America Jokes

""So Jose, how was America?"" ""Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind. I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out. Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole baseball diamond with the players getting ready for the game."" ""You had to watch from a flag pole? I thought you said the Americans were nice."" ""Oh they are amigo! Before…

American, Japanese and Indonesian in China There's an American, Japanese and Indonesian on a crew boat in China. The American lights up a cigarette with his zippo, and then throws the zippp into the sea. The Indonesian says ""why you throw away your zippo? "" the American replies ""in America we have many zippos, I can get another one no problem"". The Indonesian thinks this man is crazy. Then the Japanese checks the time on his casio watch, and after he throws the watch into the sea. ""Why you …

What's the leading cause of violence in America? Volkswagen Beetles.

An old Jewish joke. Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. ""Herr Altmann,"" said his secretary, ""I notice you're reading Der Sturmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"" ""On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Sturmer, I see so much more: t…

Australians An Australian turist came to America and rented a motorcycle. He drives in the speed of 100MPH in a 70MPH speed limit road, when a police officer tells him to pull over. The cup yells at the turist: ""What is wrong with you, did you came here to die?!?!"" ""No,"" answer the turist, ""I came here today""

Short Brit joke. Imagine bonfire night in America. The population would go down before you can even say 'happy bonfire night'

""Marvel comics to introduce a female Muslim superhero"" Fans are looking forward to seeing Captain America, Iron Man and the Post Box in the next Avengers film.

A joke my friends love to hear from me. I hope you enjoy it as well. A white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican are walking down a beach together and stumble across a magical genie lamp. They rub it and genie comes out and tells them that each of them have one wish. So the Mexican guys say I want all the Mexicans in America to be back in Mexico and happy and rich. So POOF all the Mexicans are gone in Mexico happy and rich. The black guy than says I want all the black people to be back in Africa and…

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to restart America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

On a dark and stormy night... ...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world. No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt against America. Michelangelo's David led the charge towards Italy. As the war of human versus statue waged on, a group went into the United Kingdom, led by the Venus de Milo, i…

An Italian Boy Falls In Love With An American Girl A young Italian man immigrates to America. After a while, he writes to his mother in Italy: ""Mama, I have met an American girl. I love her and I want to marry her."" His mother immediately writes back: ""My son, please do not marry an American girl. An American girl cannot cook as good as an Italian girl. An American girl cannot keep house as good as an Italian girl. And every time you fight, she will call you Wop."" Some time goes by and the s…

Apple Salesman A man has just moved from Japan to America and doesn't speak a word of English. He accepts a job as an apple salesman only because his boss is Japanese - American and speaks both English and Japanese. It's his first day on the job and he has his first customer, the customer asks ""How much are these apples?"" Not knowing what to say, he goes to his boss and asks what to say. His boss tells him to say ""Fifty cents! Fifty cents!"" So he returns to the customer and responds ""Fifty …

America How to rescue the economy: Dear President Obama, Patriotic retirement: There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force; pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations: 1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed. 2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed. 3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed. All this and it's still cheaper than the ""bailout"".

Mexico replaced America as the world's fattest country because we sent them all home.

A black guy, a mexican guy, and a white guy... are walking along the beach when one of them kicks a magic lamp and a genie pops out. ""I will grant each of you one wish"", says the genie. The black guy says, "" I wish all my african american brothers were back home in africa and living happily."" ""It is done"", says the genie. The mexican says, ""I wish for all my mexican american brothers to be back in mexico and living happily."" ""It is done"", says the genie. The white guy asks, ""So all th…

Obesity it's a disease People in America say obesity is a disease. The only thing diseases and obese people have in common is they are both really easy to catch.

In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till The bar owner sued the ch…

There's an overloaded Plane With an American, Brit, Australian, and a Mexican. The pilot tells everybody that they have to dump all of the cargo that they possibly can. They keep dumping out more and more until finally there's no more. The pilot says, ""I'm sorry but we're going to have to make some of you jump out."" The Brit says, ""I'll go first, for the Queen!"" and jumps out. Then the Australian says, ""I'll go, for Australia."" and jumps out. Then the American says, ""For America!"" and th…

Directly to Jesus One of the problems catholic priests face is how to keep their young alter boys from misbehaving or not accomplishing the tasks given to them, as they have not yet concerted their faith and devotion. One year at the annual meeting of cardinals a group of priests from all over the world were complaining about this exact problem ""Every time I ask Aeris to clean the pews he sleeps on them instead!"" ""That's nothing, once I found the Alter boys gambling behind the church one Sund…

a young girl had twins a young girl from America had identical twins when she was just 14 years old. she decided to sensible thing was to put them up for adoption because she knew she wouldn't be able to care for them years later after she had married and started a new family her and her husband decided they would look for her lost children. They searched through the records and found that one child was now living in Mexico. he had been named Juan. The other was living in Egypt and had been call…

What's the difference between America and yoghurt? Yoghurt has culture

Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935... ...""Herr Altmann,"" said his secretary, ""I notice you're reading Der Sturmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?"" ""On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Sturmer, I see so much more: that the Jews co…

Russian Condoms! President Boris Yeltsin called Clinton with an emergency: ""Our largest condom factory has exploded!"" the Russian President cried; ""my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"" ""Boris, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help,"" said Yeltsin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"" ""Why certainly! I'll get right on it!"" said Clinton. …

Mad Japanese Businessman So a Japanese businessman comes to America and seeks to have the time of his life. He goes to the bank, gives them some yen, and he gets $1,000. A night on the town was in order and he goes crazy and spends it all. The next day he is excited to do it again, gives the teller the same amount of yen, but only gets $900. In a rage he is furious with this injustice being served. Through the broken silences of madness the teller fits in ""fluctuations"", the Japanese business …

""Angry Notes"" Courtesy of Saurabh on Fropki.com Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that. Sincerely, Logic Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic Dear America , You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada De…