Buddy Jokes

A penguin broke down at the side of the road.. .. the breakdown recovery look the car over. They say to the penguin ""hey buddy, it looks like you blew a seal"" the penguin wipes his mouth and says ""no silly, that's ice cream""

The neighbor's note > Hi John, > > This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. > > I haven't been getting …

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job. The mechanic gapes at the man for a few seconds and then asks, ""What did you say?"" ""A rim job!"" says the man. ""My buddy knows all about cars and he took one look at my wheels and said I desperately needed a rim job."" Realizing that the man was being made sport of, the mechanic felt that it was his solemn duty to keep the game going. ""I'm sorry, sir, but we're strictly front-end work only here,"" said the mechanic. ""For a rim job y…

A buddy of mine quit his job at the paper mill, He said the conditions were tearable.

owl friend Today, my owl buddy told me he was getting married. I replied 'you twit, to who?'

A Millennial is having a thought.. He types ""Capitalism is an outdated economic system and is causing the downfall of America"" on his Apple laptop as he sips his Starbucks coffee and wraps his American Apparel scarf tighter around his neck and texts his buddy about his moral superiority on his iPhone.

My buddy told me he wanted to study paleontology... I told him it was a dead-ends job.

Free Tickets to the US Open My buddy gave me two tickets to the US Open but I realized I am getting married that day. If anyone wants to take my place, the wedding is at St. Paul's Church and her name is Emily

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and swung him around in a circle The bartender says, ""Hey buddy, what are you doing?"" And the blind man says, ""Don't mind me, I'm just looking around.""

I paid a visit to an old friend who bought a farm on the edge of town. He was very busy on the farm but said he had to run to town to pick up supplies and I should come along and we could catch up. The town was small enough that it had only one traffic light that we were approaching as the light was red. But my buddy just sped right through at about 50 mph without even looking. I yelled, ""Didn't you see the red light?"" and he said ""It's no big deal, my brother does it all the time"". I was a …

So funny I forgot to laugh. Me: *tells bad joke* Buddy: That's so funny I forgot to laugh! Me: So is that what Alzheimer's is like? Buddy: That's so funny I forgot to laugh!

I was golfing with my wife when on the 7th hole... my ball landed right behind an old shed. The windows were busted out and my wife said ""You're pretty good I bet you could put it right through the windows and it would roll right up to the green"". So I tried and it ricocheted off the building and killed my wife. A year later I was golfing with a buddy and my ball landed in almost the same spot. My friend said ""why don't you try and put it through the window. I looked at him and said ""ABSOLUT…

Got a buddy who's half Cuban and half Mexican. Came to the U.S. on a raft powered by a weed whacker.

On board the U.S. Navy carrier USS George Washington... the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidently left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, ""That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."" The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing, ""Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes.""

My buddy's autistic twin brother has a seizure while on a camping trip, causing my buddy to miss his first day on the job at Dominoes. ""Tell the manager your brother had a Little Caesar""

A Mug Of Beer There's a man in the back of the bar playing pool with three other guys. After the game the man walks up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender pores the beer into a mug and puts it on the bar. The man drinks the beer and sets it back on bar. He calls the bartender over and tells him. I bet you 100 dollars that not only can I piss in that mug on the bar I won't even splash any on the bar. The bartender say ok buddy your on. The man stands up and pulls his junk out and starts p…

We are Trumped Trump's first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI: Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others. Trump: The Democrats created them. CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby. Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them. CIA: We can't do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan. Trump: So what? CIA: Mo…

God save the world from America! Trump's first day at the Oval Office. First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI: Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others. Trump: The Democrats created them. CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you would lose funding from the natural gas lobby. Trump: Stop funding Pakistan. Let India deal with them. CIA: We can't do that. It is Modi in India and not Manmohan. Trump…

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains, ""Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"" His buddy one chimes in: ""Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"" The third old man patiently listening finally says, ""Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass.""

A joke that is too long and doesn't have a punchline walks into a bar. He looked a bit gloomy. The bartender decides not to comment on this at first and just asks: ""What can I get you?"" The joke replies: ""A beer please"" - ""ok, coming up"". The bartender proceeds to take a glass out of the shelf and pours the joke a nice and cold beer. ""Here you go"". - ""Thanks"". Around 20 minutes pass. The joke sits at the bar, drinking alone. Meanwhile, other people enter the bar. There are two attracti…

Guy walks into a bar... So, this guy walks into a bar with 2 Bananas in his ears. Bartender says ""Hey buddy, whats up with the Bananas?"" Guy says ""What?""

So my buddy thought it'd be a good idea to get an inspirational tattoo on his forehead... Boy, was his face read.

Man sees a girl with the best set of breasts he's ever seen... He approaches her and said ""Hi miss. You have the most beautiful set of breasts i've ever seen. I'll pay you $100 if you let me bite them."" The woman, offended, replies "" Not in a million years creep! Leave me alone."" The man walks away. After a while, he approaches the girl again and says ""Miss i just cannot let go of the fact that your breasts are so damn beautiful. I'll pay you $1,000 if you let me bite them."" The girl, furi…

So Porifera are hanging out in the ocean 680 million years ago.. ..when a Ctenophore swims by. One to the other asks, ""What just happened there?"" Buddy says ""Eumetazoa.""

Me: I like my coffee like I like my ex-wives. My buddy (rolling his eyes): Hot and black? Me: Bitter.