Me: How dilated is she? Nurse: 4 centimeters. Me: This is America. Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

Mick at the Sawmill Seamus and Mick found jobs at a sawmill when they arrived in America. One morning after wetting his whistle, Mick slipped and sliced his arm clean off. Seamus quickly placed Mick's arm in a plastic bag and rushed him to the hospital. The next day, Seamus was shocked to see Mick back on the job. ""It healed up nice and quick!"" beamed Mick. A week later, Mick drank too much again and severed his leg. Seamus ran over, bagged the leg, and rushed Mick to the hospital. Unbelievabl…

One in ten Tom and Anne, a bonafied redneck couple, have been together for many years and have produced 9 children. One fine day they go to the doctors office for information about possibly getting Tom a vasectomy. The doctor comes into the room and asks Tom ""Why wait til now? Why after 9 children do you want a vasectomy?"" Tom takes a deep breath and leans back, ""Well, we saw tha other night on the tv that 1 in every 10 children born in America are Mexican, and, well, we don't want to risk ou…