Buddy Jokes

She actually said that? A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me a…

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar and says, "Quick, give me a beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts." The bartender obliges, the man drinks them down and repeats, "Quick, give me another beer and a shot of whiskey before it starts." The bartender obliges and the man repeats the phrase, "Hurry, one more round before it starts." The bartender says, "Hold on there buddy, how are you gonna pay for all these drinks?" The man says, "Shit, it just started."

A blind man walks into a bar A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?" The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?" The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

Guy bursts into a dentist's office Guy bursts into a dentist's office and says "HEY, listen here buddy, you have to help me NOW: my teeth are SO sensitive they can sense impending EARTHQUAKES" the dentist looked at him sternly for a moment and said "you've got some nerve"

Walking home from the bar, a man walked by me with only one shoe on... I assumed he was wasted and hadn't yet realized, so I said to him "hey buddy, you lost a shoe!" He said "no I didn't, I found one".

A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance... As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9. "Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Never noticed. Sergeant: Color of hair? Husband: Changes a couple times…

A drunk is stumbling down the street, and approaches a cop on duty The drunk says, "Officer, I need your help. Somebody stole my car!" The cops askes, "Where was it when you last saw it?" The drunk replies, holding a silver key, "right on the end of this key." The cop chuckles, and says, "Well, you better head down to the station and fill out the proper forms. They'll help you out." The drunk says, "Ok", and starts to wander off. But before he can get away, the cop calls out to him. "Hey b…

A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range... The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The sniper shrugs and says "Thank God, only had one bullet left."

Poor little Rabbit A vegan is driving his Escalade down the highway and as he turns a corner he spots a rabbit run out in front of him. He locks up the brakes and skids side to side, desperately tries to not run over the rabbit. The rabbit takes a couple hops to the left and SPLAT! The front right tire flattens the bunny. Moments later the vegan is sitting on the side of the road, hands in his face, tears pouring down his cheeks over committing murder. He sees another car approach and sto…

My buddy joined Christian Mingle... it's going pretty well, He got nailed three times in one night.

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing. Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home... Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall. Sergeant: Weight? Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed. Sergeant: Color of …

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer. Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in". Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck. Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything". ....I'll see myself out now.

Two men go hunting...... One guy is looking through his new scope and says, "Hey I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on ya." He buddy says, "I'm tired of her. Shoot her in the head and him in the private parts." He looks back and says, "I can get that in one shot."

Three old men Three old men are golfing. One of them complains, "Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper" His buddy one chimes in: "Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger" The third old man patiently listening finally says, "Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks for a beer. The bartender stops him, and says "Well, before you order, let me tell you about our special." He directs the man's attention down to the end of the bar, where there are two huge chunks of meat hanging on meat hooks. "If you can run down to the end of the bar, jump up, and take a bite out of one of those pieces of meat, you get to drink free here for the rest of your life. But I'll warn you, if …

A Pirate walks into a bar with a paper towl on his head.... Bartender goes "Hey buddy whats with the paper towl on your head?" The Pirate replies "Arrr I got a bounty on me head."

A little old lady... A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer. "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get a…

My army buddy was jerking off one night. He was discharged by dawn.

Parking Tickets So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so…

The Misunderstanding Hi John, This is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home rece…

A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job A man walks into an autobody shop and asks for a rim job. The mechanic gapes at the man for a few seconds and then asks, "What did you say?" "A rim job!" says the man. "My buddy knows all about cars and he took one look at my wheels and said I desperately needed a rim job." Realizing that the man was being made sport of, the mechanic felt that it was his solemn duty to keep the game going. "I'm sorry, sir, but we're strictly front-end…

A British tourist visits a brothel in Germany Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman. They sit and talk, f…

The old lady's two plastic bags.. A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the …

Two men are out golfing The first one goes up to the tee, swinging and hooking it right into a water hazard. He pulls out a second ball from his pocket when his buddy yells at him. "The hell do you think you're doing?" "Well you see, I made a new golf play. I call it 'The Clinton.' You see, I didn't intend to hit it into the hazard, so there's no penalty."