Buddy Jokes

From a 3yo buddy of mine (x-post from r/AntiJokes) Knock knock. Who's there? Banana with no skin.

Amen walks in to a bar... Amen walks up to the bartender and says, ""my name is Amen. Can you believe it? If you like my name then comment about it to all your patrons and a millionaire will buy then a drink."" Bartender says, ""Buddy this is a pet store.""

A Tiger Wedding A tiger was getting married and all animals attended the wedding. Every animal stood at distance and wished the tiger A cat came and climbed to the stage and danced nicely then extended his hand to wish the tiger The tiger roared in rage and said how dare you come on the stage? Even the panther is maintaining its distance and you climbed the stage. The cat replied and after listening to that the tiger fainted. What would have the cat said ??? Any guess??? The cat said ""Oh shut …

A man walking down the road sees a plunger, and picks it up... After picking up the plunger, he walks down the road for several miles, and a semi-truck passes. The truck slams on it's brakes, and the driver yells out the window ""Hey buddy, you looking for a good time?!"" The man replies, ""No sir, I'm just going back home."" The truck pulls away, but then after a few hundred feet stops again. The man continues walking, and when he gets to the truck again, the driver has the door open. He says "…

A guy walks into a bar... A guy walks into a bar with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of dog shit in the other. He says to the Barkeep ""Give me a coffee."" Waiter says sure, ""coming right up."" He gets a tall mug of coffee and drinks it down, picks up the bucket of dog shit, throws it in the air and blasts it with the shotgun. Then he just walks out. Next day the guy returns. He has his shotgun and another bucket of dog shit. He walks up to the counter and says. "" Give me a coffee."" The B…

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to another cowboy buddy of his and asks him A: You see that other cowboy over there wearing the leather jacket ? B: Which one ? they`re all wearing leather jackets. A: The one with the big hat. B: They`re all wearing big hats, be more specific. A: The one with the big leather snake boots with 2 guns on the side of his belt ! B: WE ALL WEAR THOSE, WE`RE GODDAMN COWBOYS ! The cowboy gets mad, sits up and shoots and kills every cowboy in the bar except for on…

So, I was waiting in line for Pho, and my buddy called me asking where I was. For some reason, he was offended when I said ""Pho Queue.""

Guy bursts into a dentist's office and says ""HEY, listen here buddy, you have to help me NOW: my teeth are SO sensitive they can sense impending EARTHQUAKES"" the dentist looked at him sternly for a moment and said ""you've got some nerve""

What did the man say to the sad fat guy? Hey, chins up buddy.

My buddy has an inability to visualize feces He can't see shit

I think my friend Ben has a bad reputation. Every time I tell someone that me and my other buddy are friends with Ben Ofitz, they give me a strange look.

A man is stranded in the ocean. And he begins praying to God. ""Dear god, please, surely you will save me."" A couple minutes later, a boat comes by. ""Hey buddy, do you need a ride or something?"" The man responds ""No, no, I'm waiting for our holy lord to save me, but thank you."" Another boat comes driving up. This one from the coast guard. ""Hey, are you ok out here? We can boat you back into shore."" To which the man responds ""No thank you, I am waiting for our holy father to save me from …

can anyone tell me a funny one-liner about throwing a punch and totally missing? My buddy has a video on fb of a guy throwing a punch at a kid, totally missing, then getting a backpack thrown at his face. I want a good one-liner, please! Sorry to steal any anonymous person's thunder on here lol

Buddy of mine asked what will happen if Trump got elected... I replied, ""There will be hell toupee""

A Man Takes His Pet Lobsters Out For A Swim A Game Warden is walking along a beach one morning when he spots a man with a bucket of lobsters. The Warden walks up to the man, flashes his badge and says, ""You're in big trouble, buddy. Poaching lobsters is a serious offense."" The man answers, ""You've got it all wrong, these lobsters are my pets! Every morning I take them out for some exercise. I let them swim around in the ocean for a few minutes and then whistle them back in."" The Warden looks…

My buddy asked me what it's like now that I'm circumcized I told him not much has changed, I just get a little less head.

My Old Teammate Ron. So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7"" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy was driving drunk and wrecked. Ron wasn't wearing his seat belt and was thrown from the vehicle. He suffered a lot of serious injuries, but what was devastating was that they had t…

The other day, I ran into an old buddy of mine... He said to me, ""This company isn't grand enough for a man like me... Someday, I'll show them and quit!"" I replied ""Look, can I just get fries with that?""

Seeking things to troll my buddy with during his marathon this weekend Using an app, I can upload 30-second audio clips to my friend's phone during the marathon he's running this Sunday. Anyone have any funny/mildly insulting things I can troll him with?

I've got a quiet buddy who taught his cat to speak. He's a fan of mew words.

What's the feeling you get when you run out of consonant tiles near the end of a game of scrabble and each turn takes forever because you can't make any words? Irritable Vowel Syndrome. Happened to a buddy not too long ago. Tears of frustration streaming down his cheeks all over his tiles. Which prompted the reply, ""Don't cry; dry your I's!""

My buddy asked me what self explanatory meant... I didn't know what to say.

My buddy told me this one: ""People think I'm ugly until they see my bank account"" ""Then they think I'm ugly and poor.""

A St. Louis Blues fan and Chicago Blackhawks fan walk into a bar together. The Blackhawks fan looks over and asks the Blues fan ""what's the post season like?"" The Blues fan replies, ""I don't know ask the Cubs.""       I thought of this the other day leaving the Blues/Hawks game with my buddy. He's a Hawks fan and I'm a Blues fan. We started giving each other shit after the Blues won. Might not be the best, but we still chuckled at it.

I hate when homeless people beg me for money. No, buddy, I'm not giving you money to buy drugs. I need that money to buy drugs.