Buddy Jokes

Horses. An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was mo…

A man walks into a bar and orders two beers... He then explained to the bartender "one of these beers is for me, and the other for my buddy that saved my live during the war who lives across the ocean." The bartender, honored by the veteran, gladly provides the beers and the man drinks them both. Every Tuesday for fifty years this man would come to the same bar and order the two drinks. However, one night the man comes in, looking sad. He tells the bartender "Only one beer tonight please." Th…

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer ... ...were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group o…

Oldie but a Goodie Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one) Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up". Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other. Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!" Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too." Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?" Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant dung on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of …

Marijuana-Filled Firewood At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings... 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the sh…

Fishing secret A guy is out ice fishing and he hasn't had a bite in hours, but the fellow next to him is pulling in fish after fish. Exasperated, the man finally approached the successful fisherman to find his secret. "What's your secret buddy, I mean you've been pulling in fish left and right all day long." "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" the guy says. "What??" "Ooo gahh takee darmns orm" "I’m sorry, I just can't understand you." "Oh...," he says and spits something in his hand. "You've got to kee…

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. [Long joke] A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo! " The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone. " The driver of the Yugo said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in the …

A pirate walks into a bar... ... and sits down to order a drink. The bartender notices something peculiar about the pirate and can't hold in his curiosity. "Hey buddy", the bartender says. "Why is there a wheel sticking out the front of your pants?" "Yarr", the pirate replies. "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts".

A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid. I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would b…

One American Soldier My apologies if this has been told here already (I haven't found it yet). A military buddy of mine told me this when he got back home: One day during the Gulf War, an Iraqi general and his army were patrolling through semi-mountainous terrain. Suddenly, over one of the hills they hear a soldier. "One American soldier can take out 10 Iraqi soldiers!" The Iraqi general smirks, then sends 10 of his soldiers over the hill. A brief firefight ensues, and then everything goes…

Oh, Floyd! Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'' ''Yes, what can I do for you?'' ''I'm calling to report my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hiding marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'' ''Thank you very much for the call, sir.'' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood... only to find no marijuana. They sneer a…

12 Shots A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender places twelve shot glasses on the table and begins to fill them. Halfway through, the man starts grabbing the shots and slamming them back in rapid succession, finishing the last one just after the bartender poured it. "Wow, buddy, I've never seen anybody take so many shots so quickly." the bartender remarked. "Hey, if you had what I had you'd be drinking just as quick." the man replie…

A man is walking down the street... ...on his way home and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a storefront with the window overflowing with flowers and stops in. "I'll have a dozen roses," he says. The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers. We actually do circumcisions". The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers and says, "What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!" At th…

True Friendship A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens. "My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?" "Because he's thinking of getting married."

Three American anthropologists head to an island... inhabited by a group of indigenous cannibals, in order to study the native culture. While filming the natives, the three men are captured by a savage hunting party are returned to the native's village. The Americans are told by the chief that they have one chance to save their lives. Each person must go into the jungle and bring back whatever fruit they can find. If they don't return, a hunting party will find them and skin them alive. The …

An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war... An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like. "So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two mo…

Caught in the blizzard [An old one but a good one] Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will *talk* i…

Jimmy the Bum I was hanging around the bars downtown when I ran into an old acquaintance, Tom. He asks, "You come down here often? I gotta show you this bum I met. He's gotta be the dumbest SOB I've ever met." We walk over to the corner where a man was standing with a cardboard sign. "Hey Jimmy," Tom greets the bum with a smile and holds up $5 and a $1 bill in each hand "which one ya want?". Jimmy instantly points to the $1 bill and Tom hands it over to him. Tom has his laugh and walk off, "I'l…

An old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her... ..One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? Yo…

Two men go hunting in the forest They are walking along with their guns and enjoying the outdoors when one man suddenly collapses. His friend grabs him to see what's wrong, but he won't move. He knows something is wrong and calls 911. 911 Operator: "911 operator, what is your emergency?" Friend: "My buddy just collapsed. He wont move, I think he's dead! What do I do?" 911 Operator: "Well first you need to make sure he is actually dead. You need to-" The operator hears the man leave the…

My buddy has big news... He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm banging twins." "That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?" "Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."

A drunken cowboy... A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. To…

Game Day entrepreneur . . . A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath. Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, rats! Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get al…