Politics Jokes

""How did the Russians help Donald Trump win the election?"" They made the Democrats deliver on their promises of transparency.

A Democrat wakes up after being in a year-long coma... ...and immediately calls the doctor over to his hospital bed. ""Doctor, I need to know; who won the election? Was it Sanders? Clinton?"" The doctor shakes her head. ""Let me put it this way: there's good news and there's bad news."" ""What's the bad news?"" the Democrat asks. ""Donald Trump is the President-elect, and has appointed a climate change denier as the head of the EPA, a close friend of Vladimir Putin as Secretary of State, and a b…

A priest, a doctor, and a politician... A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.' The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls dead almost instantly. The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop t…

My grandmother voted Republican until the day she died. Ever since then, she's voted Democrat.

Smartest Man in the World An old priest, a boy scout, the President, Bill Gates and the smartest man in the world are traveling in an airplane together. Without warning, the engines fail and the plane starts plummeting towards the earth. There is one problem: the plane is loaded with only 5 parachutes. Someone will have to stay on the plane and die. The pilot walks into the cabin and let's them know the situation. He silently grabs a parachute and jumps out. Bill Gates responds, ""Society still …

A talking dog... A guy sees a sign in front of a house: ""Talking Dog for Sale."" He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. ""You talk?"" he asks. ""Sure do."" the dog replies. ""So, what's your story?"" The dog looks up and says, ""Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from count…

President Trump and the Pope. President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying ""Never mind, boys, I'll get it."" The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the h…

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath. The psychopath says I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.' The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls dead almost instantly. The doctor examines the snake, tries to find the best position to stop the snake being uncomfortable, and holds …

Trump, Pena Nieto and Putin come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. ""I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"" says the Genie. Pena Nieto, the President of Mexico says, ""I was a miner, my dad was a miner, and my son will also mine. I want the land to be forever filled with minerals and oil in Mexico."" With a blink of the Genies eye, ""FOOM,"" the land in Mexico was forever filled to the brink with rare resources. Trump was amazed, but he already made up his mind, "…

HOW SHIT HAPPENS In the beginning was the plan, and with it came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form, and the plan was fiscally unsound, hopelessly flawed, and completely without substance. And darkness was upon the faces of the rank and file Employees. And they became angry, and spoke ill of the plan amongst themselves, saying, ""This is a crock of shit, and it stinks."" And it came to pass that some Employees went unto their Supervisors, saying, ""It is a bucket of feces, an…

Can I get a loan? This one's my absolute favorite because it's so true (I know cause I'm Iranian): An Iranian man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars. ""The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,"" says th…

Here's a joke about North Korea [This post has been removed by the North Korean Government]

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening When the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, ""Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"" Martha replied, ""Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, ""I n…

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes. The first passenger said, ""I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die."" So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, ""I am the newly-elected US president and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don't want me to die."" He took the second pack and …

The Perfect Military Life Insurance Salesman A military life insurance salesman has a perfect record of sales. His supervisor was amazed and wanted to know his secret, so he secretly went to one of the meetings the saleman was hosting. He saw a whiteboard with a long bar and a far shorter bar drawn on it. ""This,"" said the salesman, pointing to the long bar, ""is a $3 million bar. That's how much the government will be paying your family should you die in combat and have insurance. This"", he p…

Trump vs Media Donald Trump saw a car with four people in it skid out of control over a bridge into a river. Mr. Trump jumped into the water and was able to save three of them before the fourth one drowned. I read about it in an article titled ""President-elect Trump, who lost the popular vote, allows innocent teenager to drown right in front of him""

After getting in the White House, D.Trump gets a letter.... ... from the Iranian president. He opens it and to his surprise there is a paper with a weird looking code on it: 370HSSV 0773H All confused, Trump contacts the FBI and forwards the letter to them in hope they can figure out the meaning, but they weren't able to. Trump gets angry and sends the letter to both the CIA and NSA, and they also fail to figure out the meaning of the letter. One of the agents suggest Trump to ask for MI6's help…

President-Elect Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just stayed in place. The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying ""Never mind, boys, I'll get it."" The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked …

Donald Trump is said to have lack of foreign policy experience to be president, but in fairness, he has spent time meeting with foreign leaders around the world. Ms. Sweden, Ms. Argentina...

A fascist, a billionaire and a president walk into a bar... ...and he says ""one beer please"".

What happens if a politician takes a Viagra? He gets taller

Seven Horse Jokes Q Why was the young horse confused? A He wasn't foal-ly aware of what was going on. Q Why wouldn't that horse want to date the other horse? A He didn't want to be a-filly-ated with her Q Why did the horse need cough syrup? A It caught a colt. Q What was the lady-horse's favorite song? A Marey had a Little Lamb Q Why did the seller make the buyer use coins for the horse? A It was a Quarter horse. Q Why did the horse examin his food before he ate it? A It was a Thorough Bread. Q …

Donald Trump is writing a children's book about running for President He's going to title it, ""Marco's Little Adventure""

How much do Americans like racist jokes? Enough to make one President.

Democrats have been really angry over the 2016 election results The last time Democrats were THIS angry is when the Republicans took their slaves away