Buddy Jokes

So a bear and a rabbit find a magic lamp in the woods. The genie belonging to afforementioned lamp decides to grant each of the woodland creatures 3 wishes a piece. The Bear goes first and says: ""I wish all the other bears besides me in the world were female."" And the Genie does as he ask. The Bunny procceeds by asking for a brand new motorcycle, which appears promptly. However, the bear turns to scold his counterpart. ""I don't think you're thinking big enough with these wishes. You don't com…

The other day my buddy asked me if I wanted a warm Budweiser I replied, "" No its fine, I brought my own piss, ill just drink that. ""

My buddy purchased a book called ""Double Your Dating"" So I asked him if he could multiply 0 X 2.

Be careful what you wish for Two men are speeding through Saskatchewan when an RCMP officer pulls them over. The officer walks up to the drivers window and taps on it with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and SMACK! The officer clubs him on the head! ""This is Saskatchewan, boy! when you get pulled over here you have your license and registration ready for me, don't waste my time!"" The driver complies. A few minutes later the officer walks up and hands the driver his paperwork, …

The Indian food market My buddy asked me if I wanted to get lunch with him at the new Indian food market and I said namaste (nah... ima stay)

My buddy said that he was planning on making homemade bread. I told him to let me know if he kneeds anything.

Stupid Duck Three buddies die in a car accident and go to heaven. As they reach the pearly gates God says he only has one rule: ""you can't step on a duck"". The three guys look at each other and wonder how hard that could be. They all agreed and the gates opened. The buddies look out and see the whole place is just swarming with ducks. They took some steps in making sure they don't step on any ducks. A few days pass when BAM the first guy steps on a duck. God soon appears with the most ugliest …

[punchline request] Some lungs, a liver and 3 surgeons are flying in an airplane [insert your own punchline here] I was talking to a pilot buddy, and I asked him who his passengers were today. He said: ""Some lungs, a liver & three surgeons."" I thought that sounded like the start of a good joke but couldn't think of a clever way of finishing it. Any suggestions?

A traditional Fijian joke A villager loses an arm from a snake bite. He can't provide for his family so they leave him. He comes to the conclusion that he's utterly useless and decides to jump off a bridge. On his way there he spots an armless man who has just the biggest grin and a jovial jump in his step. He stops the armless man and asks: ""You must tell me how you can be this happy without any arms"" ""Oh ok yeah sure buddy anything!"" He says as he turns around. ""But first could you scratc…

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, ""Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"" The man said to the blind man, ""Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"" The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, ""Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.""

hope it's funny to you. my first ever reddit joke Shrink: i'll let you go but you need to tell me something normal first. Patient: first thing i want to do is to buy a slingshot and shoot the moon so it falls off. Shrink: oh boy. you can't go yet buddy. a month later... Shrink: i'll let you go but again you need to prove to me that you are not crazy anymore. Patient: beleive me doc. i'm fine! i'm not crazy anymore! Shrink: prove it. tell me something you wanna do when you get home. Patient: ok. …

A man, wandering through the desert, comes across a small town. [Long] Being thirsty and exhausted, he looks for the nearest inn. Soon enough, he finds one and stumbles in. ""Water,"" he mumbles to the bartender, holding up two fingers and glancing at the sign that reads 'Free Water'. As soon as the waters arrive, he gulps both of them down. ""You must be thirsty, eh?"" grins the bartender. The man, feeling rejuvenated, nods. ""Grab me a beer, would you?"" he asks. The bartender slides one over …

Whenever a buddy says ""Holy Shit, she's shaped like an hour glass"" I always think to myself, 'I want to see where the sand comes out' Inspired by my recent strip club visit with a Jesse Jane and Alexis Texas guest appearance.

So I'm banging this guy from behind... ... and he turns around to kiss me, and I say ""Whoa, buddy. I'm not gay!""

A penguin's car breaks down. He takes it to a garage and the mechanic says, ""Look, I have two jobs ahead of you, so it's gonna be a while. Why don't you take the bus to the city aquarium and kill some time, and by the time you come back, I'll have figured out what's wrong with your car."" The penguin agrees and goes to the aquarium. He spends about an hour there and, being a penguin, looking at all the exotic fish makes him hungry. As he passes the sea lion exhibit, he asks, ""Hey, where's the …

A guy is sitting in a bar... And in walks a friend he hasn't seen in a few weeks. Being curious as to where his buddy has been, he asks what's been going on. His friend replies ""after that last bender we had I figured it was time to lay off the sauce for a while"". The first guy asks ""what was so bad that you felt the need to cut back?"" Well, says the second guy, after we got hammered I went home and blew chunks."" That's nothing to be ashamed of says the first guy, we've all done it. The sec…

There are two muffins in an oven. They are baking along happily as muffins are one to do. One muffin turns to the other, wiping some sweat off its brow and says ""hey buddy, is it hot in here or is it just me?"" The second muffin replies ""OH MY GOD! A TALKING MUFFIN!""

Marriage demo A man brings his best buddy home for dinner ... unannounced at 7:30 pm after work. His wife begins screaming at him & his friend just sits & listens in. Wife: My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas & I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! What the hell did you bring him home for ? Husband: Because he's thinking of getting married & I promised him a demo!!!

Enthusiasm A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!' The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. Yeah ba…

EBOLA JOKE?! Its okay to joke about ebola but if you're over joking it, it will definitely offend someone. And before joking it, think about people that their family member have gotten ebola. It doesn't feel good buddy.

Truck full of penguins A truck driver is delivering a bunch of penguins to the zoo when all of a sudden the truck breaks down. Now the truck driver is on a time schedule and he has to get these penguins to the zoo within 2 hours. The truck will take longer than that to repair so he flags down an RV camper and asks if they could help him out and take the penguins to the zoo for him and he offers $100 dollars to them for helping him out. ""No problem"", says the driver of the RV camper. We got ple…

Two scientist try to feed up a pig... They decide to feed up a pig to see how big it can get without it taking a dump. So they make up a feeding-plan, consisting of 3 weeks of permanent feeding of the pig, while putting a cork in his ass. After one week, the pig has doubled its size. The scientists, amazed with the results, decide to continue with the experiment. After two weeks of feeding, the pig has grown to be the size of VW Beetle. The scientist decide to continue with the experiment, but d…

SMILE | The After-Effects of Marriage A lion was getting married and all animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood a distance and wished then lion. A mouse came and climbed to the stage and extended his hand to wish the lion. The lion roared in rage and said, ""How dare you come up the stage? Even the tiger is maintaining distance and you climbed the stage."" The mouse replied and after listening to that the lion fainted. . The mouse said, ""Oh shut up buddy, even I was lion before marria…

My farmer buddy is so lazy. Even when we go to the bar, he only picks the low hanging fruit.

Monkey Nuts A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. While waiting he looks around and notices the guy several spots down has a monkey. The guy starts to watch the monkey and notices that the monkey keeps rummaging through the bar nuts, but what he does next can't be explained. He watches the monkey take a specific nut, study it, then stick it up his butt before eating it. This doesn't happen once, twice or even three times. The monkey does every single time. The guy finally has to ask the guy …