Buddy Jokes

Scariest Halloween Costume My buddy just dropped this one on me before our Halloween party... I'm going to dress up as a period for the Halloween Party and I'll show up late, because there isn't anything scarier then that shit

Why did the chicken cross the road? He just made it across and his buddy was like BAACk BAACK.

A skunk, a deer and a giraffe walk into a bar.... The three animals sit down and order a round of drinks. They quickly finish the first round and order a second round, then finish those and order a third round. After they finish the third round, the trio decides its time to move on. When the bartender brings the bill over, the skunk looks at the deer and giraffe and says, ""I'm sorry guys, but I cant pay for this because I only have one scent."" The deer looks at the giraffe and say, ""Sorry bud…

I was lost in Tijuana. But I knew I had to meet my buddy at Sotano Suizo at 8:00. I came upon a gentleman with a donkey, so I asked him, ""Senor? Que hora es, por favor?"" He looked at me, looked at the donkey, and lifted its balls up with his right hand. ""It's about 7:30, amigo."" I said, ""Holy shit! That's incredible! How the hell can you tell time by grabbing a donkey's balls?"" ""Very simple, amigo,"" said the gentleman. ""Sit right here. First, you grab the donkey's balls and you lift the…

Racist white guy So theres this white guy driving down the street. Hes see two black guys walking on the side of the road. He gets excited accelerates and BAM! One guy goes through the windshield and the other goes flying into the cornfield next to them. Shortly after he realizes a cop was behind him and saw the whole thing. In a panic he tries to explain to the officer what happened but get cut short, the officer says ""woah easy buddy I saw what happened, this guy is has committed a B&E an…

A guy calls his friend about the previous night of drinking.... ""man, I was so drunk last night that when I got home I blew chunks"" his friend replies, ""It's okay buddy, I did too"". ""no........chunks is my dog.""

So an old buddy of mine went to prison... He had just gotten married actually, and one of the first things he did as a newly married man was go for a round of 18 holes with his buds. Okay...they also got a few drinks afterwords. When he got home, golf bags in tow, his wife confronted him: ""I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to golf! and... you reek of booze!"" and she really keeps letting him have it, until he can't take it anymore. He's always had a temper, but this …

A buddy had a lawn mower accident and died after getting the ends of his feet cut off. Doctors diagnosed him as lack-toes intolerant

Buddy 1:Hey ever heard of the movie constipation? Buddy 2:No i have not. Buddy 1: that's because it hasn't come out yet.

The disabled vet So my buddy is a disabled vet. It's really sad because he got injured on the job. Turns out he's not very good with animals.

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, ""I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'."" The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy. ""**ONE**"" No one moves a muscle. …

What are you looking for buddy? Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. - What are you looking for buddy? Maybe I can help you. - Hey, just lost a ball and I'm sure it's on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose: - eh, nevermind, I'll just make another one.

A tale of two camels Buddy of mine works at the local zoo. He's usually taking care of the camel they have there they call Sir Hump. They had been noticing that he was looking mopey and depressed so they brought in a companion. This female camel was named Lady Lumps. Anyways, Hump was finally acting normal again and soon enough, they did the freaky deaky camel thruster and had a baby. This camel was born without a hump. When I asked him was they ended up naming it he just smirked at me. He final…

A good one my buddy told me ""It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs - they always take things literally.""

I need a push A man and his wife are woke from their sleep late one night by a knock at their door. The man rushes to the door to find a man that only says ""I need a push"" So the man slams the door in his face and goes back to bed. When he returns his wife is still awake and says wife: ""who was that?"" husband: ""some idiot looking for a push"" wife: ""omg that poor man might be in trouble, you should go give him a push"" So the man feeling guilty runs to the door and opens it and yells ""hey…

two guy's are sitting on the front porch in the yard they see a dog licking his balls one say's to the other do you think I could do that? his buddy says maybe but I think you should pet him first

My buddy just got a supercomputer. Thing's about as big as a room. That shit Cray.

Two guys are in a bar, talking about their wives... First one says: ""So there's this problem between me and my wife, whenever I come home after a night of drinking and get in bed, my wife wakes up really pissed and sends me to the couch!"" Other guy says: ""Yeah, happened to me before, but I figured that instead of trying to not make any noise, I just had to give her a bit of lovin' and she'd shut right up! Worked everytime for me."" ""Great advice! I'mma try that out!"" So that night, the firs…

Its Saint Patriks day and this guy goes into an Irish pub. He gets really drunk and starts insulting people. All the people star getting pissed, so one guy tries to help him. ""Hey, buddy. Are you here alone?"" the guy asks. So the drunk guy goes ""No"", and turns around toward the back and yells ""Donkey!""

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man... Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home. My favorite quote from the dimwit tv reporter:""Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets."" The headline referred to it as a ""massive weapons cache."" By southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds of ammo would be called ""mentally unstable."" Just imagi…

Another 'intelligent' joke Once a guy was putting a saddle on the horse but on the opposite side of the horse. A passerby stops, laughs and says ""Buddy, you are putting the saddle on the other side of the horse"". The guy slaps the passerby and says ""How do you know which way I am going ?""

At the dinner party... the suave man asks his wife ""Pass the sugar, sugar!"" Not to be outdone, his buddy says to his own wife ""Pass the honey, honey!"" Their biker pal turns to his old lady and yells ""Pass the pork, pig!""

So a pirate hobbles uncomfortably into a bar... and the bar tender notices something strange. ""Is that a uhhh... steering wheel in your pants buddy?"" The pirate looks up and says ""Yaaarr it be! And it be driving me nuts!""

A guy down on his luck walks into a bar and is given a magic lamp... A sobbing man walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and sheepishly asks for a double scotch neat. He's on his 3rd glass of scotch when he notices a tiny man playing a piano in the corner of the bar. He thinks he's drunk so he shakes it off and starts telling the bartender how his wife just left him and how he just lost his job. The bartender points to the back room and said ""Walk back there and pick up the gold lamp on t…

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalottapuss *I have to give credit to my buddy /u/canavo for that one!