Buddy Jokes

Don't mention the ears! A job seeker goes for a job interview..the interviewer asks him, ""what's the first thing you notice about me?""..""well,"" says the man,""you don't have any ears.""..the interviewer looks at him madly,slams down his fist and yells, ""get out..send in the next guy!!""..so the 2nd guy walks in..""OK,"" says the interviewer,""what's the first thing you notice about me?""...""well,"" says the 2nd guy,""you don't have any ears.""..the interviewer slams his fist down again and…

Science jokes! A proton walks into a bar. Strolls up to the bartender and says ""I don't care what you serve me, but I want the most expensive drink you offer."" The bartender looks at him quizzically. ""You sure about that, buddy?"" **""I'm positive.""** A cute little neutron walks in right after him. ""I'll have what he's having,"" she says. The bartender pours another glass, slides it over with a wink. **""No charge.""** A mole walks into the same bar, sweating profusely. ""I just worked the …

The Bum & the Gentleman A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street. ""Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"" ""You are not going to spend it on liquor, are you? The well-dressed gentleman replies. ""I don't drink "" says the bum. ""You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?"" The gentleman asks. ""No way, I don't gamble"" answers the bum. ""You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greenfees…

Two friends are talking... and the first guy notices his buddy is looking like he has something bugging him. He asks his friend, ""Man, you look like you got something on your mind. What's up?"" ""I just had a rough night. I went to the bar, got falling-down drunk, and when I got home, I wrecked my car into the tree. What's even worse is when I went inside, I started blowing chunks."" Man number two explains. The first friend says, ""That's terrible about your car. How is that not the worst part…

A little old lady was walking down the street... ...dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, ""Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."" ""Oh, really? Darn it!"" said the little old lady. ""I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. ""Well, now, not so fast,"" said the cop.""Where did you get all that mo…

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, ""Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."" ""Oh, really? Darn it!"" said the little old lady. ""I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. ""Well, now, not so fast,"" said the cop.""Where did you get all that money? Y…

Two rednecks A redneck sees another carrying a bag, he stops him and says. Hey buddy what do you have in that bag? The other replies chickens, why? The first says, if i guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one? The redneck holding the bag of chickens says, if you guess how many chickens are in this bag ill give you both of them!

Christmas gift to a friend... could afford much but the payphone is cheap. Me: ""Hello, is this the Police?"" Police: ""Yes. What do you want?"" Me: ""I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Jones! He is hiding marijuana inside logs of firewood in his woodshed"" Police:""Thank you very much for the call, sir."" The next day, the Police descend upon Billy's house. They search the woodshed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. The…

A guy walks into a bar... He goes up to the bartender and says ""I'll have a bottle of your top shelf scotch"". So the bartender gives him a glass and a bottle, and the man quickly downs the scotch. The Bartender says ""That's a $300 bottle of scotch and you drank it in a minute! I've never seen anyone drink a bottle of scotch so fast"" and the guy says ""Well buddy, if you had what I have, you'd drink top shelf scotch awfully fast too"". So the bartender says ""What do you have?"" The man looks…

A man walks into a bar with a large bag... He walks up to the bartender and says, ""If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, can I have a free drink or two?"" The bartender, having been in the business a while says, ""Buddy, if you show me the most amazing thing I've ever seen, you can drink free all day -- I've seen almost everything come through this bar."" So the man opens his bag and pulls out a miniature sized grand piano, and an eight-inch tall man who starts playing it maste…

Two men are drinking at a bar... ""Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? "" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. ""Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much,"" answered the equally wasted gent. ""Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years! ""

New on NBC.... A buddy cop drama starring a mentally challenged detective and his Native American partner. They're gonna call it Tard and Feathered.

Two men are hiking... Two men are hiking in a forest when suddenly, the other man falls down. ""Oh my God!"", his friend exclaims. He quickly dials 911. He gets connected to an operater. ""This is 911, what is your emergency?"" ""Me and my buddy were hiking and he suddenly fell down! His eyes are glazed and he isn't moving!"" ""Calm down, sir. Everything will be okay. Now, can you make sure he is dead?"" There is a brief silence on the line, then a gunshot is heard in the background. ""Okay, now…

A young soldier is having a cigarette... A young Corporal is sitting in the smoking area having a cigarette, when a brand new Lieutenant walks up him. The Lieutenant asks ""Corporal, do you have change for a $20 bill?"" The Corporal replies ""Yea, sure buddy, one second."" Hearing this, the Officer grows cross. ""Corporal, I am a Commissioned Officer and you will address me appropriately. Stand up straight, get that smoke out of your mouth, and try again. Now, do you have change for a $20 bill?"…

A man has to take a shit.. While driving down an isolated highway with his buddy. They can't find a nearby restroom so he musters up the courage to go do his business outside. But he asks his friend, 'what should I wipe with.' His friend replies, 'Use a dollar? I don't know, man!' So he goes off to do his thing and later comes back with shit-covered hands. 'What did you do!?' His buddy shouted. 'Well it's hard to wipe your ass with 2 quarters, 4 dimes, and 2 nickels!'

My dad's lame holiday joke During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, ""Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"" ""Well, there is Chet, the parrot,"" the assistant replies. Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, ""What's so Christmassy about him?"" ""Well, he can sing Christmas carols,"" says the assis…

Three Beers A soldier, Mikey, has just been re-located to a new small town to serve. He decides he needs a drink and wanders over to the local pub. Mikey has a seat and the bartender strolls over, ""What'll it be, boy?"" Mikey replies, ""3 beers, please."" Bartender pours the 3 beers and brings them over to Mikey. Mikey has a sip out of the first beer, a sip out of the second, and a sip out of the third. Sip out of the first, the second, the third. He continues to drink the 3 beers this way unti…

The pizza eating competition So this guys walks on to a pizza hut which had flyers stuck up everywhere around the place that read, '1 million prize money for those who have 50 pizza's in a row'. The man got excited and went to the busboy and said 'I'm in for the competition'. The busboy then took him to a room where another participant was sitting in a table munching his pizza tiresomely and looked like he was about to throw up. He soon gave up and paid for the pizza's he had before he left. The…

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, ""Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty …

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle, and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles. Meanwhile, granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,""Easy, William, we won't be long. Easy, boy."" Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, ""It's okay William, just a couple mo…

John and Bill decide to play some golf one morning... ...and they're not very good. So bad, that old ladies start passing them before they hit the back nine. At the sixteenth hole, they're both playing from the rough after their first strokes. Waiting at the tee box they see a skinny bearded man. ""Mind if I play ahead?"", the man asks. ""Sure thing, buddy! Lord knows how long we'll be here."", Bill yells back. The man hits the ball over their heads and into the rough. Laughing and amongst thems…

Probably my favorite joke ever. Two guys are walking through the woods when they stumble upon an old abandoned mine shaft so deep that they can't see the bottom. Intrigued, one of them throws a rock into it to see how deep it is. After listening for quite a while, they never hear it hit the bottom. The other one grabs a bigger rock and hefts it down. They still don't hear it hit bottom. Now they are really curious how deep it is. After a minute of searching, one of them finds a huge railroad tie…

Big Pause A bear walks into a tavern and sits at the bar. The bartender says, ""What can I get'cha there, Bruno?"" The bear says, ""I'll have a rum and..."" He's silent for 30 seconds, then adds, ""Coke."" The bartender says ""OK. But what's with the big pause?"" The bear lifts his front feet to his face, looks at them, and says ""I've had them all my life. Ya got a problem with that, buddy?'

What's today's date? 10-4 Good Buddy!

So a man walks into a bar He(we will call him Tom) walks into the bar and immediately sees a man sitting at the bar, Tom walks past him and goes into the pool hall, after about 15 minutes Tom leaves and sits next to the man at the bar. Hey buddy whats up, wanna make a bet? The man(we will call him john) at the bar just looks at him, no expression. Hear me out, im willing to wager $500 dollars.. Johns expression lightened and said ""ok lets hear it"". I bet you i can piss into this glass from 20 …