Buddy Jokes

A guy in a bar is so drunk he can hardly stay on the stool. The bartender says, ""Hey pal, I think you had enough, I'm shutting you off."" ""What for,"" says the guy. ""Because you're drunk,"" the bartender replies. ""I ain't drunk & I'll prove it,"" the lush says. ""See that cat coming in the door, he only has one eye."" The bartender says, ""Wow buddy, you're more plastered than I thought. That cat ain't coming in, he's going out!""

A man receives marriage-saving advice from his buddy on how to hide his drinking shenanigans, and here's how he uses it. John comes home stumbling drunk with vomit on his jacket. His wife is tired of this behavior, and gives him an ultimatum, ""John, you're my husband and I love you. I don't even mind that you drink. But I swear to god if you come home this drunk again, I'm leaving you."" John nods his head in shame, showers, and sleeps on the couch. The very next day, John gets coaxed by his bu…

A golden retriever walks into a bar Stop reading if you heard this one before. The dog sits at the bar, locks eyes with the bartender and wearily says ""One beer, one shot, please."" The bartender says ""Holy moly! A talking dog! You should be in the circus, buddy!"" The goldie says ""Why? Do they need an electrician?""

My buddy drowned the other day I placed a life jacket in his coffin It's what he would've wanted

This guy Bob says to his friend at dinner, I know more people than you would believe... Bono happened to be in the bar so Bob excuses himself and meets Bono in the restroom and asks a favor of him to come by the table and pretend he knows him because it would mean alot to his son. Sure enough Bono comes over and says ""hi Bob"" to the astonishment of his friend. Next week they're eating at the same joint and Tony Bennett is singing, and once again he corners Tony in the restroom. Sure enough lat…

A man and his pet owl go out to the bar together It's about 5pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, and eating peanuts. As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shots, one after the other. Finally, the bartender says: ""Last call."" So, the man says, ""One more for me... and one more for my Owl."" The bartender sets them up and they down them. Suddenly, the Owl falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, p…

A guy and his buddy went golfing... and one noticed the other only brought one ball. Guy 1: ""Hey, what are you going to do if you lose that ball?"" Guy 2: ""Well, it happens that this ball is impossible to lose."" Guy 1: ""Impossible to lose? What if you hit it in the water?"" Guy 2: ""The ball floats."" Guy 1: ""Ok, but what about when it gets pitch black and you hit it in the rough?"" Guy 2: ""No problem, it glows in the dark."" Guy 1: ""Wow, that's really cool! Where can I buy one?"" Guy 2: …

A man wants to leave work early Two men are bullshitting at work, when the one says, ""I'm gonna try to get out of work early today, I'll act like I'm crazy."" The other man shrugs and tells him to go for it, so he does; he just starts hooping and hollering, banging on all the machinery, and finally climbing up the rafters shouting ""Look at me I'm a light bulb! I'm a light bulb!"" The foreman, upon finally seeing the source of the ruckus, tells the man to go home, and that he's crazy. The man g…

A buddy and I are in the same programming class My friend starts writing down a note I look at it He says ""Hay! That note is private"" I respond ""But we are in the same class""

I got my first prostate exam today and I was pretty scared about the whole ordeal. The doctor took me in the room and explained it's not all that bad and it would be over before I knew it. After a few preliminary checkups I got ready and went ahead and laid over the exam table and tried to prepare myself for what was coming. I tensed up at first and the doctor put a hand on my right shoulder and said, ""relax,okay big guy! It's all gonna be over soon I just need to check for enlargements."" Abou…

A joke about a guy's first day in prison, from the first joke book I ever owned. Jim arrives at the prison where he has to serve out his 10 year sentence. After the formalities involved in processing, he was shown to his cell, which he had to share with another inmate. Overwhelmed by the thought of spending the next ten years in this miserable place, he spends most of the day in bed staring at the ceiling. At 10 PM, the guards conducted roll-call, locked all the cells, and turned off the lights.…

A guy and his buddy are walking down the street And they see a dog on the sidewalk licking his own balls. The guy says ""shit, I wish I could do that"". His buddy says ""shouldn't you at least pet him first?""

What does a shooting star say to his buddy before he dies? ""Meet me - oh, right..""

Patty and Mike immigrate to the United States with a bottle of whiskey. Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mike, immigrated to the United States with only the clothes on their backs and a 12 year old bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They agreed to never touch the bottle until both had found their fortune, and they would share that bottle to celebrate. They both went on to amass fortunes, but they never seemed to find the time to get together and drink that bottle. One day, Mike gets a call from Paddy's wife, …

So buddy, how's life in North Korea? I can't complain.

So, I visited my buddy at the hospital... ...but I couldn't find his room. After an hour of searching, I met a helpful nurse who told me to ""head straight, take a right, and then head through Ward E"". Once I got to Ward E, I could see my buddy's room just down the hall. As I was walking, I noticed a few nurses lingering around the hallways. I politely greeted them, but to my surprise they turned to me and immediately starting insulting me. Insults of every kind, from ""Your face looks like it …

A snail goes up to the valet and hands him his ticket ""What kind of car is it, sir?"" the valet asks. ""It's got a big S on it, can't miss it."" Sure enough, the valet finds the one with a big S on it and drives it back. The snail gets in and peels off faster than any car the valet had ever seen. The valet says to his buddy, ""Man, look at that S car go.""

I need filth! I'm sure it's been done before...but I want your filthiest, dirtiest, raunchiest jokes that you've ever heard. Me and a work buddy are trying to out joke one another. So I'd figured I'd ask you guys! Disgust me! What's the worst part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.

A man walks into a bar... ... and sees a horse behind the counter. After a minute, the horse yells at him. ""Whatsamatter, buddy? Never seen a horse tending bar before?"" ""It's not that,"" said the man, ""It's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place!""

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, ""Hey."" The horse says, ""You read my mind, buddy.""

My buddy told me this hilarious joke earlier about Albert Einstein getting a handjob... What a stroke of genius!

Pope Francis gets a new car. He's in Chicago for an appearance. His regular car is obviously not there and due to some mixup all they have is a huge SUV. When Francis sees this beast he thinks for a second. ""Hey, I've been kind of curious about these things. Do you mind if I drive?"" What are you supposed to say when the Pope asks that? ""Sure thing,"" says the driver. He hops in back and Francis gets behind the wheel. Francis is a little unused to all that engine power so they're lurching arou…

Exercise?! Guy goes to the doctor with a terrible ear infection. ""Yo Doc, you gotta help me with my ears! They're killin' me and I think I'm starting to lose my hearing too!"" Doctor: ""Here ya go buddy, put these drops in your ears and you'll feel much better. And while you're at it, get some exercise!! (doctor pokes patient in the belly). Come back in two weeks, and let's see how you're doing."" Man goes back to the doctor two weeks later, and his belly has tripled in size! Doctor: ""What the…

A pirate walks into a bar. He has the helm of a ship sticking out of his pants. The bartender very timidly asks him if he would like a drink. ""Arrrgh I'll have a pint of grog!"" The bartender gets him his drink, and everyone in the bar starts to whisper to each other about the pirate. After his third glass of grog, the bartender walks up to the pirate and says, ""hey buddy, everybody is wondering, what's with the steering wheel sticking out your pants?"" ""Arrrgh its me wife. She's been driving…

Magnetizing I came up with this one in my head on a random day. Told it to some people, got good results, wonder what Reddit thinks? Sorry if this has been told before, but differently! So I was in class with my buddy. We're getting close to graduation. Thus, all the teachers are forcing us to watch the dreadful TED talks. I can't even remember what it was about. I looked at my buddy, and I said, ""wow this is so magnetizing!"" I proceeded to fall asleep. My friend wakes me up later and remarks,…