Buddy Jokes

Toll Joke my buddy made up. A young new toll operator is having his first day on the job with a skilled veteran of the booth. As they work in their conjoined shift, the veteran points out a gold Mercedes pulling up in the toll line. The Veteran nudges the kid and says "" Dat guy dere ain't gone pay his full toll. "" the young new worker looks at his predecessor like he's crazy. As the car pulls up, the driver is furiously digging for change. ""I am so sorry! All I have is 73 cents!"" The driver …

BLIND, BLOND & BALLSY A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, ""Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"" The man said to the blind man, ""Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"" The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, ""Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times.""

Townes Van Zandt joke A police officer stops a drunk man on the street. Officer: How are you doing this evening, sir? Drunk: Officer, I think somebody stole my car. Officer: Where did you last see it? Drunk: Right at the end of this key. Officer: Alright, buddy, why don't you just call a cab. And zip up your fly while you're at it. Drunk: Ah, man, they got my girl too!

A man goes to a bar and asks for 5 shots of Whiskey and the bartender asks ""Woah buddy, what's the matter?"" the man responds with ""Today I found out my son is gay"". The bartender hands his 5 shots. The next day the man comes back and asks the bartender for 10 shots of Whiskey, the bartender asks ""What's wrong today?"" the man responds with ""Today I found out my father is gay"" the bartender gave him 10 shots. The man is back the next day yet again and asks for 15 shots of Whiskey. The bart…

What did the golfer say to his buddy when he hit a bogey? ""I guess you aren't up to par""

A rope walked into a bar After a long, hard day of work, a piece of rope walked into a bar looking to relax and have a drink. As he walked in, he noticed several of the patrons eyeing him. He made his way to the bar, sat down, and motioned to the bartender. The bartender walked down to where the rope was sitting and lowered his voice, trying to avoid any additional attention. ""Look,"" the bartender said, ""I don't want any trouble here, but we just don't serve your type here, so do us all a fav…

The Talking Dog A man with a dog walks into a talent agent, and says ""I have a talking dog, he'll be the biggest attraction in town"". The agent is skeptical of course but tells the man to proceed. The man says ""okay, Fido, what's on the outside of a tree?"", to which the dog replies ""bark!"" The agent is about to speak, but the man says ""I know what you're thinking, we're not done yet. Fido, how does sandpaper feel?"", and the dog says ""rough!"" The agent starts to say ""listen, buddy"", b…

A man was born with an unfortunate name His name was Joey Pizasheet. During grade school, people made fun of him chanting ""Joey Pizasheet. Joey Piece of Shit"". So after constantly hearing this, he finally decided that when he grew older he would change his name. Years went by and Joey went to study law. And he took the bar when he graduated, thus becoming Attorney Pizasheet. Thus he found iut he could change his name at will. So Joey and his buddy went to the courthouse and had his name change…

I have a pet dog who can speak. Today I walked in to my house, and he was right there waiting for me. I asked him, ""Hai Buddy, How was your day ?"" And he goes: "" rrrrRough ""

Pet skunk A buddy of mine has a pet skunk. Sleeps with him and his wife in their bed. I asked about the smell and he said the skunk got used to it, same as he did.

A scientist is sat at the bar when a scruffy hobo sits down next to him... ""Hey buddy, are you that scientist feller?"" ""... Yes I am. Is there something I can do for you?"" The hobo pulls something out of his pocket. ""I've found this marvelous material that's tough like plastic, stretchy like rubber and sticky like glue."" He hands it to the scientist. ""Why, yes!"" says the scientist ""This is quite a remarkable material. Wherever did you find it?"" ""My nose.""

So, how about a free haircut? A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks ""Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"" The barber look around the shop full of customers and says ""about 2 hours,"" and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks...""how long before I can get a haircut?"" Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says ""about 2 hours."" The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and …

My Buddy is Running a Painting Company This Summer So my buddy at school is running a painting company as a project for one of his business classes this semester. The point of the project is to gain experience as a business owner and not to turn a profit, so the company provides the paint and other supplies and charges a small fee for labor. Generally, the families are extremely appreciative and really nice to talk to. One day, I was helping him put the final coat on a house and I overheard his …

A Crow walks into a bar... looking like he is in a good mood. The bartender says ""hey buddy, the boss still giving you a hard time or did he give you that vacation?"" The crow replies, ""let's just say I finally figured out how to get away with a murder.""

Two men are at the unemployment line The first goes up to the counter. The clerk asks him ""What was your previous occupation?"" He said ""I used to sew the liners in bras"" So the clerk sets $100/week as his benefit. The next guy goes and the clerk asks him the same thing. He says ""I'm a diesel fitter."" So the clerk sets $500/week as his benefits. The first guy is outraged, so he goes and asks why he got such a low benefit as opposed to the other guy. So the clerk says ""Your work was labor, …

Hot and Cold An old man goes into a shop one day to look around. He goes to the counter and sees an item up on shelf he's never seen before. He's asks the girl who's running the cash register, ""What's that new item there on the shelf?"" ""It's a thermos,"" she said. ""It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold."" ""I'll take one to try then!"" The old man says. The next day, the old man brings the thermos to work, and his buddy comes up to him and asks, ""Whatcha got there?"" The old man resp…

Term for the Useless I have a buddy that is on unemployment and disability at the same time... I call it unability!

My new French speaking friend who recently moved to our very English speaking city just got a new dog... My french buddy (we'll call Mikey to save his dignity) got himself a new dog last week. So Mikey wanted to take him to the the dog park and since I have a well trained dog he asked me to come along to give him some pointers. So just the other day I meet him at one of the more popular dog parks in the city. Now Mikey, who is a bit darker with a thick accent is hardcore french and grew up in sm…

From deep in Maine, two woodpeckers are sitting in a tree and are casually talking about the sweetest trees they've had the pleasure to peck. Looking around, their attention focuses on one specific tree in front of them... ""Man, that's one fine looking beech."" The first one said. ""No way, that's just a dope ass birch."" The other replied. And back and forth it went. ""You crazy! That's a beech."" ""No! That's a birch!"" ""I know a beech when I see one, that fine thing is just a beech."" ""And…

A guy goes to the bar for 1 beer on his birthday. Its Jim's birthday and has a night planned with his wife. A buddy intercepts him and talks him into having 1 beer. Jim says OK, but only one, his wife will be waiting for him after all. 2 hours pass, and he hasn't lived up to his promice to his wife, he is shitfaced. Jim is getting ready to leave and his buddy forces him to have one more shot. Jim does the shot and immediately vomits on his shirt. His buddy has a great idea. "" here's $20, slip i…

A man walks into a bar with his talking dog... A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders a beer and a light beer for his talking dog. The bartender stairs at him, says ""yeah, right"" and the dog says ""seriously, make it a Bud Light"". The bartender is amazed. Pretty soon the owner has to break the seal and ask the bartender to watch his dog. While he's gone, the bartender hands the dog $5 and tells him to go across the street to Sully's and order a beer... 5 minutes later the owner comes …

A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him. His neighbor is curious & asks, ""Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"" The man replies, ""You ever tried pushing it?""

Physics Joke A mountain climber goes out drinking with his friends. He starts complaining ""My wife called me annoying last night! She compared me to a mosquito."" His buddy responded. ""You know what they say. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.""

What do you call it when a South African camalid is having problems with her child's school project depicting the 44th president of the United States? Baby llama mamma's Obama diorama drama! From my buddy, John, a guy who is still trying to figure out if he likes Reddit or not.

Chili Joke Guy walks into a restaurant, doesn't know what he wants. At the next table is a guy with a plate of food and a bowl of chili, that looks good he thinks. When the waiter comes by, he says "" I'd like a bowl of chili, and a burger, please"" Waiter says, ""sorry , that was last bowl of chili."" "" Ok just bring the burger"" After awhile he notices the guy next to him seems to be done, and the bowl of chili is still there, full. "" hey, buddy, you gonna eat that?"" "" No"" ""Mind if I do?…