Toronto Jokes

[Alien monster is levelling Toronto] CANADAMAN: Excuse me, sir, SIR, could you stop please? SIR?

I'm convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.

Earlier I joked that Toronto was the capital of Canada. "Joked" being the operative word. Everyone knows only real countries have capitals.

FINALLY in Toronto. Winter Olympics, here I come!

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Kinda of a shitty joke but...... Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !' Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talk…

Missing South Africa In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: ""I miss South Africa."" So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read: ""I hope this helps.""

Long Flight Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, ""Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."" Thirty minutes later the captain announced, ""One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."" An hour later the captain announced, ""One…

Man walks into a bar with his dog... He sits down at the bar and orders a drink and starts watching the hockey game on tv. Half way through the first period, Toronto scores a goal, the dog gets up and goes nuts, then lays back down. Start of the second period, Toronto scores a second goal. Again, the dog gets up, goes nuts and lays back down. The bartender sees this, gets curious and asks the guy, ""What's the deal with your dog buddy?"" He says every time Toronto scores, the dog goes nuts, alwa…

Why was the Newfie excited when he heard Quebec might leave Canada? It wouldn't take him as long to drive to Toronto

True story...I was getting a hair cut... ...and wanted to start a conversation with the lady cutting my hair. Maybe she likes birds, so I tried, ""This morning when I opened my garage door I heard six different kinds of bird song in the first 30 seconds."" ""Yeah, I guess."" OK, she is not interested in birds. Maybe sports, ""This weekend i am taking the family up to Toronto and we are going to watch the Toronto Bluejays play the Baltimore Orioles."" Silence. Then, ""Wow, you are really into thi…

Canadian zombie apocalypse A man is in Toronto and there's nothing but havoc. People are eating eachother alive, people are running scared and others are transforming infront of their eyes. He notices a man lurching over beside him before puking blood in his face, and he tells him, ""I...want...to eat...your brains!!"" He cries, ""No! Please!"" Surprisingly, the zombie is taken aback and says: ""Oh, no, sorry, so sorry, you know what it's like, eh, gotta eat tasty brains and there ain't many, eh…

What do the Titanic and The Toronto Maple Leafs have in common... The last picture of the Titanic was in Black&White, so was the last picture of the Maple Leafs with the Stanley Cup

Where's the best place in Toronto to check out girls? *Broadview*

I clicked on the ""Random"" link in the navigation bar and it brought me to the Toronto Maple Leafs subreddit Guess I mistakenly clicked on the ""Funny"" link in the navigation bar instead.

Why is Riot Fest going to be in Toronto? They play music, not hockey.

The Greatest French Hockey Player A hockey-loving guy from Ontario moves to Quebec. He turns on the radio to listen to the Toronto Maple Leafs vs Montreal Canadiens hockey game. He realizes that the game is being broadcast in French, but he decides to listen anyways. Maybe He'll be able to make out what's happening and at least get the score. He's listening for the score and keeps hearing the name ""La Rondelle"". ""Man, this La Rondelle guy is everywhere!"" The Man thinks to himself. The next d…

How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nobody knows. They always say they'll do it next year.

Ah Toronto, the only city where the leaves fall in autumn... ...and the Leafs fall in the spring

A four hour flight... An airplane took of from Gander, Newfoundland heading for Toronto, a four hour flight. After about twenty minutes in the air there was an announcement on the P.A. system: ""Ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain. We have just lost power on our number one engine, but there is no reason to be alarmed. This is a modern three engine transport jet and we can fly safely with two engines. However, due to the loss of power, our 9:00 o'clock arrival time has been set back to 10:3…

I can't believe the Toronto maple leafs even have a website They can't even put THREE W's together!

Why do Newfies want Quebec to separate? So it's a shorter drive to Toronto!

The Execution A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this hap…

An Chinese girl is working in Toronto... and she decides it's time to get a boyfriend. She starts heading out to bars in the evenings, but every bar she walks into, the men turn, look at her, and look back to their drinks. This goes on for a few weeks and she starts to get discouraged. Next thing she knows, she gets a transfer to Vancouver, and thinks to herself that this is good because there are a lot of Asian men there and one will surely be interested. After she moves she starts going back t…