Buddy Jokes

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal....... my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

blowing the Shofar Two old black men are walking down the street one day, when they happen to pass by a Jewish synagogue. Suddenly they hear a strange wailing sound. One old fellow turns to his buddy and says ""What was THAT?!"" The buddy replies ""Well I used to work for a Jewish family, and I happen to know that it was the sound of the Rabbi blowing the Shofar! (NOTE: A ritual ram's horn used for certain services) The first old gentleman thinks for a moments and says, ""Hmmm... Those Jewish fo…

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. ""Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is the funeral for?"…

Im not your friend, buddy

True story: 5 year old me was asked by a backhoe operator, ""Hey Buddy, you wanna drive one of these when you grow up?"" ""No, my Dad wants me to go to college""

I told this one in a thread, so bear with me. A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender takes one look at him and says ""We don't serve bears, please leave."" The bear replies ""give me a beer or shit is going to get real ugly!"" The bartender retorts ""I told you once I told you enough; gtfo."" Our bear spots the local barfly sitting on a stool down the way so he walks over and eats her up in one giant bite. GULP. ""Buddy, you're next."" He says to the barkeep. ""Now get me a bee…

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. May I see your identification, please?"" asked the agent. ""I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"" replied the guy. ""Sure Buddy, I hear that every day. No I.D., no entry,"" said the agent. ""Look, I can prove I'm an American!"" he exclaimed. ""I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side…

A joke I heard on a Townes Van Zandt album. I guess maybe NSFW? Paraphrased a bit. I doubt Mr. Van Zandt would mind, and god knows who he heard it. A cop is out walking the streets in a little town one night when he comes across a drunk man. The drunk is stumbling around the sidewalk back and forth like he's looking for something. Cop asks ""What're you looking for buddy?"" The guy slurs ""My car, officer, they took my car!"" The cop decides to play along because it's been a slow night. ""Alrigh…

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed. ""Damn Bob, you're hung!"" Jim exclaims. ""I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."" ""What do you mean?"" Jim asked. ""Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."" Jim agrees and the two say good bye. A few months later the two are in the same locker…

A man walks into a bar... A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders a beer. A nearby patron asks ""Hey buddy! What's your dog's name?"" ""Engineer"" the man replies. ""Engineer?"" the other asks. ""If I kick him will, he make a bolt for the door?"" he laughs. ""No,"" the man replies, ""but he can make a spring for your nuts.""

Two buddies go duck hunting... Two buddies go duck hunting. They had been hunting for a while when one had to take a dump. So he leans his shotgun up against a fence and goes over to take care of business. Suddenly a strong gust of wind comes along. It blows his shotgun over and it accidentally discharges and shoots him right in the crotch! His buddy freaks out and loads him up in the pickup and starts speeding toward town and the nearest hospital. They finally get him into surgery and he's ther…

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender is a deer but the bear sits down anyway. The deer takes a look at his new patron and says, ""hey buddy, what are you having?"" The bear is still taken back by seeing a deer bartender in these parts and says, ""I'll have a... ... ... Beer."" The deer responds, ""why the big pause?"" EDIT:a word

So a buddy of mine was riding his motorcycle... (This is a joke that my own, dearest father got me with today.) ...and, you know how the underneath of the bike can get pretty hot, under the motor. Well, his boot caught fire! He looks down, and sees that it spread to his pant leg, so he reaches down and tries to pat it out with his glove, and his damn shirt sleeve caught fire! So he pulls the bike over immediately, and he's patting at the flames trying to put himself out, when a cop pulls up behi…

A man promises his wife to quit drinking... ...but that night he let's his buddy talk him into going to happy hour. He ends up getting so drunk he vomits all over himself. Suddenly overcome with guilt, he starts crying to his buddy. ""What am I gonna do? I'm busted for sure."" But his friend has an idea. ""Let me see your wallet."". The man turns it over and the friend reaches in, pulls out a bill, and shoves it in the dirty shirt pocket. ""When you get home, tell your wife you stayed late at th…

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, ""What'll it be, buddy?"" The man says, ""Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."" The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. ""You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."" The bartender …

A buddy of mine was watching American Chopper... So he turns to his old lady and says ""I need to get me another hog one of these days"". She retorts, ""like hell you're getting a goddam motorcycle"". He fires back ""who said anything about a motorcycle? I'm gonna go get me a new fatass girlfriend"".

Backpack makes me run faster So there were these guys practicing some bushcraft and shit. One guy had this big heavy backpack on his back, and a smaller bag with his bushcraft stuff. His buddy asked him, what the big backpack is for, and the answer was ""Its to run better"". ""But how?"" - asked the first buddy. ""Yeah when I take it off I run much faster"".

Old guy told me a story of how he lost his teeth. I was at a bar one night and one woman, ugly and fat as can be, walked in. She noticed me and came up behind me and smacked my behind. ""Hey buddy, I like old guys, so how about you give me your number?"" She said. I turned around to look at her with a pause. ""You got a pen?"" ""Sure do."" ""Well you'd better get back in it before the farm realizes you're missing."" My surgery is next Monday.

My gym buddy and I were doing situps when he decided that he wanted to add some extra weight on his chest. So I said ""Your mother tried to love you but you never met any of her expectarions. You are such a disappointment and is probably the reason why your father left you on your 10th birthday"". Apparently it was a little too heavy.

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator... ...It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, ""Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."" The guy says, ""No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."" He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 m…

Two men go hunting In an unfortunate accident one of them accidentally shoots his buddy who falls down immediately and stops moving. In panic he immediately calls 911 and explains the situation: ""Hello miss, I accidentally shot my buddy while hunting! He looks dead, can you send help please!"" The lady answers: ""okay calm down and follow my steps, can you make sure to know if he really is dead?"" The hunter says: ""sure, just a second"" *BANG* ""Okay, what's the next step?""

My wife just told me she loves her man more than anything in the world. I don't know where you are buddy, but I'm gonna find you and and kick your ass.

Hey buddy I was reminded of you this morning. But then I flushed the toilet and went on about my business.

The golfer's wife A man gets into an argument with his wife because she thinks he plays too much golf. The man gets so enraged that he beats her to death with a golf club. The man is so excited to have gotten her out of his life that he runs and tells one of his golf buddies that he can now play as much golf as he wants since he beat his wife to death with one of his clubs. The golf buddy thinks for a moment then asks ""what's par?""

Time in a prisoner-of-war camp 3 prisoners of war - an Englander, an American and an Irishman are marched in to see the German commandant. The commandant says, "" I vill let you go if you say, ""tick tock"". Say ""tick tock"" and I vill let you go."" So the Englander says, ""tick tock old chap"", and the German says, ""you may go"" The American says, ""tick tock buddy"", and the German says, ""you may go"". The Irishman thinks to himself that this must be some form of trickery, so he says, ""TIC…