America Jokes

Since this is Obama's last year... He decides to throw a small private party and invites the candidates running for president this year. He invites Hillary Clinton, Jeff Bush and of course the smart and talented Donald Trump on his private jet party. They are the only people on the jet plane and are flying over the tropical islands. After about couple of hours of cruising, the pilot cries frantically, ""We seem to have a problem, the plane is going to crash due to some malfunction. We have only …

WAy back in the day Canada was originally called CND So America calls CND and asks them to spell it so they know what to write on their maps. The guy from CND replies, ""C eh, N eh, D eh.""

ZERSETZUNG funny because America is not east germany? not even mad. grateful for unexpected opportunity to defend constitution.

The Canadians are going to help America with the war on Isis. They have pledged 2 of their biggest battle ships, 6000 ground troops and 6 fighter jets. However, after the American exchange rate we ended up with 12 Mounties, 1 canoe, and some flying squirrels.

The Problem With Corporate America A Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusi…

In solidarity with peaceful Muslim communities around the world, I believe America should finally elect it's first Muslim president to a third term.

Noddy A Pakistani boy took admission in an American school ... Teacher : Whats your name ? Boy : Nadir Teacher : No, now you are in America, your name is nodee from today. Boy went home and his mother asked: How was the day Nadir? Boy : I am an American now, so call me nodee. Mom and Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school all bruised ... Teacher : What happened nodee ? Boy: Ma'm, just 6 hours after I became American, I was attacked by two Pakistani terrorists.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media. When everyone knows that America is the best country in the world.

3 Chinese brothers; Bu, Chu and Fu go to America They loved the country so much that they decided they were going to immigrate and become American citizens. But because of laws, the needed to change their names to American names. So Bu changed his name to Buck Chu changed his name to Chuck And Fu......well he decided to stay in China

What do America and Russia have in common? They both want to kill turkey this thanksgiving

The Man Who Orders Three Beers An Irishman by the name of Paul McLean moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about…

Barrack Obama, Bernie Sanders, and Santa Claus are standing on a cliff, this cliff is overlooking an urban area in America. Obama and Sanders open their wallets, ready to help the people bellow, while Santa opens his sack. ""I want to make ten people happy"" Obama announces, as he throws $10,000 off of the cliff. Sanders replies: ""I will make one hundred people happy"", and he throws $100,000 off of the cliff. It is now Saint Nick's turn to play. Good old Santa Claus looks around at the people …

Peyton Manning suffered an embarrassing day on the football field on Sunday... ... with the worst performance of his Hall of Fame career. His arm is no longer there. Not since the O.J. Simpson car chase up the San Diego Freeway has America been so disappointed in a slow white Bronco.

Don't you guys think that Team America: World Police predicted the terrorist attack in france?

My ex-wife still misses America Online... ...BUT HER **A.I.M.** IS GETTING BETTER!

Mick at the Sawmill Seamus and Mick found jobs at a sawmill when they arrived in America. One morning after wetting his whistle, Mick slipped and sliced his arm clean off. Seamus quickly placed Mick's arm in a plastic bag and rushed him to the hospital. The next day, Seamus was shocked to see Mick back on the job. ""It healed up nice and quick!"" beamed Mick. A week later, Mick drank too much again and severed his leg. Seamus ran over, bagged the leg, and rushed Mick to the hospital. Unbelievabl…

Pakistani Kid, American Kid Just read this one somewhere... A Pakisitani boy got admission in an American school. Teacher: What's your name? Boy: Ahmad Teacher: No, now you are in America your name is Johny from today. Boy went home. Mom Asked: how was the day Ahmad? Boy: I am an American now call me Johnny. Mom & Dad both got offended and beat him up. Next day he was back to school, all bruised . Teacher: What happened Johnny? Boy: Ma'am, just 4 hours after I became American, I was attacked…

So I Went on Holiday to America a Few Weeks Ago... I passed by a surfer dude, I said ""Hello"" and he said ""Sup brah"" I passed by a Southerner, I said ""Hello"" and she said ""Howdy"" I passed by a cop, I said ""Hello"" and he said *multiple gun shot sounds* **""STOP RESISTING!""**

Ling and Ving move to America Once upon a time, a little Asian family moved into America. It was a father and his two children, his daughter Ling and son Ving. They were quite unadjusted to the American lifestyle, but eventually they settled in. One day, Ving told Ling that he didn't like his name anymore because it was weird and he got bullied for it. He wanted to change it to 'Lee' like Bruce Lee. But his sister told him that he can't do it for it'd be blasphemous to his father and his entire …

What's the difference between America any yogurt? If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

Does Kanye really think America would elect a black man from the south side of Chicago with an odd name? Give me a break...

America needs to build a statue of the man who killed Hitler

One in ten Tom and Anne, a bonafied redneck couple, have been together for many years and have produced 9 children. One fine day they go to the doctors office for information about possibly getting Tom a vasectomy. The doctor comes into the room and asks Tom ""Why wait til now? Why after 9 children do you want a vasectomy?"" Tom takes a deep breath and leans back, ""Well, we saw tha other night on the tv that 1 in every 10 children born in America are Mexican, and, well, we don't want to risk ou…

There are seven ages of man: Sixteen to twenty-five... twice daily. Twenty-five to thirty-five... thrice weekly. Thirty-five to forty-five... try weekly. Forty-five to fifty-five... try weakly. Fifty-five to sixty-five... try oysters. Sixty-five to seventy-five... try anything. Seventy-five and beyond... try to remember. And just like the man, there are seven ages of woman: Sixteen to twenty-five, like Africa: partly virgin, partly explored. Twenty-five to thirty-five, like India: hot and myster…

People say America is free, but Korea is free too! Whenever I was born, my parents gave me a choice: Piano or Violin.