Buddy Jokes

Hans and Johns It's WW II. A group of American soldiers get ambushed. The worst part is they can't find where the Germans firing on them are hiding. One of the Americans gets an idea and asks his buddy, "Hey, what's a common German name?" "I don't know, Hans?" "HEY HANS!" Hans jumps up from the bushes, "Ya?" BANG - Hans gets dragged to the hospital, spending 6 months getting patched up before being sent back to the frontlines. Hans gets in a shootout when the same American soldier recogniz…

A man missed the bus to get home after work and is telling his buddy the story "As I was going thru the neighborhood, I didnt realize there was a house with a loose pitbull" Oh no, so what happened? - asked his buddy The vicious dog saw me and started running towards me. Naturally, fear and adrenaline kicked in so in a split second I took off running too! I had no idea I could run that fast... I ran so fast I was sliding and slipping. But the dog was fast and hungry for flesh and he was barki…

My buddy was finally convinced to take the dare to jump off a bridge near the sea pier pressure

An X-ray walks into a bar... The bartender asks, "The usual?" The x-ray replies, "No, I'm spent. I'm here so frequently but today is the worst day to be short." The bartender smiles, "Ok, here's a juice, don't worry it's on the house. So care to shed some light on what's troubling you?" The x-ray sighs, "I just found out I'm on the spectrum. No wonder I always feel like no one sees the real me" The bartender chuckles, "Well buddy, I think it's 'cause you're always so negative!"

A cannibal, a spy and a soldier... ...are at a bar one night in ancient Rome. The soldier is unusually quiet, drinking heavily and fighting back tears. "What's got you down?" the spy asks the soldier. He sighs. "I think my wife is cheating on me. She's out late at night, avoids me, ignores me, lately she hasn't come home at all. The signs point to her being unfaithful, and I don't know what to do." "Geez, that's a tough one, buddy," the cannibal says. He takes one last drink. "I have to h…

This might be the last chance I have to tell this joke for a while; So a man and his dog walk into a bar to watch the Packers/Bears game... [Long] A man and his dog walk into a bar to watch the football game between the Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears. The man takes a seat at the bar and his dogs hops up onto the empty stool right next to him and they both settle in for what is sure to be an exciting game. Sure enough, it's a battle for the ages. Early in the first quarter, Green Bay…

Little Johnny Little Johnny wakes up in the hospital after having his appendix taken out only to find out he has messed the bed while under anesthesia. Thankfully no one else was in the room and he starts worrying people will laugh at him so he comes up with a plan. He jumps out of bed, takes his soil bed clothes off, throws them on the bed, wraps the sheets up around everything, opens the window and throws it out. There are two guys sitting below his room having a smoke and all of a sudden …

Make the horse laugh There's a sign outside a local bar that says, Anybody who can make our horse laugh can drink for free all night. A guy walks into the bar and says to the bartender, I'd like to try and make the horse laugh. He walks into the stables and a few moments later, the horse is laughing hysterically. The guy drinks for free all night. A few weeks later, he returns. The sign now says, Anybody who can make our horse cry drinks for free all night. The guy tells the bartender he wants …

My buddy was caught stealing luggage from the airport, his trial didn't last more than an hour It was a brief case

Kia driver A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce... The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have Wi-Fi." The driver of the Kia says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls, looki…

A man has to go to the bathroom. He enters and finds the only stall occupied. He waits around for a few minutes, but the occupant doesn't move. He knocks on the Door and asks "Hey buddy, Sorry but I really gotta go, are you going to be long in there?" The person inside replies with a thick accent:"What? Sorry no understand. My English not very good" "European?" Says the man "No" replies the one inside, "Ima shittin"

A man is shocked to find his buddy wears a bra. He asks “How long have you been wearing that?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

My trucker friend asked me if I knew the date. I said 10-4 good buddy

Jesus died for your sin... But your cos and tan? That's on you buddy.

Two old men are sitting on either end of a park bench... On one side, the old man is quietly reading his newspaper. On the other end of the bench, that old man is pantomiming fishing. He takes our an imaginary worm, baits an imaginary hook, casts out with his imaginary rod, and slowly reels in the imaginary line. He then unhooks an imaginary fish, drops it in sn imaginary bucket, and then starts the whole process over. After a while, a policeman comes up to the pair. The man reading the…

A friend of mine was telling me about the time his wife tried to leave him by writing a breakup letter after he came home late again. She left a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, my buddy comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote somet…

Sisyphus walks into a bar… And he asks the bartender for a whiskey. The bartender asks, “On the rocks?” Sisyphus just gives him a long, hard look and says, “Buddy, it’s been a long day, and I’m really not in the mood.”

Pull A guy drives into a ditch, but luckily, a farmer is there to help. He hitches his horse, Buddy, up to the car and yells, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy doesn’t move. "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy doesn’t budge. "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer says, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse drags the car out of the ditch. Curious, the motorist asks the farmer why he kept calling his horse by the wrong name. "Buddy’s blind," said the farmer. "And if he thought he was the only one pullin…

My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo The money's not great but the tips are huge.

Homer A little girl who was writing a school paper asked her father, "Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?" "It's mostly a matter of degree." the dad replied. " Let me show you what I mean". With that the dad picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A man answered the phone and the dad says, "Hello, is Homer there?" The man on the other end answered, "I'm sorry, you must have the wrong number. There's nobody here by that name." The father hangs up and immediatel…

Buddy of mine got a brand new Mercedes Benz for his Wife Damn good trade if you ask me.

A horse... ... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty happy with himself. "OK, now I can start a band!" So he calls up his friend, a cow and says "Hey, I'm pretty excited bout this band I'm starting, do you wanna be my bass player?" Of cours…

It's true that carrots are great for memory. Buddy of mine shoved one up my ass 15 years ago and I still remember it to this day.

Last year I entered the New York City marathon. ​ The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied, "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race. ​ (from my Dad)

A guy driving a Kia. A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce... The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have Wi-Fi." The driver of the Kia says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Kia!" The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, s…