Buddy Jokes

At his wedding, my buddy told me I’m the worst best man he has ever seen. I was speechless.

my buddy told me his dog could bring him a ball from a mile away. Sounds pretty far fetched.

Arkansas. Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each". Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sell 'em, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. I'll talk in a slow Texas drawl, so's…

The Penguin Joke A truck delivering penguins to the Zoo broke down a few miles from its destination. The driver flagged an empty truck down. He said hey Buddy can you help me out I need to get these penguins to the zoo in the next hour and the repair truck will be here in about the same time, could you help me out and take them to the Zoo? The other driver said sure load them in my truck. The loaded truck takes off for the zoo. About two hours later the broken truck is repaired and he sees…

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm... ...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Do…

A guy is camping and finds his buddy standing over an outhouse toilet about to drop a $50 bill down the hole. “What on earth are you doing?” he asks his buddy. His friend replies “I was taking a dump and a $10 bill fell out of my pocket and went down the hole…… and I sure as hell ain’t going down there for ten bucks”.

Grandfather of the year A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: \- "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, \- "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there”. At the checkout the little horror is throwing items …

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the barstool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangl…

An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins, well your old man just…

Misunderstanding An old man with hearing problems crashed his car into a very expensive automobile. The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says “Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!” The old man replies, “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.” The old man dials his son as as he is about to speak the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says “So you train dolphins…

Two Jewish guys are walking down the street... Two Jewish guys are walking down the street when they spot a sign outside a church: "Today Only: Convert to Christianity and we will give you 100 bucks cash!" "I'm gonna do it," one guy tells the other and disappears through the church door. 5 minutes later he's back. "Well, Did you get the cash?" his buddy asks. "Jeez Is that all you people think about?" comes the friend's reply. edit: cheers for the upvotes. It was a joke John Cleese told w…

*The parking tickets* I went to Walmart today, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a **handicap spot**. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the cou…

Nice horse A guy called his horse rancher buddy and said he was sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy asked, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy. My friend's a midget with a speech impediment." So the midget showed up and the rancher asked if he was looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth," the midget said. The rancher showed him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin horth," the midget said. "Can I thee her eyeth "? So the rancher picked up the…

My buddy sidled up next to me at the club and said, "Hate to be the one to break this to you, but I just saw some dude put his arms around your girl three times." I laughed and told him I didn’t believe him because... Nobody’s got arms that long.

I walked into a bar And ordered 10 shots of vodka at the bar and started doing shot after shot until I got 6 in and the bartender said 'Jeez buddy, are you having problems?' to which I replied "You wouldn't want what I got.". He asked what I had and I said "About 35 cents" He kicked me out promptly afterwards So I was walking down the sidewalk kinda buzzed and stumbled into two priests. They apologized and I replied "I'mje -hiccup- Jesus Christ". They looked at each other and said "no no …

Girlfriend A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and h…

Paper A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no toilet paper in this one, either! "

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

The oldest joke I know. Three men are working on a building site. Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building. The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich. “By god” the man exclaims, “I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building a…

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man. “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manager and they …

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift. I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills. "The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

Extra seats A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man. “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get the manager involved.” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments he returns with the manag…

I went to Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. H…

A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard fe…

My buddy signed up for one of those "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks"" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...