Buddy Jokes

Guy walks into a bar with.... A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch out of here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mout…

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant... While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress. One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no. Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no. The hillbilly walked over to the woman,…

Hi Alan – It’s John from next door. I need to talk to you about something I am very ashamed of and know you will probably be quite angry about. The last 3 months we have been sharing your wife. Not every day, but at least 3 times a week and my girlfriend found out yesterday and is making me tell you. I didn’t want to tell you face to face so decide to message you. Sorry buddy. “Damn Straight it wont happen again” says Alan as he stares at the screen of his phone. With this, he goes to the bedr…

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one. A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving. "You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating." This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border into Colorado, a cop flashed his lights and the man pulled over. The cop walks up to the driver's side and the man rolls down his window. "Hey, Bud…

A man goes to a bar A man goes to a bar and asks for 5 shots of Whiskey and the bartender asks "Woah buddy, what's the matter?" the man responds with "Today I found out my son is gay". The bartender hands his 5 shots. The next day the man comes back and asks the bartender for 10 shots of Whiskey, the bartender asks "What's wrong today?" the man responds with "Today I found out my father is gay" the bartender gave him 10 shots. The man is back the next day yet again and asks for 15 shots of Whis…

A cop sees a drunk stumbling down the street He says, "Hey, Buddy, you look a little drunk, you ok?." The drunk says, "Man, I sure am glad to see you officer. See, somebody just stole my car." The cop says, "Stole your car? Where was the car when you last saw it?" The guy says, "Right on the end of this key." The cop looks at the key and looks at the drunk and says, "Well, go two blocks down to the Station and report it to the desk sergeant." The drunk says, "Thanks, officer. You been…

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and …

Where ya from Sam? A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, b…

Grandma has golfers by the balls.. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic rubbish bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £ 20 note fell out onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Damn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me constable." "Well, now, not so fast," said the c…

Joke tutorial **intro** I love this joke, and I feel like this is a great place to put it. I ALWAYS get someone with this joke. The story can be a variation, but the punch line has to be a certain way. PROTIP: tell the joke in a group, the sucker will never live it down. **Joke** These two gay guys meet up for their weekly game of "guess what's in my ass." They head to the hotel room, strip down, lube up, and get down to business. The first guy suggests his buddy go first, he agrees, ben…

HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS HOW TO GET RID OF ANTS My buddy from Atlanta Georgia swears this works. Go to Home Depot or Walmart and buy a can of black spray paint. Stir up each ant mound as you go and the area around them with a stick. The ants will emerge by the hundreds to defend the mounds. Spray each mound and the surrounding area, making sure you get plenty of paint on the ants as well. Once the ants realize they live in a black neighborhood, they quit working and start k…

A blind guy is out for a walk with his seeing eye dog. He's stopped at a light waiting for it to change. His dog gets an attack and relieves himself. The light changes and the dog leads the owner across the street. A passerby says "Hey buddy, your dog made a mess at the corner. Go take care of it" Blind guy says "How do you expect me to do that? I can't see shit"

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them …

My buddy showed up to work Monday with a black eye I asked him what happened, and he said, “Well, I was at church yesterday and there was a woman in front of me. When we stood up, I noticed that her skirt had squeezed into her ass crack, so I pulled it out for her. She turned around and punched me in the eye!” The next Monday, my buddy showed up to work with the other eye blackened. I couldn’t believe it, so I asked him what happened this time. He said, “Well, went to church again, and sat…

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strange…

Zoo Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."

Two guys were out fishing... Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and funeral procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!" To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

A Pastor, a Doctor, and an Engineer... A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!" The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him." "Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks. The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight sav…

How to milk a cow "I haven't sold one tractor all month," a tractor salesman tells his friend. "That's nothing compared to my problem," his buddy replies. "I was milking my cow when its tail whips around and hits me in the forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied its tail up to the rafters. Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with its right hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie its one leg up to the rafters. I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head w…

Oversmart A famous art collector is walking through Greenwich Village when he notices a mangy old cat lapping milk from a saucer in front of a store. And the collector does a double take when he sees the saucer. He knows it's very old and very valuable. So he saunters casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. But the store owner says to him, 'I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.' And the collector says, 'Please. I need a hungry old tomcat around the house to catch…

God will save me Heard this a while back at summer camp or something of the like. Haven't seen it on here yet. A man is drowning in a lake. A boat drives up and the captain asks him, "hey buddy, need any help?" The man responds, "No, God will save me." The captain reluctantly goes about his way and a little later a speedboat drives up to the drowning man. "Hey buddy, can I help you?" "No, god will save me." The man drowns and up in heaven he goes up to God and says, "Hey, why didn't you …

A man approaches the ticket counter at a train station, and notices that he and the attendant have matching black eyes... The man approaches the ticket counter, and says "Hey, look at that buddy, we've got matching shiners! How'd you get yours?" The ticket attendant replies, "Oh man, it's the damndest thing... this beautiful woman came up to the counter just SPILLING out of her shirt. Instead of saying 'Here's your ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said 'Here's your picket to Tittsburgh', …

A drunk enters... ...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up: "You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry,…

MOUSE HOLE This guy was having a problem with mice in his apartment. "Dude," he told a friend, "I've tried everything and those damn mice keep coming back." "I had the same thing man," his friend says. "All you have to do is stuff steel wool in their little holes." "That's it?" the guy asked. "I'll do it tonight if it means getting rid of the damn rodents." About a week later the guy gets a call. "How's it going with the mice, buddy?" "Not so good, dude." "What's the problem?" his friend asks. …