Buddy Jokes

OC: after talking with my buddy, I thought of this. how do you know if some does crossfit? They''ll tell you.

What did the boy say when his dog died? I'm gonna miss you buddy, you were my best friend.

What are you looking for buddy? Normal day at the office, when one guy notices his coworker distraught. He goes over to his cubicle and sees him looking for something on the floor. They spend half an hour looking for it, when the guy starts picking his nose:

What do you call your disabled study-buddy? Your cerebral pal-sy.

What did the grave robber say to his gym buddy in the locker room? I'm gonna get some head tonight.

What's Ellen Pao's husband's favourite web plugin? Ponzi Buddy.

What do you call an elephant and a rhino mixed? Asked my buddy "What would you call an elephant and a rhino mixed?". He looks at me and says "Shit man, Helliphino".

What is Ellen Pao's favourite piece of Malware? Ponzi Buddy

What did the Taliban soldier say to his buddy? Afgan I pee... Stan he fer me a minute.

A guy told his buddy: "I've got a new girlfriend and she's anorexic." "Oh, right. How's it going?" "Not too well. Each week, I'm seeing less and less of her." Apparently 72 per cent of American women are now overweight. Shocking figures!

"How are you doing?" said a young guy bumping into his buddy at the bar. "I was fine . . . until last night." "Why? What happened?" "My girlfriend and I were talking about how many people we had slept with." "Oh. What did she say?" "She said she could count the number of guys she's slept with on one hand." "That's good, surely?" "Yeah, I was relieved . . . but then I saw that she was holding a calculator."

Two men were walking down the street of a naval port when they saw a drunken sailor on his hands and knees in a large muddy puddle. "Are you okay, buddy?" they asked. "I'm looking for something," slurred the sailor, nearly falling on his face. "Can you help me?" The men looked in the puddle but could see nothing. Finally the drunk staggered out of the puddle and announced: "I've found it!" "Found what?" asked the two men. "The shore!" My grandfather was in the very first submarine. Instead of a …

Harry was a compulsive gambler who would bet on anything – cards, horses, roulette, dogs, football, baseball, dice, basketball. One day after a run of bad luck, he said to his best friend: "Buddy, I hate asking you this, but I need $3,000 urgently. We've got no food in the house, I owe three months' rent, the kids need new clothes and my wife is too ashamed to go out because we have bad cheques at every store in town. Is there any way you can help me out?" The friend thought for a moment before …

Drinking in a bar with his buddy, a guy said: "A little old lady down the end of my road got hit by a car this morning and was killed." "Oh, that's sad." "Yeah, it's such a shame – two days earlier and I could have got my wife some flowers for her birthday."

A guy was meeting a friend in a bar, and as he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other: "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

A guy told his buddy: "Last night I confessed to my wife that I had cheated on her four times over the past year." "Hey, that was a brave thing to do." "Well, I believe that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. Besides, now we won't have any secrets between us when she comes out of the coma."

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man, "There's …

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily …

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

“I’ve been making a lot of Freudian slips lately” a man says casually to his friend. ”Like what?” asks his buddy. ”Well, last week I asked the train conductor for two pickets to Tittsburgh.” ”I did something similar the other day” says the friend. My wife and I were having breakfast, and instead of saying, “Honey, please pass the butter” I said, “You bitch, you ruined my life!”

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." "It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?" The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again." To which the local jock replied…

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started…

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and say…

A mouse was dancing & enjoying in a Lion's Wedding. An Elephant was surprised to see this and asked: Hey Buddy, Why are YOU dancing & enjoying so much? Mouse continued enjoying & dancing & replied calmly: You may not be knowing, but before my marriage, even I was a Lion.