Buddy Jokes

This guy at the bar gets so drunk he pukes on his own shirt... then the guy says to the bartender, ""Oh no! My wife is gonna kill me when she finds out that I got so drunk I puked on my own shirt!"" The bartender replies, ""Hold on buddy, here's what you do. Take a ten dollar bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell your wife that some ""other"" guy puked on your shirt but gave you ten dollars for the cleaning bill."" ""That's awesome."" he says. Later on when he gets home hi…

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging from the front of his belt. The bar tender said, ""Hey buddy, you have a steering wheel tied to your pants"". To which the pirate replied, ""Arr, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!""

When asked what it was like getting over a Viagra addiction my buddy said,""Well my first few days were the hardest.""

That good buddy on Facebook who likes your status because nobody else will.

Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I'm married to her and I don't even have a chance.

My buddy says he is the world's worst at self-deprecating humor. he worried once he was too modest. Then realized he was wrong.

What the the electrician say to his buddy? Watts up?!

My buddy said he'd give his right arm to be ambidextrous I can only admire such dedication.

My buddy the hacker took the quiz ""What Beatles song best describes your life."" The answer he got: ""My Way"".

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, ""Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a re…

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, ""O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye."" Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. ""Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."" O'Brian burst into tears, ""Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."" ""Well…

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, ""Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."" The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. ""Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the co…

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, ""Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."" ""What do you mean?"" asked the second guy. ""Well,"" replied the first. ""I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"" ""Healthier? How is that?"" his buddy wondered. ""Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible heada…

Donna's husband Mike died suddenly one day. Donna was taking care of the funeral arrangements with the undertaker when she was asked how she wanted Mike's obituary to read. Donna asked the undertaker, ""How much does an obituary cost?"" The undertaker replied, ""One dollar per word."" Donna then said, ""I want the obituary to read - MIKE IS DEAD."" The under taker was an old fishing buddy of Mike's and he was a little disturbed by such a curt obituary, so he offered, ""I'll make you a special de…

Two men are driving through Pennsylvania when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, ""What the hell was that for?"" The cop answers, ""You're in Pennsylvania son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."" The driver says, ""I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."" The cop runs …

The Reverend John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, walking down Main St., he noticed a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. ""Mrs. Fitzgerald,"" the reverend said sternly. ""This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me…

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. ""I don't serve strings in this bar,"" the bartender says roughly and throws him out. The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. ""Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"" the bartender says. ""Yeah,"" the string says. ""Aren't you a string?"" the bartender says. ""I'm a frayed knot,"" the string replies.

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former ""loves"". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, ""Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"" Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. ""She couldn't say 'yes'.""

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, ""Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."" The customer replied, "…

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, ""Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."" The guy with the Chihuahua said, ""We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."" The one with the Doberman said, ""Just follow my lead."" They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The b…

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, ""I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."" His buddy hung his head. ""To tell you the truth, I forgot…

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says ""Hey."" The horse says ""You read my mind buddy.""

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For no reason the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail really hard. Years and years later the same elephant now grown up is by the same river having a drink with his giraffe buddy when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can sending him flying way off into the jungle. ""Why did …

A pastor a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our cl…