Buddy Jokes

Which is worse? A couple guys are sitting in a bar and they are getting a bit drunk. One of them says to his buddy ""hey, have you ever wondered which is worse? Giving birth or getting kicked in the balls?"" His friend considers this for a moment, and responds ""it's an age old question. My wife might say child labor, but i'd say getting kicked in the balls. Maybe we'll never know"". A couple years go by, and the guys see each other in the bar again. The second guy says ""hey. Do you remember th…

An Old Lady Walks Down the Street with 20 Dollar Bills Spilling from Her Bags... A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, ""Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."" ""Oh, really? Darn it!"" said the little old lady. ""I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me office…

I was inspired by r/gifs today. A guy meets a friend for a drink on a Sunday evening. His friend notices he has a huge black eye and asks him what happened. His friend replies, ""So I was in church this morning and when it came time to stand, I noticed the woman in front of me has a huge wedgie. I was just trying to bed nice, so I reached down and pulled it out for her and she turned around and socked me right in the eye!"" The friends meet up next Sunday evening and his buddy notices his other …

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President First briefing to the President by CIA, Pentagon, FBI: Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays. CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Iran, Qatar and others. Trump: The Democrats created them. CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby. Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them. CIA: We can't do that. Trump: Why is that? CIA:…

Trump's first day at Oval office..... ........after being elected President. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI: Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays. CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others. Trump: The Democrats created them. CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby. Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them. CIA: We can't do that. Trump: Why is that? CIA: I…

Trump on Day 1 Trump's first day at the Oval Office, after being elected President First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI: Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays. CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others. Trump: The Democrats created them. CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby. Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them. CIA: We can't do that. Trump: Why is that?…

I blew out a tire the other day. Got it replaced and all. I told a buddy about it and he asked ""Hey man, can I have your old tire?"" I said, ""Sure, but why?"" He explained, ""Well, I'm in an experimental music group and we are going in a unique direction."" I asked, ""What kind of music group needs an old useless tire?"" He replied, ""A rubber band.""

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his p…

Two Friends on a Hunting Trip I work as a park ranger, and this rather lengthy story was passed on to my by a buddy of mine. Not so long ago two good friends from college decided to have a ten year reunion. One was a successful certified public accounted who lived in San Francisco. A rising star in his field, he invited his buddy to fly back to the States for a unique reunion trip. This friend was a fashion designer born, raised, and living in Prague, a Czechoslovakian. The two friends boarded t…

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator The bartender flips out and says, ""Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."" The guy says, ""No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."" He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the …

Mike was an experienced big game hunter... He went into the woods one day in northern Canada, and saw a family of brown bears. Being the merciless, ruthless hunter that he was (Mike was not Canadian), he shot and killed the whole family. The black bears convened after this. Angry about the last of the brown bears in Canada being killed, they plotted revenge on Mike. They ventured down to America in search of Mike, alas they could not find him. A year or so later, Mike traveled back to northern C…

A penguin has car trouble...(oldie) He pulls his car into a gas/service/diner and asks them to check it out. ""OK buddy, we'll get right on it. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes. You can wait in the diner if you want."" so mr. penguin goes to the diner and orders a large sundae. after he's done he goes back to the mechanic ""Hey pal, I hate to tell you this but it looks like you blew a seal!"" ""Oh heavens no,"" says the penguin ""its just ice cream"" *obviously not original but i've onl…

9 months John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't wo…

My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent he's going through withdrawls

Pulling Together A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, ""Pull, Nellie, pull!"" Buddy doesn't move. ""Pull, Buster, pull!"" Buddy doesn't budge. ""Pull, Coco, pull!"" Nothing. Then the farmer says, ""Pull, Buddy, pull!"" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. ""Buddy's blind,"" said the farmer. ""And if he thought he was t…

The guys shows up to work with a black eye. The guy shows up to work with a black eye which his buddy, who works next to him immediately notices..""what happened"" The guy explains... ""I was on the bus today on my way to the office, when this girl stood up and her skirt was up her butt. I didn't want her to be made fun of, so I pulled it out of her butt. She then turned and punched me"". I see, replies his buddy. Then, the next day he shows up with the other eye black. ""what happened now?"" as…

My buddy and I started a mountaineering business 6 months ago, and things haven't been going so well. We may have peaked early.

Smoking two cigarettes at once A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : ""Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you"", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : ""so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?"", he replied : ""i stopped smoking"".

A Man Walks Into A Bar He orders a Scotch from the guy behind the bar. The bar man watches him as he drinks it and then the man opens his suit jacket and looks in his inside pocket at something. He says to the bar man, "" Same again...make it a double.."" He quickly downs it and again, he peeks into his pocket in his jacket. This happens three or four times, each time the barman looks at him doing the same thing. By the time he orders his fifth Whisky, the guy serving him drinks is wondering why…

A ventriloquist is working a nightclub. He tells several ""dumb blonde"" jokes, with his dummy getting all the punchlines. After a while a blonde woman in the audience stands up. ""These jokes are really offensive!"" she says. ""You're making it sound like all blondes are stupid. I'm a blonde, and *I'm* certainly not stupid!"" ""I'm sorry, Miss,"" says the ventriloquist. ""The jokes were meant in fun. I apologize if you were offended."" ""Listen, buddy, you stay out of this,"" says the blonde. "…

Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, ""Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"" The man says back to the blind man, ""Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, ""Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.""

Today is the only day out of the year I wouldn't mind if people asked me the date just so I can respond with ""10/4 buddy""

Why is today a trucker's favorite day? Cuz it's 10-4 GOOD BUDDY!!!

Old Couples in Love An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy addressed his wife with endearing terms-calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and they appeared still very clearly in love. While the wife was off in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his buddy, ""I think it's wonderful that, after all the years you've been married, you still call yo…

Thanks God A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, ""I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."" Our wasted friend asked, ""Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"" ""Yeah, buddy, I'm sure,"" said the cop. ""Let's go."" Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, ""Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled.""