Buddy Jokes

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies ""I'm sorry but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says ""Please I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."" And the ow…

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

Two guys were walking along a road in Georgia when they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken cop. One guy was thrown through the windshield and his buddy was knocked down an embankment. The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the second with leaving the scene of an accident.

Hey buddy. How late does the band play? About half a beat behind the drummer.

Two really old guys decided they would go out and try to play a round of golf together. They get on the first tee and the first old guy says to the second ""My eyesight isn't what it used to be. Can you watch my ball for me?"". The second guy says ""Sure! I see fine. Go ahead and hit."" So the first old man steps up to the tee and really hits it. He turns to his buddy and says ""Did you see it?"". ""Sure!"" says his buddy. ""Where did it go?"" the first guy asks. The second old man thinks for a …

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. ""Ohhh it's my girlfriend."" ""What's the problem?"" ""When I asked her if she could learn to love me she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.""

BARTENDER: I think you've had enough sir. DRUNK: I just lost my wife buddy! BARTENDER: Well it must be hard losing a wife.... DRUNK: It was almost impossible!

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. How do you do that? Says the other. It's easy! I turn off the light!

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled ""Pull Nellie pull."" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered ""Pull Buster pull."" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded ""Pull Jennie pull."" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said ""Pull Buddy pull."" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative…

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail hammers it in. Picks up another nail throws it away. Picks up a nail hammers it in. Picks up another throws it away. This goes on for a while and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies ""Those ones were pointed on the wrong end."" The buddy gets exasperated and says ""You idiot those nails are for the other side of the house!""

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. ""Hey buddy that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!"" The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly ""Yes I have a phone."" The driver of the Yugo said ""Cool! Hey you also got a fridge in there too? I've got one in the back seat of my Yugo!"" The driver of the Rolls much annoyed says ""Yes I have a refrigerat…

A driver obviously drunk was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over. ""Didn't you see the arrow buddy?"" he asked. ""An arrow?"" the confused driver said. ""I didn't even see the Indians

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 If we fail to fill your order! When his waitress arrives he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table slaps five $100 bills down on it and says ""You got me this time buddy but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye br…

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name habitat genus species etc. The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to h…

eer booze and fun!' 'Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other ""Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer but the sign on the front door says ""No Pets Allowed"" and I can't leave Fido alone on the street."" The other man replies ""No problem just stand by the door and watch me and you'll be having that beer real soon!"" The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and then walks into …

eer booze and fun!' '""Shhaaayyy buddy what's a 'Breathalyzer'?"" asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool. ""Well I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much"" answered the equally wasted gent. ""Ah hell whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!""

eer booze and fun!' 'John Smith lived in Staten Island New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain. When he got back to the ferry slip the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner took a running leap and landed right on the deck of th…

eer booze and fun!' 'A man had been out in the back woods for weeks cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack after drinking six bottles of beer was heard to say ""Buddy if she went out with me she'd never go out with you ever again."" To which the …

eer booze and fun!' 'A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender concerned because it was so cold went to check on her. When he looked inside the car he saw the man's friend Dave and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car saw his buddy…

eer booze and fun!' 'A small balding man storms into a local bar and demands ""Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad I can't even see straight."" The bartender noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear pours him a double of Southern Comfort. The man swills down the drink and says ""Gimme another one."" The bartender pours the drink but says ""Now before I give you this why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"" So the man begins …

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York. Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway a…

After my wife and her former best buddy another Air Force wife were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases the other spouse and I sought relief. Since we both owned computers we encourage our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation abo…

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him ""Hey-come over hear buddy"". The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks""Were you talking to me""? The horse replies""Sure was man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still ru…

A movie producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. ""How'd the meeting go?"" asks the first guy. ""It went great"" says his buddy. ""Tarentino will write and direct for six million Mel Gibson will star for eight and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."" ""Fabulous"" says the guy by the pool. ""There's just one catch"" his partner warns. ""What's the catch?"" ""We have to put up ten thousand in cash"".

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy ""Sorry sir but you're only allowed one seat."" The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. ""Sir if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to …