Buddy Jokes

Lil' Arty After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn't want the blame placed on his hands for the murder, so he sought a Hitman! A few nights later, Steve met his buddy at the local bar and he started talking about how he was going to hire a contract killer to take …

Two Jews during the depression Two Jewish guys are liking for work during the depression. They come across a atholic church that has a sign saying , ""get saved; convert and receive $25"". One if the guys says, ""my children are starving, I need that money"" and goes in the church. His buddy waits for him and about am hour later he comes out. His buddy immediately ask, ""did you get the money"" to which the new follower of Christ responds, ""is that all you people think about?""

Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery. One says to the other, ""Hey buddy, what are you in for?"" The other says, "" I'm here to get my tonsils taken out"" The first man says ""Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was younger, and I got to eat ice cream for two days strait."" The second man felt at ease with this reassurance. ""Thanks for that, doesn't sound so bad. What about you, what are you in for?"" The first man says, ""I'm here to get circumcised."" The se…

The laborers digging the trench were getting fed up... So one of them climbs out, walks over to the foreman, and asks ""Why do we have to do all the work and you just watch us?"" The foreman walks over to a tree, places his open hand against it and says ""I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can."" The digger winds up, launches the hardest punch he can muster, but the foreman pulls his hand away at the last second. ""That's why!"" the foreman gloats. ""It's because you're stupid and I'm smar…

because of feminists Radical feminists start movement on youtube saying #likeagirl is insult.So we should stop saying it. My buddy watched video and believed them. The moment he saw his girlfriend he told her you look #likeaboy. She is more devastated like never before.

""911, what is your emergency?"" The voice coming through the dispatcher's headset was that of a young man, clearly in a state of panic. ""Ma'am, you gotta help me! I was hunting in the woods with my buddy, and all of a sudden he just turned blue and fell over! I think he's dead! What am I gonna do? You gotta help me!"" ""All right, sircalm down, and everything's going to be all right. The first thing is, I need you to make sure he's actually dead. Can you do that for me, sir?"" ""Yeah, I think …

A man and his wife are playing golf . . . on an old country course. The man shanks a drive on the back nine and his ball ends up next to a barn. He gets the bright idea to open both the barn doors and hit through rather than hitting around. He whacks the ball and it flies into the barn. It then hits a beam and ricochets back out, hitting his wife in the head and killing her instantly. A year or so later he's playing the same course with a couple of buddies. On the same hole, he shanks his drive …

A man phones home from his business trip... His 9yo son answers and says hey. ""Hey buddy, it's dad! Wheres youre mom?"" ""I will check"", replies the son as he walks to his parents' bedroom and sees his mom in bed with uncle Jim. ""She is playing in bed with uncle Jim"" ""What?! Uncle Jim?! Tell them I will be right over!"" the man fumes. ""Mom, dad says he'll be right over"", says the kid. His mom starts panicking and shouting, uncle Jim jumps quickly from the window and falls in the empty poo…

A great Polish joke Guy goes into a bar, and a couple drinks in loudly announces to the bartender, ""OK I'm going to tell you a great Polish joke!"" The bartender leans in and whispers, ""watch it buddy, I happen to be polish, and while I got a sense of humor, about half the people in here are polish. you see that 6'6"" 300 lb bouncer? He's polish too and he don't got a sense of humor!"" ""OK,"" the jokster responds. ""I'll tell it slowly!""

A bear joke Two guys check in at the ranger station before heading to their camp and the ranger says, ""Keep an eye out for bears... they can outrun any human"". The guys get to camp, set up and just as they're getting ready to relax, they look up the hill and see a huge grizzly bear roar and start charging down towards them. One of the guys immediately sits down and starts lacing up his shoes. The other guy, in disbelief, says ""What are you doing?!? The ranger said we can't out run that thing"…

A cop catches a Z4 with European plates doing 134 in upstate New York, so the cop gets out calling for backup and shouts ""Keep your hands on the wheel!"" while approaching the driver's side. He instructs the driver to lower the window. It's a pale bald guy wearing a dark turtleneck and thick plastic eyeglasses. ""Ja? I vas just admiring Ihre Autobahn. There is eine Art von Problem?"" ""Yeah, buddy,"" says the cop. ""This isn't 'ear auto bahn.' You're in New York State, and you have to respect O…

A man is set to go hunting, he's supposed to meet his buddy who is already there... When he gets there he sees that his friends truck door is open and he's laying on the ground right next to the door. As you slowly approaches he notices he's not breathing so in panic stricken state he calls 911... Operater: ""911 hotline, please state your emergency."" Hunter: ""My friend, he's laying on the ground! He's dead!"" Operater: ""Calm down sir, first we have to make sure your friend is dead"" (Few mom…

[Joke Request]: Death of Wife I don't often see joke requests on here, so I'm not sure how kosher this is, but I'm looking for a very specific type of joke and was hoping you guys could help. The basic premise is that a man's wife dies, his buddy empathizes and feels sorry for him, assuming that the man is sad, but the punchline reveals in some way that the man is quite content with the outcome (or something along those lines). I know there are a million of these, with all sorts of different con…

911 Emergency Call ""911, what's your emergency?"" ""I'm out hunting and my buddy just fell in a hole, I don't think he's breathing, I think he's dead."" ""Okay, keep calm. The first thing we need to do is make sure he's dead."" *shot fired* ""Okay, he's dead, what next?""

My friend's new girlfriend A buddy of mine was telling me about his new girlfriend, particularly that she likes to bake Italian bread and plays on a baseball team. I asked, ""Ciabatta?""

Keeping up with the times Pauly was strolling down the street one day and wandered into an antique shop. An unusual urn caught his eye, and he asked, ""Say, buddy, how much is this vase here?"" ""The urn to which you are referring, sir, is $650,000,"" said the antique dealer. ""Nearly a half-million bucks!"" said Pauly. ""Why so high?"" ""Because, sir, this urn is over 3000 years old."" ""You're pulling my leg!"" said Pauly. ""We've only just started 2014!""

My wife cheated on me after I told her about my watchmaker buddy... I guess I should get a big clock, too.

Buddy laid this one on me a while back. His acting made me believe it all the way till the punchline. Was at a party when a friend starts telling this story. You'll have to change some things around to make it work for you but it goes like this. So did you hear I got a ticket last week? I was driving down this farm road cause I thought it would be a short cut getting to my girlfriends house. Anyway it was late and the road didn't have any street lights, I didn't see this pig that was in the road…

True Friendship A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens. ""My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"" ""Because he's thinking of getting married.""

so then the horse says ""Buddy, if you think my FACE is long...""

This blind guy walks into a fish store... This blind guy walks into a fish store He turns to his buddy, ""wow so many chicks""

Anything but Guinness... A guy goes into a liquor store and the guy behind the counter asks if he needs any help. He says ""I'll take a case of beer please. Anything but Guinness!"" Clerk: ""Sure buddy, but what's wrong with Guinness? It's one of our top sellers!"" Guy: ""I don't have anything bad to say about the taste or anything like that, it's just that the last time I drank a case of Guinness to myself, I blew chunks!"" Clerk: ""I don't think Guinness is your issue... If you drink a case of…

The U.S. military is like a drunk frat boy. If you really believe it's pulling out before something bad happens, joke's on you, buddy.

A polar bear walks into a bar ...bartender says ""Hey buddy, what'll ya have?"" The polar bear says ""Well, I'll just have a... hmm... uh... I'll have a beer."" The bartender says ""Sure thing, but why the large pause?""

A guy walks into a bar and bets the bartender he can fart the National Anthem... the bartender says ""You're on buddy! There's no way you can fart the entire National Anthem!"" So the guy pulls down his pants and starts crapping all over the bar. The bartender shouts ""What the hell are you doing?!"" and the guy says ""What? Even Pavarotti had to clear his throat.""