America Jokes

A guy finds a genie A guy, as often happens in this kind of joke, stumbles upon a genie who will grant him three wishes. Now, he's set to get a lot of money from his father, so rather than taking the standard first wish for money he thinks about it a little and decides that there is no way he would possibly regret wishing to be more intelligent than anyone else in the world, because then he'd also be in an informed position to make the other wishes. So he does that, and is immediately overcome…

Michael Jackson is the epitome of the American Dream Only in America could a poor, black boy become a rich, white woman

A white guy, a mexican, and a black guy find a genie A white guy, a mexican, and a black guy find a genie in a bottle. The genie asks each of them what they wish for. The mexican says, "My wish is for all my mexicans in America to be back in Mexico, drinking beer on the beach!" Poof, his wish is granted. The black guy says, "my wish is for my fellow Africans living in America to all be transported back to Africa where we can be happy and safe!" Poof, his wish is also granted. The genie turns to…

At the World Women's Conference... At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered. The seco…

An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese man are lost in a desert... The three of them find a bottle in the sand and a genie appears. The genie says to them that he'll grant each of them three wishes. The American says "I wish for alot of money". The genie grants his first wish. "I wish for even more money" The genie grants the wish again. "I want to use my third wish to go home". The genie teleports him back to America. The Japanese man says "I want a beautiful girlfriend". The genie grants hi…

Good news and bad news Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died ha…

Three Men Are Walking On A Beach A white guy, a black guy, and a mexican are all walking along a beach when they stumble across a magic lamp. The men agree that each of them get one wish before rubbing the lamp. The black guy rubs the lamp and out pops a genie and asks the famous three wish line. The black man wishes for all black people to have a wonderful life in Africa as they do in America. The genie snaps his fingers and all the African Americans ship off to Africa. The Mexican guy…

Why doesn't Mexico ever do well in the Olympics? Because every mexican that can run, jump, or swim is already in America.

What's the difference between America and Europe? In America, we call our inbred hillbillies. In Europe, they call them royals.

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were in a car crash, who would survive? America

You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

Three Muslim refugees try to enter the US Three Muslim refugees flee to America only to learn that only Christian refugees are being allowed. The first Muslim steps up to the immigration officer and says ,"I am a Christian and would like refugee status." The officer says,"ok if you are a Christian tell me about all saints day." The first Muslim says, "oh, all saints day very holy day in the Christian calendar. That's when all of the boys give their sweethearts flowers and candy and ask will…

Today is a big day for America Today is a big day for America. Big changes are coming that people aren't ready for. Sure everything may seem so divisive and you may feel like you have no control over the future, but stay hopeful. Make sure to take a step back and have faith that the right people are going to make good decisions for posterity and we can look back later in the months to come and laugh about today. Remember, you never know what's going to happen by 4pm when the nfl trade deadline …

My grandfather came to America from Ireland to find a better life. My grandmother came not long after, tracked him down, and put a stop to that.

A Brother in America An Irishman walks into a pub in Galway. “Bartender,” he says, “pour a whiskey and a pint for me. And pour a whiskey and a pint for my brother in America.” And so it goes, every round, night after night, for years. One evening, he walks into the pub. “The usual, Sean?” the bartender asks? “Not tonight,” the Irishman says glumly. “I’ll just have a whiskey and a pint.” Now the bartender is a sensitive man. He knows what this means. The Irishman’s brother has passed on. “Oh…

A German is on holiday in America While driving he accidentally crashes into the car of an American. The American gets out, walks to the German and yells: „Are you blind or something? Can‘t you see where you‘re going?“ The Germans replies: „Calm down my friend. Let‘s have a quick drink to calm the nerves“ He grabs a bottle of schnapps and hands it to the American. The American takes a sip and hands it back. The German then puts the bottle back in his car. „Aren’t you gonna drink?“ asks the…

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?" Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes." For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I think America will love her too." That wish was gr…

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian were sitting together on a train. Wanting to impress the others, the American pulls out a gun and throws it out the window. “What are you doing!?” The others exclaimed. “Aw, “ says the American, “we’ve got so many guns in America that I didn’t really need that one.” The Russian thinks on this and then pulls a bottle of expensive Russian vodka from his pocket and throws it out the window. “What are you doing!?…

Boomer Sorting Three elderly gentlemen are moving into an assisted living retirement community. A case manager has been going through their paperwork and is welcoming them to their new home. She reads through the first man's file and says "I see you have an IQ of 135. You will be happy to know that we have a fully stocked library, a MENSA alumni club, and a speaker series with the local university." She reads through the second man's file and says "Oh, you have an IQ of 110. I think you will …

What do you call a big pile of America laundry? A Washing-ton

A KGB spy and a CIA agent meet up in a bar for a friendly drink "I have to admit, I'm always so impressed by Soviet propaganda. You really know how to get people worked up," the CIA agent says. "Thank you," the KGB says. "We do our best but truly, it's nothing compared to American propaganda. Your people believe everything your state media tells them." The CIA agent drops his drink in shock and disgust. "Thank you friend, but you must be confused... There's no propaganda in America."

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France.

A young Mexican man, named Jose, just arrived to the US and wanted to watch an American baseball game…. However when he got to the stadium all the seats were sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to watch. At the end of the game he went home and his family asked him how it was. He replied with “America is the nicest place. Before the game started, everyone stood up, looked at me and said Jose, can you see”.

If I become POTUS, I will ban shredded cheese This will Make America Grate Again

Who wants to be a millionaire Did you hear about the Scottish guy who got to the final question on Who Wants to be a Millionaire, in America. The million dollar question was “Where is Santa Fe”? He answered the North Pole!