahmad? Boy: I am an American now call me Johnny. Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school, all bruised . Teacher: What happened Johnny? Boy: Ma'am, just 4 hours after I became American, I w…

An American spy goes to Soviet Russia. An American spy is in Soviet Russia. He is digging up information on a powerful Russian politician, and is pretending to be a Russian. He finds the politician in a bar, and walks in, dressed in Russian attire. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink, and walks to the politician. "Greetings, comrade", says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy". The spy is ala…

5 people are in a plane that is about to crash. The five people are: -Trump -Morgan Freeman -Larry Page -The Pope -A schoolboy There are only 4 parachutes. Morgan freeman says that he is an entertainer of millions, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. Larry Page says that he founded Google, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. Trump says that he is the smartest man in America, and jumps out of the plane with a parachute. There are only two people left, and one parachute. T…

Three Chinese went to America.. Three Chinese named Chu, Bu, and Fu went to America. Upon reaching there they decided to Americanise their names. So Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.. And Fu decided to return to China.

What America thinks of Donald Trump is what the world thinks of America.

Two Syrian refugees land in America... They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up Towel Head!"

What phrase is a compliment in America, but an argument in the Middle East? No, YOU the bomb.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Obama. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Obama says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you, I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, and Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't u…

What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? America can't milk a cow for 14 years.

Roses are red, violets are blue... Let's dispel once and for all with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Barack Obama is undertaking a systematic effort to change this country, to make America more like the rest of the world. That's why he passed Obamacare and the stimulus and Dodd-Frank and the deal with Iran. It is a systematic effort to change America. When I'm president of the United States, we are going to re-embrace all the…

What is America worth? Nothing, it's a free country.

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives? America.

An Irishman walks into a bar An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here …

A plane was travelling from America to the UK A plane was travelling from America to the UK when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system. "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped working. We can still safely fly on the 3 remaining engines, but our journey will be 1 hour longer as a result. Thank you" A few passengers look at each othe…

Not a joke, but a very funny story I will never forget this story my percussion teacher, who is from the UK, told us in band class back in 2003. In America, everyone knows when we say rubbers, we mean condoms. Well apparently, the British refer to erasers as rubbers, for good reason because erasers are indeed rubbery. But that's not the point. When I was in high school, I had a percussion band teacher who was British. He decided to share this story with us when he went to a store in America …

Crossing the Border A young Mexican man decides he wants to see a bit of America. He swims across the Rio Grande and finds a college football game about to start. He doesn't have any money to get in, so he climbs a flag pole to watch the game. Later that night he swims back across the river and tells his family how friendly the Americans all were, as they all turned to him at the start of the game and asked together, "Jose, can you see?"

A joke told by an old man. I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america. Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get. Me: Sucks you can not do that today! Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings. Happy 4th of July r/jokes!