America Jokes

My English vacation So I when to England last summer. I had been walking all day and decided it was time of a beer break. I walk up to the bar where this older gentleman was standing. Me: I'll take a beer Gentleman: this is not a pub sir, this is a tea house. His sarcasm was quite evident. I bit my tounge to stay polite. Me: OK what kind of tea do you serve? Gentleman: well we have Spanish tea which is 80% aroma and 20% substance, a French tea which is 20% aroma and 80% substance. Of course we h…

Big Chief There once was a great Native Village Chief, named Akimbe, living in the peacefulness America had to offer. One day, he fell victim to an awful stomach ache, so he decided to consult the village Medicine Man. ""Big Chief no fart!"" Said the Chief. ""Take this herbal remedy"" said the Medicine Man. ""It will clear you of your problems"". The next day, the Chief returned to the Medicine Man, frustrated saying: ""Big Chief no fart!"" The Medicine Man doubled the dosage and sent the Chief …

Only In America A person who speaks two languages is bilingual. A person who speaks three languages is trilingual. A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual. What is a person who speaks one language? An American. Only in Japan?

Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games? All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.

Is that dress white and gold or black and blue? Either way, it's refressing seeing a debate about color in America that wasn't started by a cop killing someone. @NatBaimel

Only in America can you be born a poor black boy and grow up to be a rich white woman. Take Michael Jackson for example

Geography of a woman Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open. Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars. Between the ages of 30-35, she is like India or Sp…

jok Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.

My collection of dwarf/midget jokes. I'm sorry. Did you know that there was a dwarf shortage in America? In other countries, dwarfism is a growing problem. Dwarves and midgets actually have very little in common. Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy? Yesterday I saw a midget prisoner climbing down the prison wall and he looked at me and sneered. I said, ""Well that's a little condescending."" How do midgets get girls to date them? They're really good at small talk.

So a German Muslim dude named Laden moves to America... So Laden was feeling down and was talking to a guy who happened to know German. They started talking and became friends. Laden tells the newly acquainted friend his name and a freaked American, overhearing the conservation pulls the trigger and kills Laden. If you don't get it, here's the explanation upside down if you want to remain clueless s up uq o ou snb no ns , pu ""up uq "" o ssu sd 'ub u nq ""up ,"" ss up pu 'u s ss s up nb 's o…

Black man wants to go live in Africa A black man is very upset with how blacks are treated in America and decides he wants to go to Africa to live among his ancestors. He goes up the counter at the airport and says ""I want a one-way ticket to Nigeria"" and throws his money on the counter. ""I'm sorry, sir. You appear to be 5 cents short"" said the clerk. ""5 cents? Who cares! Give me the ticket lady!"" shouted the man. ""I'm sorry sir, I need the correct amount or I cannot complete the transact…

An Englishman is walking through a hotel in the USA and says to a man, ""please hold the lift!"" The man replies, ""it's an elevator."" ""No, no, no, it's a lift"" the Englishman retorts. ""Listen, we invented the elevator in America, therefore, it's an elevator, plain and simple."" ""Ah, yes"" says the Englishman, ""but we invented the language.""

Why has ""America"" been abbreviated to USA Because it has to Capitalize everything

Emigrating to America Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York. Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island. As they stroll down the beach, taking in al…

Why aren't there any 'Knock, Knock' jokes about America? 'Cuz freedom rings, baby!

Former President George W. Bush was giving his speech when suddenly... ... an anti-Bush campaign leader ran to the platform and said ""I hate you! I hate America because of you!"". Before security had any time to respond, the guy pulled out a syringe and stabbed Pres. Bush on the arm and said ""Ha! That was my blood inside the syringe! And I have AIDS! Goodbye, Bush!"" After the commotion, Pres. Bush was surprisingly calm. The media asked him ""So, are you ok? You have AIDS now! What are you gon…

Islamic Star Trek? The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General. As they talked, the Iranian said, ""I have just one question about what I have seen in America ."" The General said, ""Well, is there anything I can do to help?"" The Iranian whispered, ""My son watches this show called 'Star Trek' and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russi…

Bungee Jumping Two guys in America are bungee jumping on a bridge, they meet at the top and say, ""hey this is fun, I bet you they never heard about this in Mexico."" A few months go by and the two have set up a bungee jumping business, ready to start testing it out. There is a big crowd at the bottom of the bridge, all are curious. One of them puts on the bungee gear and the other stays at the top to catch him. The guys testing jumps and comes back up with a few bruises, the guy at the top fail…

What do you call?? What do you call a French terror attack in America? Opening day for Batman

On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?

who found America? :D Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did.

YO MAMA SO FAT! Yo mama so fat, that when she went skydiving over Iraq, isis thought America dropped a nuke.

TOA! The Transvestites of America want to wish everyone a happy holiday season, remember to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I wonder how deep North Korean influence runs in america. Anyone could be a sleeper asian

Obama and Biden are sitting in the Oval Office... Obama looks at the Vice President and says ""Look at this economic report! The people of Bangkok are doing astoundingly! What will we call this country in 20 years?"" Biden thinks for a moment, then replies, ""I'm not sure Mr. President. What will we call them?"" Obama stands up, looks into the distance, and says ""We will call them Tai-Two."" The President sits back down and reads another report. ""My god!"" he exclaims, ""The Berlin numbers are…