America Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left ho…

A English man, an Irish man and an American are stranded on an island, until they find a genie. The genie explains to them that usually he'd give them 3 wishes, but because there's three people and they all found him equally, that everyone gets one wish. First, the English man makes his wish. "Well, I've been stranded on this island for 2 years now, so I wish to go back home to my family in England." The genie grants his wish, and the English man disappears with a poof. Now, it's time for t…

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing: Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

Two Immigrants from the old country Come to America. One says to the other, "we are in America now. We have to act like Americans." So as they walk, the come across a hot dog vendor with many customers crowding the cart. One immigrant turns to the other and says, "They eat dogs here?" The other immigrant says, "I guess they do. We should order two, since we are in America now." Well they order their hot dogs, which are handed to them wrapped up, pay, and sit down. One immigrant unwraps his h…

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America. As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones. The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "What are you going to do with all these mobile phones asked the officer? "Oh, they are not for me. My mate Mick, who is in a band, knew I was going over t…

A Communist, A Monarchist and a Trumpist are on a plane On a flight somewhere over the Pacific ocean, the pilot declares that the plane is overloaded, and that three people must sacrifice themselves and jump off, else the plane will crash and everyone on board will die. The communist steps up and says, "For bread and freedom! For wealth and prosperity! For all that is worth dying for!" grabs a parachute, and jumps off the plane. The nationalist steps up and says, "For king and co…

Healthcare in America is just so outrageously expensive. I mean... this diabetes is going to cost me an arm and a leg!

America vs Russia An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: “I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country." The Russian replies nonchalantly: "Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President's office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don't like the way President Biden's running hi…

A Canadian visits America... ... and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger. The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!" The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

An American arrives in Ireland and goes to the nearest pub… … and walks straight up the bar. It’s busy, and he looks around at the customers. Satisfied, he bellows at the top of his lungs, “I’ve just arrived from America, and I’ve heard tell of how much the Irish drink stout. I’ve got $500 for anyone who can drink ten pints of Guinness in ten minutes or less.” He pulls out a wad of cash and smashes it down on the bar. The barkeep chortles. The crowd looks about in silence for a second, then…

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America Sounds like Australia got the better deal

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

Speak English, you moron! An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand. The farmer says, "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm geschissen," ('Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs shit in it'). The guy shouts back, "This is America! I don't understand your gibberish! Speak English, you moron!" The farmer replies, "Use two hands, you'll get more."

when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be? It depends what state it's in

Brothers An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we…

In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America... Captain Vietnam

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a sinking ship. Who survives? America

What's the most unfair thing about American politics? We get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president of America.

What’s the largest city in America? Obesity

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic... Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK." The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters. Doctor: "What seem to be problem?" Lawyer: "I've lost my sense of taste." Doctor: "Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 14 and put three…

Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat an entire bucket of cow shit before they can do anything else. Putin, having always secretly been jealous of America, chooses American Hell. His …

In America, you go to recruitment office In Russia, recruitment office go to you!

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

What’s the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump? Benedict Arnold once fought for America.