I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

If I could have back all the money I've spent on drugs and alcohol, I'd celebrate by buying more drugs and alcohol.

Here's a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.