Buddy Jokes

When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you... Three friends are sitting in a bar drinking, when one turns to the others and asks, "When you die and you're in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy thinks and says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school te…

A Blind Man walks into an all women's bar He sits down and orders a shot. After the shot he asks, "Does anybody want to hear a blonde joke?" The lady next to him leans over. She says, "Hey buddy, so I'm gonna tell you this because it seems like you don't know any better. I'm a blonde coal miner, that woman over at the bar is a blonde professional boxer, the bartender is a blonde cage fighter, that woman at the pool table is a blonde steel mill worker, and shes a blonde bouncer. So buddy, are yo…

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?" Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The b…

Blind Guy Walks Into a Bar A blind guy with a guide dog walks into a bar. Suddenly, he yanks on the dog's leash, swings it above his head, and smashes tables and chairs with the poor yelping animal while the patrons flee in fear. After he's wrecked the place and stopped swinging the dog, he picks up a stool, sits down and orders a drink. The gobsmacked bartender asks him, "Hey Buddy, just what the hell do you think you were doing?!" The blind guy pats his dog on the head and says, "…

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink... He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar. "Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that." The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp. "Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes." He says. "Just make sure you speak clearly" The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says. "A million bucks!" The guy shouts, and wi…

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown. Sergeant: What was she wearing? Husband: Coul…

Nithe lookin horth... A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment." So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nithe eyeth, c…

AN ENGINEER, DOCTOR, AND PASTOR GOLFING A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind…

Missing Wife - Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. - Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... - Sergeant: What is her height? - Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. - Sergeant: Weight? - Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. - Sergeant: Color of eyes? - Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. - Sergeant: Color of hair? - Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dar…

A buddy of mine got sent to jail A buddy of mine got sent to jail and completely lost his shit as soon as he got there. 30-seconds in, he punched another guy, that guy went down, and a huge fight broke out. There was a lot of blood, a lot of swearing, and the whole time my buddy was just swinging wildly and shouting absolute nonsense. We don't play Monopoly together anymore.

Just asked my buddy if he knew the chemical symbol for Sodium Hypobromite. He said: "NaBro"

A Man Takes His Pet Lobsters Out For A Swim A Game Warden is walking along a beach one morning when he spots a man with a bucket of lobsters. The Warden walks up to the man, flashes his badge and says, "You're in big trouble, buddy. Poaching lobsters is a serious offense." The man answers, "You've got it all wrong, these lobsters are my pets! Every morning I take them out for some exercise. I let them swim around in the ocean for a few minutes and then whistle them back in."The Warden looks at …

I tried to warn my buddy that his tattoo guy was terrible, but he didn’t listen. He came back..with disappointment written all over his face.

The other day, my buddy told me he was taking over the family business. I was so happy for him. But then I found out his parents are unemployed

A hunter is deep in the woods, stalking bears When he comes across a giant grizzly drinking at a watering hole. The hunter takes aim and fires, but when the smoke clears the bear's nowhere to be seen. Suddenly, he gets a tap on the shoulder, turns around and finds the grizzly behind him. "You tried to kill me," the grizzly says. "So you've got a choice - I either kill you right now, or you bend over, drop your trousers and let me have my way with you." Not wanting to die, the hunter slowly dr…

Golf buddies Two friends who haven't seen each other in awhile have just finished up a round of golf. They're undressing in the locker room, and one of the guys takes off his shirt and pants and he's wearing a bright pink sports bra and matching thong underware. His buddy looks at him suspiciously and asks, "How long you been wearing that stuff". He replies, "Ever since my wife found them in my back seat".

My buddy got arrested… …on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long.

Retelling how I heard it long ago… A string walks into the bar. He goes up to the bar sits down and yells “Hey bartender gimme a beer!” and the bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve your kind here.” So the string yells again “Bro gimme a beer!” The Bartender says “Buddy we don’t serve your kind in here!” So the string gets belligerent and yells “Bartender gimme a damn beer over here!” The Bartender yells back “Buddy get out of here before I tell security to get you out!” The string goes, “Ok bu…

Two friends are walking in the square when they noticed a poker buddy of theirs sitting on a bench, waving at them. "Hey Carson, I am having a terrible headache. It's ruining my day." says the acquaintance. "Do you have any medicine with you?" Carson opens his fanny pack, takes out a pill, and hands it to him. "Here, take this and get some rest. Don't worry. You'll get better." The two friends say goodbye to him, and continue walking. Until a lady, their neighbor, appears in their path. She…

So a redneck says to his buddy... So a redneck says to his buddy, "I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee." "Did you have fun?" his buddy asks. And the redneck says, "No. I think I'm gonna need a flatter dog."

Still my favorite joke A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the fl…

An old guy is sitting on a park bench… His buddy runs up to him and sits down out of breath.. He says Max what’s going on? He says I just ran 3 miles in 27 minutes.. He says you’re 85 years old what are you doing running 3 miles. He says I’m on a new routine. I eat a loaf of Jewish rye bread every day and it’s helping me with my stamina and it’s also helping me perform with the ladies. … So intrigued, he goes straight to the deli.. He says I want three loaves of Jewish rye bread… She sa…

The manager in our plastic surgery department is incompetent. I said to him in private... "Look, buddy, it's not my job to make other people look good."

A guy walks into a bar with a frog on his head The bartender looks at him for a moment and asks "Hey buddy, what the hell is that about", pointing at the frog The frog replies "I have no idea, it started out as a bump on my ass" Whomp whomp

At his wedding, my buddy told me that I’m the worst best man he has ever seen. I…was speechless.