America Jokes

Hawkeye: ""If you step out that door..."" Captain America: ""CLINT, YOU'VE GOT TO STOP MAKING PEOPLE AVENGERS. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE AUTHORITY!"" Hawkeye: ""But Steve, this one has promise-"" Captain America: ""CLINT THAT IS A PIGEON! ""

Segregated Bus Ride Credit for this one goes to Redd Foxx: It is 1950s America. Children are on the school bus heading back home. Black children are required to sit in the back of the bus whereas white children sit in the front. Eventually, one of the black children complains and starts a big argument that sees the whole bus fight over who is better and more intelligent, athletic, etc. Eventually the bus driver has had enough and pulls over. ""ENOUGH!"" he says...""EVERYONE OFF THE BUS."" So the…

A woman goes into a hospital in America, and begins talking to an Australian patient and says... ""Cheer up man, you have not come in here to die"" he replies, ""No I came in yesterday!"" ((If you don't get it read it in an Australian accent)

A mexican, a black guy, and a white guy... There are three guys. One spik, one nigger and one white guy. They walk along the beach, they see this pot, they rub it, genie comes out. Genie says, you know, ""You wish for anything you want."" So, he asks the spik what he wants, and he goes, uh, uh, ""I want, uh, all my people in America to be happy and free and in Mexico."" And so, genie - Poof! And, all of them are in Mexico. And then he asks the nigger- ""What do you want?"" And he goes, um, uh, "…

Signs you're in America a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance. there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front. Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters. Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages. people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they migh…

What's the difference between America and a tub of yogurt? After 200 years the yogurt would have developed some kind of culture.

How you Know if you're in America -- a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance. -- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. -- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front. -- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters. -- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages. -- people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting t…

Did you hear it's 'National Pretzel Day' in America today? Just making sure everyone knows it's knot bread... (thankyou Simpsons)

Hulk and Captain America watch a movie Once Hulk and Captain America decided they will watch a newly released zombie movie. They watched the movie together. Captain America did not like the movie so after coming out of theater Captain says ""Zombies Suck"" Hulk Replies. No. Vampires Suck. Zombies Bite. HULK SMASH.

Actual quote from a kid visiting from China Q: Do you like it hear in America? K: Yes. Q: Why? K: Because the sky here is blue.

A young woman in Liverpool... A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, ""Look, you have so much to live for - I'm off to America in the morning and if you like I can stow you away on my ship and will take good care of you and bring you food eve…

Why has there never been a military dictatorship in America? Because they don't have an American embassy over there.

So a man lives in the outback. This man had a dream of moving to America to make more money, but because he lives in the wilderness so his parents never thought it was important so they told him when he was born.By this time they died, so he never knew. So, because he's an honest man, he collects his life savings of $200 dollars and goes into the nearest city to find out. While he's doing this, a person drives up to a him and says ""Hey friend, whats the problem?"" The man replies, ""I'm trying …

In America, people rob banks ... In Soviet Russia, Banks rob you ! :)

What has America come to? We're letting a *black* president run the *WHITE* House!

A golf joke. The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. ""Your holiness,"" said one of the Cardinals, ""Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."" The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life. ""Not to worry,"" said the Cardinal, ""we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... W…

An Asian who couldn't speak English came to America... Upon arrival, he met a vocalist. The vocalist quickly found that the Asian man could not speak English. He could only ask 'How can I speak English?' The vocalist recited 'me me me me me me me'. The Asian man said it aloud, and continued on his way. The next person he talked to was a chef. From the chef he learned 'forks and knives, forks and knives, forks and knives'. Later that day he came upon a priest who exclaimed 'hallelujah! hallelujah…

Help me create this new joke. So I had an idea for a funny, slightly racist joke but I'm having a hard time putting it all together. The joke revolves around the fact that ""Dah-Rah Beer"" sounds like ""Dollar Bill"" in a comically racist stereotypical Asian accent. So I was thinking of something along the lines of a long setup involving a story about the rise and fall of the Dah-Rah brewing company in an Asian/Oriental country and the punch line involving an Asian person trying to order a Dah-R…

What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia? You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)

Got an email from an airline inviting me to""Discover America"". I've replied with a link to the Wikipedia page about Christopher Columbus.

Why doesn't Mexico have any good athletes? Because anybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in America

A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery ""What poor people there are in America,"" a man tells his comrade, ""Their cars don't have hoods, their phones don't have buttons, and their wine is old!""

If countries were in Highschool Imagine countries are people in high school. you have America. they are the guy that just good at anything and has the ego to show it, good at sports, intelligent, good looking and witty but they cant help but shove it down your throat. then you got his sidekicks like Australia who is just in the back egging America on like ""yeah get him, get him, UPPERCUT TO THE JAW!!!"". Britain is the person who has past differences with people, might've been a few wars here a…

A black man, a mexican, and a white man find a magic lamp Naturally, a genie comes out. The genie gives each of them one wish, starting with the black man. He tells the genie ""Genie, my people all miss Africa and would like to go back and see it one time. I wish all my people in America were back in Africa."" And then the genie sent all the blacks to Africa. The Mexican says ""Genie, I feel the same. My people miss their families and the cooking from Mexico, so I wish all of my people in Americ…

Why doesn't Mexico live up to it's full potential in the Olympics? Because all the Mexicans that can run, jump, and swim are in America.