America Jokes

The Iranian Ambassador The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help." The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish,…

When Obama made his inaugural speech, they put him behind bulletproof glass. And that's proof of the racism that still exists in America today. I mean, just because he's black, doesn't mean he was going to go and shoot everybody.

USSR jokes about America My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union: So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English. Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks. When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?" The owner of the ho…

In the 18th century, a hopeful Asian laborer landed in America and went straight to the employment office. He didn't speak a word of English, and the men at the employment office couldn't figure out where he was from. They took a vote to see if he was Chinese or Japanese. It was a Thai.

A Scotsman is visiting America ...and decides to go hunting. While in the woods a huge beast runs by and the Scotsman shoots, but misses. 'What was that!' yelled the Scot. 'It was a moose' replied his guide, to which the Scotsman replied: If that was a moose, I don't want to see what your rats look like! [Credit](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2e9hgg/american_tourists_visit_russia/cjxf7p4) goes to /u/The_Dacca

A long time ago, a father, visiting America from Europe for... ...the very first time, went up and down the aisles with his son-in-law at the local store. He constantly asked questions about products he saw: "Vas diss? Powdered orange juice?" "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh 'orange juice.'" A few minutes later, in a different aisle: "Und vas dis? Powdered milk?" "Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!" A few minutes later, in a different …

In America, you're the bomb is a complement. In Iraq, you're the bomb is the argument.

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy... Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846. JFK was elected into Congress in 1946. Lincoln was elected President in 1860. JFK was elected President in 1960. Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln. A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe. --- Credit goes to the …

What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for a couple of centuries, it'll grow a culture.

Four CEOs meet up at a bar Its the CEO of Budweiser, CEO of Heineken, CEO of Carlsberg and CEO of Guinness. The CEO from Budweiser orders a Bud and says "the best selling beer in america" and enjoys a sip. The CEO of Heineken orders him a Heineken, says "the best selling beer in Europe" and takes a sip. The CEO of Carlsberg takes a bottle of Carlsberg, takes a sip and say "probably the best beer in the world". The CEO of Guinness askes the bartender if he can have pepsi, all the other CEO's spi…

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution. Happy new year! Edit: Apparently I've offended some overweight people. If you feel offended, why are you even on /r/jokes? Chill out and eat less.

So Jesus in on vacation hitch hiking in America... A trucker sees a man and decides to give him a lift. "Do you need a ride?" The trucker asks. "Yea if you'll give me one." So Jesus gets in the car and about 30 miles down the road the trucker asks "Hey buddy are you thirsty I have a cooler full of beer." "I could drink." Jesus replied. They both grab a cold one and head down the road. Not making much small talk throughout the trucker says "Hey buddy are you hungry? My wife makes killer tuna …

My dad got me with this one earlier. "So, you know how ships from America are USS whatever, right? Well, that stands for United States Ship. In England, they use HMS. And that means Her Majesty's Ship. In Italy, though, they use AMB. Know what that means?" "What?" "ATTSA MY BOAT!"

Women are alot like continents. At various times in her life, a woman is like the continents of the world. From 13 to 18, she's like Africa- virgin territory. From 18 to 30, she's like Asia- hot and exotic. From 30 to 45, she's like America- fully explored and free with her resources. From 45 to 55, she's like Europe- exhausted, but not without places of interest. From 55 onwards, she's like Australia- everybody knows it's down there, but nobody cares.

A Chinese man comes to America... He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650. A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only gets $625 back. Perplexed he asks the teller in a heavy chinese accent. "Hey, how come last time I get $650 dollar, this time only $625 dollar" The teller shrugs and says…

I was waiting at a stop light yesterday... Up next to me pulled a small car. It was full of Muslim terrorist types shouting in a foreign language. The car had a half burnt American flag hanging on the side with "Remember 911" spray painted on the side. One of the men stuck his head out the window and shouted "Death to America!!!" They sped off right after before the light changed to green. Out of nowhere an 18 wheeler slammed into the side of the car, crushing it and killing them all instantly…

There's 3 chinese brothers... Bu, Chu, and Fu and they want to illgally sneak into America. So they decide to change their names to sound more American. Bu, changes his to Buck. Chu, changes his to Chuck. And Fu, got sent back to China.

3 Presidents are in a Plane So three presidents are in a plane, an American one, a French one, and a Mexican one. As they were flying, the American president stuck his hand out (one of those windowless planes), and said "hey, were in America!" The French president asks how did he know they were in America, and the American president says, "because when I stuck my hand out, I felt the top of the empire state building." A short while later, the French president sticks his hand out and say "Hey, w…

A Chinese shop owner Tourist: What's your name? Shop Owner: Moshe Dayan Tourist: But you don't look Jewish. You look Chinese. Shop Owner: Yes, you're right. Tourist: Then how did you ever get a name like Moshe Dayan? Shop Owner: It's like this. Years ago, when i came to America, I was standing in line at the immigration documentation centre. The man in front of me was a Jewish man from Germany. The lady at the counter looked at him and said, "What is your name?" He said, "Moshe Dayan." The…

A Conference of Blondes One day, all the blondes in America got fed up about being mocked for their lack of intelligence. Therefore, they decided to hold the first annual "Blondes Are Not Dumb" conference to show the world that they were not actually dumb. To that end, they invited the local professor on stage and selected a random blonde to answer whatever questions the professor may ask her. "I'm going to start off with some maths. What is 300 divided by 6?" asked the professor. The blonde…

With how fat America is.... With how fat America is, I'm surprised their currency isn't in pounds.

A Brit visits America A Brit visits America and as part of his tour, he is shown the vast corn fields of Iowa stretching away to the horizon and beyond. "My word," he says, "What on earth do you *do* with it all?" The farmer grins and replies, "We eat what we can and what we can't, we can." The Brit is somewhat puzzled, but after the farmer explains, he laughs uproariously. "Well done, sir, well done!" When he returns to the UK, a friend asks him what Americans are like. "Oh, they have a jo…

So Kim Kardashian's arse is huge and has a lot of oil I wonder if America will invade it? Oh wait, my bad, half of America already has

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Reddit's turning into 1980's America Mass privatization, and everyone is blaming the Chinese.