ME: I know it's probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight! BEER: Hey buddy, don't be putting words in my mouth now.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight] "I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja"

So a horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender asks, ""Hey buddy, why the long face?"" The horse looks up and responds, ""I'm out of the job! Sarah Jessica Parker started doing her own stunts.""

A drunk walks into a bar... A drunk walks into a bar carrying a shoebox and says ""Hey bartender, if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free drink?"" Bartender shrugs, and says ""Well, it'd have to be something pretty amazing. Let's have it."" Guy pulls a rat and a tiny piano out of the shoebox and sets them both on the bar. The rat immediately starts playing the most amazing ragtime piano the bartender has ever heard. ""Wow, that's amazing! Here's your free drink!"" The bartender …