Buddy Jokes

Two guys were working at a sawmill... Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. ""Incredible!,"" says his friend. ""Medical science is amazing."" Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to t…

True Scottish Tales I was drinking in a bar in Edinburgh with my new Scottish friend. We were getting all liquored up, having a good time, just chit chatting, one passing tourist and a local. Late in the evening, the Scotsman gets all serious with me, puts his hand on my shoulder and says..""Can I ask you a personal question?"" I said to my new buddy, ""sure, fire away"". And he says.....""If you woke up in the middle of the woods, not knowing where the hell you were and what you were doing ther…

If Barack and Joe were in a buddy cope movie, would it be called ""Abiden By The Law""?

White one or black one? Tourist trying to get chummy with a shepherd: You've got a nice flock of sheep here...how much wool you get from each? Shepherd: From which one...black ones or white ones? T: Black? S: 3 kgs. T: What about white ones? S: 3 kgs. Tourist: Ok? How much milk do they give? S: Which ones? Black or white? T: Black S: 3 lts T: And what about white? S: They also give 3 lts T: haha...very funny... S: Is that? T: Well...how much meat would I get from one of them? S: From black or wh…

Playing chess with my Australian friend I was eating a package of crackers at the same time. All of the sudden the look of disgust comes over my face. My buddy asks me if there was anything wrong with the cracker I just ate. There was. It was a stale, mate.

Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember. Ser…

A guy walks into a bar wearing plastic wrap pants... The bartender says ""Whoa there buddy, just turn around and leave - I can clearly see you're nuts!""

Fishing A local sheriff received an anonymous tip that there was a young man fishing at the pond without a license. He decides to check it out, and, arriving at the pond, he spots two teenagers fishing at the shore. As he is approaching the pair, one of them looks up, sees the sheriff, and takes off at a sprint. He gives chase, trailing him for about a quarter-mile, at which point the young man is out of breath. The sheriff grabs him and says, panting, ""Let me see your fishing license."" The te…

Two Spanish fisherman are boasting about their Biggest catch... my father's favourite joke. Two Spanish fishermen are relaxing in the *puerto*, and begin to relate to each other their best catches. One goes,' the other day, I caught a massive *bacalao* that was at least four metres long' The other fisherman was clearly impressed, and began to relate his story. 'A few days ago, I was fishing and I caught a motorcycle in the net. But that's not all, it was an ancient motorcycle from World War 2, a…

He Takes His Golf Seriously. An elderly golfer is about to putt when a funeral procession drives by. He removes his hat, and waits for the cars to pass by. His golfing buddy turns to him and says, ""That was very thoughtful of you to do that."" He responds, ""Well, it seemed appropriate. I was married to the woman for 55 years.""

two fish So there were two fish in a tank. The one fish looked at the other and said ""Hey buddy do you know how to drive this thing?""

A flea walks down the beach... ..he see's another flea laying in the sand; frozen and shivering. ""Oh buddy,"" he said. ""What happened?"" ""Ww-wWell I wW-Wwas riding in somMMe guy's mustache, and he r-r-rode a moMotorcycle all the way to the beach. I'm frFReezing!."" The other flea took pity on him and gave him some advice. ""Look man, you want to warm up? Go to the airport. Look for a room called 'Stewardess Lounge' and in there is a bathroom. Jump on a toilet seat and wait for a hairy paradis…

[Theres a joke here] My buddy just got stuck in the dentist elevator. Can someone make a funny? Help me think of some awesome unique taunts related to dentists and/or elevators that I can yell down the shaft while he is in a moment of weakness.

My buddy invited me to a party at his place, saying ""tons"" of people would be coming. It turned out to be pretty lame. When I arrived, his place was dead silent and he seemed to be the only person there. However, I checked the living room and found he hadn't lied; your mother was sitting on the couch.

So two lumberjacks were felling trees.... So two lumberjacks were felling trees when the axe slipped and cut off a guys hand. His buddy grabbed the hand, put it in a ziplock bag and rushed to the hospital. The next day, his buddy is back at work, hand reattached. The wonders of modern medicine! But luck wasn't in his favor, the exact same day the axe slipped and he lost his arm! His buddy puts the arm is a ziplock bag, and rushes him to the hospital again. He returned to work in the afternoon, a…

The Old Samaritan An older couple are in bed at their country home during a bad thunderstorm. There is a surprising knock at the door. The husband goes downstairs to see who it is. A man in soaking wet clothes is standing there and asks ""Can you please give me a push?"" The older husbands responds with a resounding ""No,"" and slams the door shut. The husband goes back upstairs and his wife asks ""Who was that?"" The husband responds ""Just some guy looking for a push in this awful weather."" T…

I made up this joke in a dream. So Joe is eating lunch at work. He sees that in the lunchroom there's another guy there who doesn't have any food with him. This guy walks up to Joe and says, ""Excuse me, would you mind giving me one of your crackers?"" And Joe, nice guy that he is, gives the guy a cracker. The next day, Joe sees the guy in the lunchroom again, and again, the guy has no food. Joe's eating his lunch and again, this guy comes up to him and says, ""Hello, would you mind giving me on…

A man walks into a bar..... A man walks into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and looks around. He says"" If I can show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen can I get a free drink?"" Bartender replies ""I don't know, I've seen some pretty amazing things in my day......sure, if you can top them, free drink on me"" The man reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a Rat, reaches into his other pocket and brings out a tiny piano. Sets them both down on the bar. The Rat sits down a…

A baby fettuccine was scared of the dark... He ran to his dad. His dad went to his sons room with a flashlight. he looked under the bed, saw nothing and said, ""see, buddy? there's nothing to be alfredo.""

Golfing in Scotland John , who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained,' and I'm afrai…

A soldier is at the bar when his buddy walks in. The buddy, surprised to see him, asks... Buddy: Hey how did you escape Iraq? Soldier: Iran.

The Cigar Store [Ignore the fact that I'm writing this in English] In the city of Quebec, there a cigar store. The owner is going on vacation. To keep his business running he asks his friend to take over while he's away. The thing is, his friend doesn't speak a word of French while most people in the city don't speak a word of English. The owner tells him not to worry as customers always ask the same three questions, all he has to do is memorize the answers and all will be well. He tells his fri…

A white supremacist finds a magic lamp. And he makes his wishes. Excited, he runs back to the compound. When he finds his white supremacist buddy, he says, ""Bill, I've solved all our problems--I found a magic lamp and genie inside granted me three wishes."" ""What did you wish for?"" Bill asks. ""First, I wished that the blacks would stop stealing our women. Second, I wished that the Mexicans would stop stealing our jobs. Third, I wished that the Asians would stop stealing our education."" Bill…

I want to give a shout out to liver thanks buddy for keeping all those bad influences out of my life

A man walks into a bar and orders two beers... He finishes one of them and calls over the bartender. ""Give me two more beers,"" the man says. ""You got a full beer sitting there,"" says the bartender. ""That's for my buddy,"" the man replies. The bartender thinks its strange, but serves up two more beers. The man downs one of them and again calls for the bartender. ""Gimme two more beers,"" the man says. The bartender says, ""Look, you already have two full beers sitting there. Just drink those…