Visa Jokes

I don't discriminate among size guys. Personally my favorite is 3 inches and goes by the name visa, mc, or amex.

Library charged my Visa $15.60 for my son's lost Dr. Seuss book. Teri got mad oh yes she did, Teri got angry and grounded her kid.

"Visa... it's everywhere you want to be." Visa is in Halle Berry's ass?

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour? No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.

""I already know Russian"" A KGB officer is walking in the park and he sees and old Jewish man reading a book. The KGB says ""What are you reading old man?"" The old man says ""I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."" KGB says ""Why are you trying to learn Hebrew? It takes years to get a visa for Israel. You would die before the paperwork got done."" ""I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses. Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven."…

Cool Morals: 1. Money is not everything. There's also MasterCard & Visa. 2. One should love animals. They are tasty too. 3. Save water. Drink beer. 4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick. 5. Books are holy. So don't touch them. 6. Love your neighbor. But don't get caught. 7. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

Four Chinese brothers.... ...named Chu, Bu, Hu, and Fu decided to go to the United States of America. They had to Americanize their names in order to get a Visa... so Chu became CHUCK, Bu became BUCKS, HU became HUCK, and FU decided to remain in China...

Now that Britain has left the EU, you'll need a Visa to get in and around ...for everything else, there's Mastercard.

I see a border patrol car drive by... So I ask my mexican co-woker if he has his visa. He looks at me cofused for a minute then says ""no no I only have debit card"" (true story)

San Jose A friend of mine a went to the US embassy for a visa. When asked where he was going, he replied,""San Jose"". The immigration officer corrects him that San Jose is pronounced ''San Hose'' J is pronounced as ''H'' in the States.'' So how long is your stay in San Jose?'' ""7 months; from Hanuary to Huly.""

It only takes 3 inches to please a woman And it doesn't matter if it's visa or MasterCard

A man pickpockets a random person and steals her credit card as the man walks off with the card, he says to himself 'hasta la visa'.

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits... A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking. The Catholic priest said, ""You know, it's great to get to know one another's theology across sectarian boundaries like this. But I think it would be even better if we shared some of our human side. Don't any of you have any bad habits? You know, confession is good…

Arnold Schwarzenegger is stopped by border patrol and is asked whether he has any sort of legal documentation that allows him into the country He pulls out a polished looking document and says, ""A stellar visa, baby!""

At the Airport Customs: Where is your passport Me: *hands credit card* Customs: You can't bribe me Me: It's my visa

An Indian Arrived in America... An Indian guy named ""Anantraman Subbaraman"" arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name. He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet. They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as ""Anotherman Superman"", but nobody was replying.

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.... She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter. The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades. She says, ""Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"" He says, ""Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."" She doesn't believe him but dr…

Not an Ostragoth Pun What do you call a Goth who has a great credit score? A Visa-Goth!

Question on my Visa Application ""have you ever been convicted of a crime ?"" followed by ""explain why""... so I put ""no"" and ""good lawyer.

I asked my wife if it was still necessary to get her a card for valentines day even after 5 years of marriage. She said yes and the only card she wanted was VISA.

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000. 9. He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running. 8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex. 7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down. 6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work. 5. Mumbled, ""Oh, puh-leeez"" 95 times during the movie ""The Net"" 4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments. 3. Video dating profile lists ""public-key encryption"" among turn-ons…

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."" Again, she politely declines and tries to g…

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our…

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports I reminded him he needed a visa. ""Oh no I don't I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."" I double checked and sure enough his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said ""Look I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express.""

Top Ten Worst Pickup Lines 10. You remind me so much of Pokemon that I just want to pick-at-choo. 9. I’m new in town. Can I have directions to your house? 8. I misplaced my Teddy Bear. Will you sleep with me? 7. Wow, your legs must be really tired because you have been running through my mind all night! 6. What's that in your eye? Oh, it must be a twinkle from when our eyes met! 5. Did you clean your pants with Windex, because I can totally see myself in them. 4. Those must be space pants…