Buddy Jokes

A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a bar... The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says ""Hey buddy, I heard you like pork."" The trichonosis larva looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says ""Indeed, I encyst upon it."" Source: [bash.org](http://bash.org/?771925)

It's all in the delivery A man is on a business trip and decides for a little fun he'll visit a local pub. When he walks in the door a patron shouts out ""27!"", and that gets a chuckle out of the other patrons. Confused the man walks to the bar, while vying for a drink another man shouts ""103!"". The crowd starts laughing again. The guy asks the bartender,""what's with the people shouting numbers?"" ""This is a small town, and everyone here loves telling jokes. But we've all heard them before …

Chinese herbologist A man with an embarrassing condition walks into a bar one day, sad and depressed. He orders a shot, then another, and then another. Finally, the bartenders asks him ""hey, what's wrong buddy?"". The man replies ""I've got this really embarrassing condition, and no doctor has ever been able to figure out how to cure it"". The bartender says ""well, why don't you tell me about it?"". ""Ok"", says the man, ""you see.....whenever I fart, it comes out HONDA!!!"". I've tried everyt…

John Wayne It was a slow day for Mike. He was hunched over the counter doing the crossword in newspaper to pass time as he waited for customers to visit his shop. The door opened and the bell rang, in walks his good friend Johnny. ""Hey there Johnny! How ya doin'? What can I get you, buddy?"" ""Hey Mike, doing good. Just a little short of money this month and we're all out of toilet paper."" ""Gee, that's too bad Johnny. Tell ya what. I've got a delivery of a shipment of unbranded toilet paper. …

Buddy on FB just posted this, I had to share What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair

A theoretical physicist walks into a bar... A theoretic physicists walks into a bar. The bartender says ""Hey Buddy, looks like you've had one shitty day."" The theoretical physicist replies ""Its Feynman"".

An alien crash-lands on Delancey Street... And he steps out of his smoking ship, cursing and kicking the side panels. He decides to step into the first place he sees, which is Russ & Daughters delicatessen. The fellow behind the counter is a bit startled to see an alien in his shop, but he says, ""what can I get for you, sir?"" The alien says, ""My ship crashed! I need a *troover* to get it working again. ""Well, what's a *troover?*"" asks the man behind the counter. The alien sighs and says…

Three southern woman sitting in the hair salon talking about the pet names for their men. First woman says ""I call my man Southern Comfort, cos he's a big man and he keeps me warm all night in bed"" Second woman's says ""I call my man Budweiser cos his name is Buddy and he's the wisest man I ever met"" Third women says ""I call my man Drambuie, cos he is one hell of a fancy licker""

If you drop your cellphone in water put it in a bowl of rice... It will attract an Asian who will fix it for you. (just heard from buddy of mine)

Oldie but goodie. My buddy and I were out hunting one afternoon. He decided he had to take a dump, so he dripped his pants and squatted down. while he was taking care of business a rattlesnake slithered up behind him and bit him on the head of his tally wacker. He jumbed up with both hands wrapped around it and yelled I've been bit call the doctor. I called the dr and explained about the bite and that we were at least 45 mins from our truck and another hour from the hospital. He got quiet and sa…

young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test, the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to…

Learned this when I was eight, still one of my favorites. A blonde a brunette and a redhead are walking along a fence on a beautiful sunny day. They are walking through some tall grass when the redhead finds a baseball sized rock. ""what should I do with this rock?"" the redhead asks the other two. ""Throw it over the fence"" they both reply. So she throws it over the fence. They continue to walk through the tall grass when suddenly a little boy appears. He is sitting on a log and crying his eye…

Buddy of mine just told this to me A lion and a cheetah set off on a foot race too see who was the faster animal.The cheetah ended up winning and the lion complained. ""Hey you a cheetah"". The cheetah says back ""Nah you a lion"".

Jesus and Moses are hanging out by the Red Sea (this takes place present day...). So Jesus asks moses, ""hey Moses...you still got da funk?"" Moses says ""yeah buddy!"", and walks out to the sea, holds up his staff, and majestically makes the Red Sea part in the middle. He puts his staff down, walks back, and asks, ""so how bout you JC? do you still got da funk?"" Jesus replies, ""I don't know man, its been a long time, but let me try"". Jesus walks to the sea and begins to walk on water. He tak…

Not really a joke but a hilarious conversation So I was eating lunch with a couple buddies when one brit proudly shows us the Union Jack on a product he was eating. Chinese friend: that looks like my toilet paper. Serbian buddy: if the Union Jack is toilet paper, then why is the chinese flag red?

A man finds his friend drunk at a bar His drunk friend is staring intensely at his soup. ""Hey buddy, what's up? You ok?"" ""Nah man -slurs his friend drunkenly-, this soup man, it won't let me eat it"" ""What do you mean?"" ""It just won't let me eat it! It's impossible to eat!"" ""I'm sure you can eat it if you try"" ""IT JUST WON'T OK? You try and see for your self"" The guy, amused, obliges, and tries his friend's soup, while the drunk friend stares in disbelief. ""That's amazing! I've tried…

Once upon a time in ancient Rome... ...There lived 3 very important politicians. Brutus was a schemer, and a very ambitious man. No one trusted him, but everyone worked with him. Julius Caesar was unpopular with the politicians of Rome, but the people loved him. Julius was a consul of Rome. Marc Antony was the third politician in question, and he was just the sort of guy that everybody liked. So Julius Caesar was running once again for consul of Rome, and he experienced a sudden drop in the poll…

Marriage or Death [OC] At my second wedding my buddy was giving a speech. He started by telling me he had some bad news - 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's not the worst part though - the other half end in death. So I started thinking, my first one ended in divorce, so the odds are in my favor. I wondered about the math, so I started doing the equation and it turns out I'd rather be single than dead. - I'm writing a set, notes and critiques are more than welcome

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: ""Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."" Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly…

An old man goes to the movies. (x-post from r/funny) An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, ""Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."" The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. ""Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."" Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he…

Bar Gator A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, ""Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."" The guy says, ""No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."" He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After abou…

The 3 Construction Workers (really old joke, but one of my favorites when I was little) (Sorry if this has been posted before, I only subscribed recently and haven't seen this one yet) There are three construction workers: Joe, Bob, and Frank. One day they are sitting on an I-beam high above their construction site. It is lunch hour and the three have their lunchboxes, ready to eat lunch. Joe opens his lunchbox and, with a look of disgust, pulls out a burger. ""UGH,"" he says, ""I am SO sick of …

Cowboy Singer There was this country singing cowboy in a dark saloon one night. He got up to play and announced his first song, ""I wrote this one a long time ago, its called 'Ol' Boil on My Foot is Burnin'"" The audience had a general look of confusion but the cowboy went on to play most beautiful, sad country song many had ever heard. He quickly moved on to the next tune, ""This ballad is about the night my ex left me, its called 'She Can't Handle the Bumps on My Pecker"" Again, the audience g…

A man walks into a bar for a drink... ...up on the top floor of a fancy building. He sits down at the bar and orders a high end beer. As he's drinking, he notices a bum sitting in a dark corner at the end of the bar starring at him. He gives the bum a dirty look and shakes his head before returning to his drink. Suddenly the bum yells to the bartender ""Bartender! Give me a Super-Double-Decker-Extreme!"" Alright says the bartender as he pulls out a foot tall shot glass and fills it full of diffe…

There are these two homeless guys drinking cooking sherry in an alleyway........ when one says to the other. ""Man I'm starving. There's a rotten frozen dead cat in the alley back there. I've gonna go eat it. You want in on this?"" The second guy says ""No way am I going to eat a rotten frozen dead cat. That's nasty."" So his buddy says ""Suit yourself."" And goes to town eating the rotten frozen dead cat. He comes back about a half an hour later and says ""Man, I don't feel so good. I shouldn't…