Politics Jokes

At the Republican convention they kept telling everyone to stop with the Bush-bashing... Who are they to tell me what I can and can't do in the bedroom!?

Ronald Reagan's doctor comes to him and says,""I'm afraid it's Alzheimer's, Mr. President."" Reagan muses this information over then replies,""Well, I always say 'trust, but verify' so verify it to me doctor."" The doctor goes and has extensive tests done on Reagan's brain and even calls in a second doctor for confirmation. After waiting a few days for the results he visits Reagan again. ""Mr. President, I have conclusive evidence that my prior diagnosis was correct."", the doctor says confident…

While walking down the street one day, a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies... His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. ""Welcome to heaven,"" says St. Peter. ""Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."" ""No problem, just let me in,"" says the man. ""Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hel…

Beer is good. After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, ""Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, ""I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."" The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, ""I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mo…

Appropriate for Election Season A man dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and asks his profession. The man says he was a politician. ""Ah,"" says St. Peter, ""then you may choose whether you would like to go to heaven or hell. You may spend one week in heaven, then one week in hell. At the end of the two weeks, you may decide where you would likes to spend the rest of eternity."" So the man goes first to heaven. Everyone sits around peacefully strumming their harps a…

Parish priest A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. ""I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told…

Drug names In pharmacology, all drugs have two names--a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen. The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City... A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan…

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars... America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, ""Li…

If a parsley farmer falls behind on his taxes, does the government garnish his wages?

Roger the Living Head [Story Joke] So there's this newly married couple, and they love each other quite a bit. So they decide they're going to have a child. Nine months goes by and it's time for the child to be delivered, but when the doctors pull the baby out, it is only a head. It's still crying and healthy, but it has no body besides its head. The doctors are amazed, but the parents are heartbroken. They decide that they are going to name the baby Roger after his father's father, and that the…

A politician is leaving office... ...and shaking the hand of the fresh face. The old bear motions the new comer to come closer - to exchange words. ""You're a public figure now. You must act in a most respectable way, you need to care for your people - not so much that they need you, but enough that they don't forget who you are. And most important - keep these two letters close by.' ""When you get yourself into a situation you can't get out of, open the first letter, and you'll be safe. When yo…

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian. Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them: Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism. Jimmy Carter said ""you know, in our country we have prote…

The Norwegian Fire Department One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, ""All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire depar…

One day bush went jogging... One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river. After cleaning up he said, ""Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."" The first boy said, ""Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"" ""I'll personally …

Chinese economy Amongst all of the global financial crisis, the Chinese government are worried that their recent economic boom may soon be over. The country's leaders have decided to name the recent increase in economy as the ""Ker-ching"" dynasty.

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. ""I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."" This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- …

A condom joke (xpost from todayilearned) ""Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: ""Our largest condom factory has exploded,"" the Russian President cried. ""My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"" ""Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"" replied the President. ""I do need your help"" said Putin. ""Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over…

Workers and Cats Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth man was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called his cat, ""T-square, do your stuff."" T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his …

So Obama calls Romney.... And says, I got good news and bad news. Romney says ""What is it?"" Obama says ""Well the good news is I think it's time for a Mormon president."" ""That's great Barack! What's the bad news?"" Obama chuckles and says ""My baptism is next Sunday""

Never let the CIA install your government. Too much spyware.

During the Bush administration... G. W. was sitting in his office when one of his advisors approached him and said, ""Mr. President, three Brazilian citizens were killed today."" G. W. gives him a pained look and replies, ""Oh my God! How many millions is that?""

John Cleese talks about the terror threat levels of nations The English are concerned about the recent increase in terrorist activities, and have therefore raised their security level from ""miffed"" to ""peeved."" If the threats continue to grow, the security levels may be raised to ""irritated"" or even ""a bit cross."" (The English have not seen ""a bit cross"" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.) Terrorists have been recategorized from ""tiresome"" to ""a bloody nuisan…

A Muslim, A Commie, and an Illegal Alien walk into a bar.. and the bartender says, ""what can I get you Mr. President?""

What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? http://www.madoodle.com/doodle/view/2989/