America Jokes

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said ""Well Bill I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."" Bill pushed up…

Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him ""Bill I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America the whole beautiful country and on each house I saw a banner."" ""What did it say on the banners?"" Clinton asks. Saddam replies ""Allah is god god is Allah."" Clinton says ""You know Saddam I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely and on each house flew an enormous…

Bill Gates suddenly dies... ...and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill p…

A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town. A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America. Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?" The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away." Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!" The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."

Why is North Korea going fail against America? They lack the element of supplies

Boondocks saints joke...classic A white guy, a spik and a black guy (nigger), yea yea, are walking down the beach and they find a lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out. The genie says "I'll give you each 1 wish". The Mexican says "I weesh for all my Mexican hermanos and hermanas to be back in Mehico". POOF all the Mexicans were back in Mexico. The black guy (nigger) yea yea that's what I said, the nigger says "I wish for all my nigger brothers and sisters to be back in Africa". POOF all t…

In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business. Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till The bar owner sued the chur…

One day, on an Irish farm.... One day, on an Irish farm, a horse was watching MTV through the farmer's window. He watched a music video made by "The Beatles" and was amazed. "I could play guitar like that" said the Horse to himself and spent a year learning how to play guitar. Satisfied by what he achieved, he showed his work to the chicken."That's amazing!" said the chicken, "I bet I could put some vocals on that if I practiced!". The chicken then took a year of its life to learn how to sing …

Why aren't there any Muslims on Star Trek? The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what i have seen in America." The General said, "well anything i can do to help" The Iranian whispered, "my son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is American, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty…

Stupidest country in the World I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

A boy does not know English... After moving to America a boy does not know much English or know any at all. So one day he asks his older brother "What do I say when someone speaks English to me?" and his brother replies "Always say yes." The kid goes to his first day of school... "What are you doing?" "Yes." "How are you doing?" "Yes." At the end of the day he walked home and decided to take a shortcut home. He goes down an alley and meets a gangster. "Do you wanna get beat up?" "Yes." The boy …

An American, Mexican, and Arab are in a plane... They fly over America and the American drops a ball out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "This will make someone in my country very happy and I love my country." They fly over Mexico and the the Mexican drops a flower out of the plane. The others ask why and he replies, "I love my country and wish to make it more beautiful." When they fly over Iran, the Arab drops a bomb out of the plane. Seeing the shocked looks on the other's …

Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US... Two Irish nuns are on a boat to the US, when the first nun says, "You know, I've heard they eat dogs in America." "I've heard the same thing," says the second. After some discussion, the two nuns decide that they will try some dog in order to start immersing themselves in American cultural customs. When they get off the boat, they find their way to a hot dog stand on the corner, ask for two dogs, and sit down to eat this new food. The first nun unwr…

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl...... A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so mu…

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings. 'Murica

An observation by Adam Hills "I have a slight theory as to why there’s such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it’s because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to ‘feed the world’. And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, ‘We Are the World’"

An old Jewish joke. Rabbi Altmann and his secretary were sitting in a coffeehouse in Berlin in 1935. "Herr Altmann," said his secretary, "I notice you're reading Der Stürmer! I can't understand why. A Nazi libel sheet! Are you some kind of masochist, or, God forbid, a self-hating Jew?" "On the contrary, Frau Epstein. When I used to read the Jewish papers, all I learned about were pogroms, riots in Palestine, and assimilation in America. But now that I read Der Stürmer, I see so much more: that…

Australians An australian tourist flies to america. He is unpacking his bags in a hotel, rents a motorcycle and start driving. He goes 70MPH in a 40MPH speed limit roas, whan a cup is telling him to pull over. The police officer yells at him: "What is wrong with you, man?!?! Did you came here to die?!" "No," the tourist said, "I came here yesterday"

An Australian takes a vacation in america... He's driving along in his rented car and a cop notices him driving on the wrong side of the road. He pulls him over and says "Do you realize you're driving on the wrong side of the road!?" The Australian says "Oh I'm from Australia." The cop says "Well did you come here to die!?" "No," replies the Australian. "I came here yesterduai!"

Only in America A European Count who had a fascination with the American West, arranged for a trip to a Texas town named Outlaw. Outlaw was small but didn't know it and the town fathers were determined to impress the Count with their worldliness. They arranged to have the local orchestra perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony at the school auditorium after the traditional rodeo and barbecue. The Count arrives and is suitably impressed. At the barbecue he completely pigs out on steak, ribs, fried…

"So José, how was America?" "Oh it was wonderful, amigo, those Americans are so kind. I went to go watch a real American baseball game but the tickets were all sold out. Feeling bummed out I walked around the side of the stadium when I saw a flag pole right next to the field! I climbed right up it and could see the whole baseball diamond with the players getting ready for the game." "You had to watch from a flag pole? I thought you said the Americans were nice." "Oh they are amig…

It's a foine custom. An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, 'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.' The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When w…

GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE... The blondes of America are sick and tired of being made fun of for being air heads. So a group of blondes get together and go to the head of NBC with an idea. Their idea is a game show where the audience is filled with blondes and the host will call blondes up to the stage at random and ask them questions so they can prove how smart they are. The president of NBC agrees. On live TV, the host calls the first blonde up to the stage at random. He says "We are going to …

A schoolteacher quits his job to become a pirate... In 18th century America, a schoolteacher decides that he's sick and tired of teaching spelling and grammar to children all day. So he quits his job, sells his house, and plans to become a pirate. He goes down the harbor to buy a boat and hire a crew. Once his crew is ready, they head out onto the high seas, with the captain/former teacher at the helm. As they sail, they spy a merchant ship on the horizon and start chasing it. As they catch u…