Politics Jokes

Republicans and elections The republicans wanted to have Jesus run for president. The plan had to be aborted though: he had a hole in his hand.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana, and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ... ""Yep,"" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ""So, what's your story?"" The Lab looks up and says, ""Well, I disc…

Congress If CON is the opposite of PRO, is congress the opposite of progress?

The Arrogance of Authority [Source](https://plus.google.com/u/0/108059114686877527512/posts/h4y17P9yTXq) A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The rancher said, ""Okay , but don't go in that field over there....."", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "" Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"" Reaching into his rear…

My Dad turns 50 this weekend and I'm speaking, need some 50th birthday jokes/one liners/roast (xpost from /askreddit) Some bullet points about my Dad: * Has a BMW trophy car * Loves golf * Loves Steak * Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal) * Balding (but so am I...) * His shoulder and knee have needed surgery * Worked everyday of his life since he was 15 * Raised 3 kids * Has 5 grandkids * Just got into wine and thinks he is a connoisseur * Makes homemade ice-cream that he always pawns…

Old Butch -the Rooster John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency re…

I don't usually watch programs on TV, but today I thought I'd give it a shot. Basically, I've just sat for two hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, perverted morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality. They spend all day without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public. And at the end of this brain numbing experience, I was still no closer to deciding wh…

Case against Congress A guy walks into his agent's office and says, ""Got a great movie idea. Guy hates Congress wants to bring them down."" Agent looks up and says, ""We'll never get the backing!""

President of Columbia has announced that the country is going into severe economic depression... ...since the deaths of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.

Walking Eagle President Bush was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation last weekend in Arizona. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his career as Governor of Texas, how he had signed ""YES"" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the President was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas f…

A DEA agent and a rancher A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, ""I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."" The rancher said, ""Okay , but don't go in that field over there....."", as he pointed out the location. The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ""Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. ""See…

Politics, explained. A little boy goes to his Dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let Me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the Family, so call me The President Your mother is the Administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, We will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the l…

A German taxi driver was on his shift... He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament. A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: ""So, how do you like our country?"" The guy answers: ""Oh, it's great. But it is so different from home in many aspects. Some things, I cannot make sense of."" The taxi driver asks: ""Really? Like what?"" The guy says: ""Well, for instance…

Politician in China asks Man why he is leaving China to move to the US. **Politician In China:** Why are you leaving China to go the US? Are you not satisfied with the work? ***Man In China:*** I am satisfied with the work. **Politician In China:** Are you not satisfied with the pay? ***Man In China:*** I am satisfied with the pay. **Politician In China:** Are you not satisfied with the Politicians in China? ***Man In China:*** I am satisfied with the Politicians in China. **Politician In China:…

A Little Old Lady.... .....walks into Bank of America and asks to open a savings account. The new accounts receptionist first thinks this is strange, probably because everyone is leaving them for credit unions now. At any rate, the accounts person asks her how much she wanted to deposit to open the account, and the little old lady replies, ""Three million dollars."" The accounts person is startled, and says, ""In what form?"" and the little old lady says, ""Cash. I've got it right here in this b…

Explaining economics to children... A young boy asks his father to explain the economy to him. The father thinks for a while before responding, ""Son, think of our household as the economy. I earn the money, so I'm capitalism. ""Your mother deals with the day-to-day running of the house, so we'll call her the government. ""The maid does the menial work required for the house to remain in working condition, so she would be the working-class. ""A lot of this is for your benefit, so we'll call you …

""A leader in the Democratic Party is a boss, in the Republican Party he is a leader."" Harry S. Truman The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: ""I'm the Boss!"" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: - ""Your wife called, she wants her sign back!""

why didnt the butcher win the election someone found out about his pork-barrel spending

Little old lady(long) A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, ""Three million dollars."" The accounts person is startled, and says, ""In what form?"" and the little old lady says, ""Cash. I've got it here in this bag..."" and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green …

Brazilian Soldiers An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President. ""Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents."" The President nodded his head patriotically. ""There were some losses on our end, however."" The aide continued. ""We lost a US hummer with four soldiers in it to an IED outside of Tekri…

Another airplane joke Not sure if this is already here or not: Obama, Michelle Obama, and Oprah are on a plane. Obama says, 'I'm the President, I'm so rich, and have so much money, I can throw 1 million dollars out and make 1 million people happy.' Michelle Obama said, 'Well since I'm your wife, I can throw 2 million out of this plane and make 2 million people happy.' Oprah said, 'I have my own talk show and give stuff everyday, so I can throw 4 million dollars out of this plane and make 4 milli…

I was actually president of the anti-voting club in high school ... I never got re-elected

A New Word For Your Vocabulary Electile Dysfunction : the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2012 election year.

An Indian walks in to a Diner.... An Indian walks in to a diner dragging a bull behind him. He tells the counterman, ""Coffee."" He gives him the coffee, and the Indian pulls out a shotgun, blows the brains out of the bull and walks out. So the manager and the staff spend all day cleaning it up. Sure enough the next day, the Indian turns up again, dragging another bull. The Indian says, ""Coffee."" The manager comes running out and says, ""What the hell is the deal with shooting the bull man? We…

So there was this wasp who lives in a jungle. (long) So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember…