Buddy Jokes

[God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don't like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I'll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That's not GOD: Done.

Listen buddy, I don't know why I'm doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that's why I surround myself with lazy people

Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live *slides the doctor a five dollar bill* Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy *winks at loved ones*

[in bed] "No, I'm serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?"

"Hey buddy, what's up?!!" -- short honk "I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE" -- long honk

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

"Ow that dog just nipped at me" PEE ON IT! "No man NO STOP THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR EVERYTHING" I'M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying "The Printer Can't Be Found." Uh buddy it's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics? DAD: Wouldn't be fair SON: Why not? DAD: [hand on son's shoulder] Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

[1st date] *recalls buddy said women like a manly man* *but also, be sensitive* I like to work with my hands, But splinters make me cry.

Me: [getting stabbed by criminal] buddy this seems illegal

Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the "FRESH EGGS" sign in my yard to brag

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

there's a jehovah's witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

My buddy used to say "why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I'm the cleanest thing in the room." He's still single.

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer* "Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!" "Sir, we don't accept children." *runs away*

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

*hops off a horse* alright buddy, your turn

*sees a car with a "how am i driving" bumper sticker* *calls the phone number* ME: buddy i think it's with a steering wheel

I'm ready for the cop-buddy film where they actually get along in the beginning but hate each other by the end.

My favorite golf joke Two guys are out golfing and a big thunderstorm rolls in. The first guy packs up his gear and starts running for the clubhouse when he sees his buddy take his 1-iron out of his bag and hold it above his head while casually walking in. First guy says, ""What are you doing?! Are you trying to get yourself killed? Don't you see all the lightning?"" ""Don't worry,"" says the second guy, ""even God can't hit a 1-iron.""

Three friends die and go to heaven.. ..when they get there, they see St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter greets them and tells them that to enter heaven they must each answer one question, completely honestly. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks him if he ever cheated on his wife. The man tells St. Peter, ""I never cheated on my wife, I loved her everyday of my life."" St. Peter then welcomes the man into Heaven and tells him because of his faithfulness he gets to drive a Rolls Royce …

But you can. Not every flower can bloom, but a rose can. Not every plant can survive without rain, but a cactus can. And not every retard can read, but look at you! Go little buddy go! (sorry if repost, first post on this sub)