America Jokes

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy." The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I …

A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks. To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam. Examiner: When did the USA gain independence? Spy: July 4, 1776 \- Good. How many continents are there? \- Easy peasy, seven. \- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in? \- Technically, Turkey is in two continents; Asia and Europe, since some parts of- \*gets cut off\* \-Woah, you know your geography. Let's do some history now. …

As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . . . . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that… - My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail. - CEO's are now playing miniature golf. - Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. - McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. - Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. - Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. - A truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico. - A picture is now only worth 200 words. - The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas …

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane. The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window. "In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away." The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it out the window. "In Russia, we have plenty of furs. We can just throw them away!" The Ukrainian gets up, picks up the Russian, throws him …

I survived the most dangerous place in America... And all I got was this lousy diploma

A Polish man moves to America and marries an American woman. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "TAK, TAK, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms." LAWYER: "No," I m…

In America, dogs are K9. In China, dogs are E10.

What does the H in America stand for? Healthcare

Three boys and a girl three boys pursue a girl at the same time, the girl says: you travel the world and i will choose again. the first boy went to europe, the second boy went to america, the third boy walked around the girl and said: you are my world! the girl was very moved, and with tears she chose the richest among them.

Republicans in Congress have proposed a bill to ban the sale of shredded cheese in supermarkets across the country They want to Make America Grate Again.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media. But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA. At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "You appear to have a bear's head, legs and torso among your posessions, which are …

When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold And when he got to America he found out three things:

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese. It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

Bank of America is now charging a fee to use the bathroom Shits expensive

Seize the means of production Or as we say in America

I think we should ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

What do you call a bee that comes from America? USB

Why is America bad at League of Legends? Because we can’t defend towers

Why did America go afk? Because Washington D.C

3 europeans come to America They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says ""Shove it up your ass

America is going through such bad luck at the moment It's as if the whole country were built on haunted Indian burial grounds...

America is a free country. Free to Play