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Cow Jokes What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chicken." What do you call a fat cow with a terrible personality? My ex girlfriend. What is the proper term for a pregnant cow? Also my ex girlfriend. Whoaa Nellie, that escowlated quickly. Growing up

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The worst stash spot At the back woods bum-duck county police station the phone rings... 'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'Ah'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Mr. Virgil Smith....ya see sir, he's hidin' marijuana inside all his firewood pieces! Don't quite know how he gets it inside dem logs, but he's a-hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They searched the shed wh

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A guy and his wife are in bed late at night... ... when they hear a knock on the door. The guy goes to the door and answers it and there’s a man standing there who says, “Hey, guy, can you give me a push?” The guy who answered the door says, “no, get lost”, and slams the door shut. He goes back to his bed and his wife asks him what that was all about. He tells her there was this guy at the door wanting a push, and he said no. She says, “Go out there and give him a push. He’s probably having

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A Golf Story John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'she explained and 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay

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A man, walking with a brick tied to a dog leash... A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him, walks up to the man and says, "Hello sir, I like your dog!" The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, "It's not a dog, it's a brick." The policeman replies, "Oh, sorry, I thought you ... never mind," and walks off, puzzled. As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, "We fooled

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Things you don't want to hear while undergoing an operation * Did he say the right or left leg? * I'd feel a lot better about this if the dotted lines were pre-drawn like back at school. * Buddy! Buddy! Come back with that! Bad dog! * Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie. * Oh no! I just lost my watch. * Argh! There go the lights again... * That's so cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! * I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. * FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! * What do you mean you w

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The Goat and The Horse There was a farmer who had a horse and a goat. One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said: Well, your horse has a virus. He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down. Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, they gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said: Be strong, my friend. Get up or e

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A kid's walking down the street... ...he finds a welders mask on the sidewalk and puts it on. He keeps walking down the street, flipping the mask up and down, open and closed. A car pulls up next to him and the window rolls down. A man leans out and asks the boy if he'd like a ride. He says "sure" and gets in the car. He sits in the passenger seat, flipping the mask up and down and the driver looks at him and smiles. "Tell me, son," he says, "do you know what sodomy is?" "Nope," says the kid, f

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An honest mistake. A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. "Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it." "What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are

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Two friends have a bet over who knows more people Two friends, Stephen and James, have an argument over who knows more people. Stephen says: "Well, that's a freebie - I'm bowling buddies with the mayor and know more than half of the town council, and I went to university with that one girl from that soap opera." James: "Yeah, but I bet you don't know the state government." Stephen: What? How would y-- nonsense, you don't know them, least of all the governor." James: "Let's drive to the state c

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Two men are in the operating room Two men are in the operating room getting prepared for surgery. One says to the other, "Hey buddy, what are you in for?" The other says, " I'm here to get my tonsils taken out" The first man says "Oh that's not so bad. I had that done when I was younger, and I got to eat ice cream for two days strait." The second man felt at ease with this reassurance. "Thanks for that, doesn't sound so bad. What about you, what are you in for?" The first man

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An American and a Soviet die and go to hell... Satan meets them at the gate. "Just for fun, I'ma give you two both a choice. You can either go to American or Soviet hell." "What's the difference, trucker?" asks Arlo Freedom. "Would they not simply be the 2010s versions of our countries?" entreats Ivan Dmitrovich. "Not really," Satan croons. "American hell is basically your normal life, only you have to eat a bucket of horseshit every day. "Soviet hell is the same, only you eat two bucke

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The ventriloquist... ...and his dummy were getting big laughs with their repertoire of blonde jokes. Midway through the act, a blonde woman in the audience stood up and yelled, "This is offensive! Is it right to stereotype people by their race? No! Is it right to stereotype people by their religion? No! So why is it okay to stereotype women by their hair color? I'm a blonde, and I'M not stupid!" "I'm sorry, Miss," said the ventriloquist. "I certainly didn't mean any offense." "You s

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On long plane trip, a woman is sitting next to a lawyer. She wants to sleep, but the lawyer does not stop talking... *"Let's play a game"* - he suggests. The woman ignores him. *"To make it interesting"* - he continues - *"if I answer incorrectly to your question, I'll pay you $50. If you answer incorrectly to my question, you pay me $5."* The woman agrees, and the lawyer asks the first question. *"What is the distance between Earth and the Moon?"* The woman hands him $5. Now it's her

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A monocle walks into a bar After a few drinks the [monocle](http://www.yoghurt-optimal.by/img/avatar-elements/monocle.png) starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the barstool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump

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The Horniest Rooster A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster"one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: "Henry," he said, "I

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Living next to a golf course A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. " W

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A man and his pet goat walk into a bar. It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: "Last call." So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my goat." The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the goat falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts o

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So Jesus in on vacation hitch hiking in America... A trucker sees a man and decides to give him a lift. "Do you need a ride?" The trucker asks. "Yea if you'll give me one." So Jesus gets in the car and about 30 miles down the road the trucker asks "Hey buddy are you thirsty I have a cooler full of beer." "I could drink." Jesus replied. They both grab a cold one and head down the road. Not making much small talk throughout the trucker says "Hey buddy are you hungry? My wife makes killer tuna

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A man is about to leave for a night out A man was about to leave for a night out with his buddy. "If you get drunk again," warned his wife, "I'll have your hide." "Don't worry, honey." said the man, and was on his way. The man and his buddy had a few beers when the man said "I need to quit drinking. I've had enough. I gotta be on my best behavior tonight." His buddy tried to convince him to have another. "Come on," he said, "don't be a party pooper." "You don't understand," said the m

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