America Jokes

How in the world did Bill & Hillary Clinton avoid the celebrity nickname HillBilly? WE DROPPED THE BALL AMERICA.

The No. 1 movie this weekend was ""Captain America: The Winter Soldier,"" which has already made $303 million at the worldwide box office. So in other words, Captain America has more money than regular America.

1969: America winning space race with the Russians 2014: America keeping up with the Kardashians.

Congratulations to the new Miss America! Now please answer your phone, I need tech support.

Santa has elves. America has China.

I'm tired of people calling America the dumbest country in the world Quite frankly, I think Europe is!

On a scale of North Korea to America, how free are you tonight?

Only in America ... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

America where we celebrate Memorial Day with mattress sales.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and, together, were the catalyst …

Two scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, ""I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."" ""Odd,"" her companion replies, ""but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."" Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. ""Two dogs, please,"" says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a …

Two guys immigrate to America. On their first day off the boat they are wandering around New York City seeing the sights. As lunch time approaches they decide they are hungry. They then come up to a street vendor selling hot dogs. One says to the other in a shocked tone, ""My God. Do they eat dogs in America?"" ""I don't know!"" says the other, equally appalled. ""Well,"" says the first, ""we're going to be Americans, so we must do as they do."" They approach the vendor bravely. ""Two hot dogs, …

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed? God bless America.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."" The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."" The person says, ""I not American, I Vietnamese…

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement: CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM! WE HAVE PLEDGED: - 2 BATTLE SHIPS, - 600 GROUND TROOPS, - 6 FIGHTER JETS. AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH: - 2 CANOES, - 6 MOUNTI…

In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization ""Kick Drugs Out of America"". If the organization's name were ""Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America"", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Period.

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, ""Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"" The passerby says, ""You are mistaken, I am Mexican."" The man goes on and encounter s another passerby. ""Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!"" The person says, ""I not American, I Vietnamese."" The …

Q: If everyone in America started driving pink cadillacs, what would you have? A: A pink car nation.

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: ""Buy one dog, get one flea."" 3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here. 4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected. 7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in valu…

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which…

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, ""Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, ""Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the…

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goats milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. ""These"", she explained, ""are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."" She then asked, ""What do you do in America with your old goats?"" A spry old gentleman answered, ""They send us on bus tours.""

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "" I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."" ""Odd,"" her companion replies, "" But if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."" Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards it.""Two dogs, please."" Says the mother superior. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns…