Buddy Jokes

A Loving Grandpa A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, ""Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."" Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, ""It's okay, William, j…

So a horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender asks, ""Hey buddy, why the long face?"" The horse looks up and responds, ""I'm out of the job! Sarah Jessica Parker started doing her own stunts.""

A drunk walks into a bar... A drunk walks into a bar carrying a shoebox and says ""Hey bartender, if I show you something amazing, will you give me a free drink?"" Bartender shrugs, and says ""Well, it'd have to be something pretty amazing. Let's have it."" Guy pulls a rat and a tiny piano out of the shoebox and sets them both on the bar. The rat immediately starts playing the most amazing ragtime piano the bartender has ever heard. ""Wow, that's amazing! Here's your free drink!"" The bartender …

So a man walks in to a CVS.. and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size condom he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says ""Medium"". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy ""Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your condom size just by looking!"". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says ""large"". He calls his friend when he gets home and is…

Gentlemen...BEHOLD! Puns. What do you call a cool mushroom?...A fun guy!!! A neutron walks into a bar. ""I'd like a beer"" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. ""How much will that be?"" asks the neutron. ""For you?"" replies the bartender, ""no charge"" A guy walks into a restaurant, and takes a seat. Across the room he see's a panda bear eating a large pile of bamboo. Upon finishing the bamboo a waiter comes to the pandas table. The panda then shoots the waiter in the head, gets u…

Two bats are sitting in a cave... ...one looks at the other a says, ""I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood"". So he flew out of the cave. About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, ""Wow! How did you get all that blood?"". ""Well..."", he replies, ""you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."" ""Yeah?"", says his buddy. He replies, ""Well.....I didn't"".

Yet another damn genie joke A man is walking on the beach in California when he trips over a lamp in the sand. A genie emerges and says, ""You've freed me after being in that lamp for a thousand years! In gratitude, I will give you one wish."" The man thinks for a bit and says, ""You know, I'd like to visit Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of boats and airplanes. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii?"" ""Come on, buddy, I've been in a lamp for a thousand years; I want to get out and see the world. …

A co-worker is selling her car... She tells me, ""The problem is my car has over 150,000 miles so no one will give me more than $6,000 for it, and I need at least $10,000 to get a new car."" I fill her in: ""I have a friend who is a car mechanic. He can 'fix' your mileage issue. You'll have a new car in no time."" So I get her car on a Friday to give it to my buddy for the weekend. I get it back to her with only 75,000 miles on the odometer. ""Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!"" she exclaimed.…

Be careful what you wish for.. A man walks into a bar one day carrying a paper bag. He sits at the bar and orders a drink. After pouring him his drink the barthender is overcome with curiosity and asks the man about the bag. Glad to oblige, the man pulls out a tiny piano, and stool. Then he pulls out a small man, standing about a foot tall. The man sits at the piano and begins playing Beethoven. ""That's amazing!"" cries the bartender. ""Where did you get that?"" ""I wished for it."" said the ma…

3 men die and go to heaven. (different joke) They arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter says, ""To determine whether you get to enter heaven or hell, you must state how you died. The first man steps forward and says,""Well, I was on my balcony of my 32nd story apartment. I was leaning on the railing, and it snapped off. I fell down, and lucky grabbed hold of the railing of the apartment below me. Then, some crazy guy came out of the apartment and pushed me off, and I fell to the concrete belo…

A black bartender opens the bar early in the afternoon... ...and lets in a tiny old Chinese man, who is waiting at the door for the bar to open. As he comes in, he nods to the bartender, saying, ""Gimme a jigga, nigga!"" The bartender is fairly jaded to the racist world around him and says nothing, serving the old man a jigger of liquor. The Chinese man downs the drink and as he slaps the glass against the counter, says again, ""Gimme a jigga, nigga!"" The black man pours the drink, shaking his …

Two Native Americans Unwittingly walk into a gay bar and sit down to order a pitcher of beer. As they're sitting there sucking back on their ale, a gay guy walks up and says, ""How would you boys like a blow job?"" The one Indian stands up and decks the guy, knocking him unconscious. He then sits back down and finishes his beer. His buddy looks over and says, ""Hey Joe, what did you do that for?"" Joe replies, ""Not sure but it was something about getting a job!""

A midget with a speech impediment One day this rancher gets a phone call from one of his high school buddies . His buddy says that he has a friend that is interested in buying a horse and naturally he referred him to his buddy. The rancher said ""That's fine, what does the guy look like so that when he shows up I knows who to look for."" The buddy says, ""Oh, well he's a midget with a speech impediment you can't miss him."" ""Alright,"" said the rancher Later in the day this car pulls into the r…

I introduced my ex girlfriend to a buddy who has epilepsy She was always saying she loved vibrators.

Engineer in Hell An engineer dies and goes to hell. After a while, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in there and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, hell has air conditioning, flushing toilets, water fountains and escalators - making the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God phones Satan up and asks with a sneer: ""Hey buddy, how's it goin down there in hell?"" Satan snickered back, ""Things are going great actually. We've got air conditioning,…

A mailman is baffled at how to mail a letter addressed ""to the greatest drummer in the world."" So what is he supposed to do? He's gotta send it. He hoofs it back to the post office, and shows it to his boss. The boss says, ""come on man, send it to Chick Webb."" So he does. Chick Webb, the bandleader from Baltimore, sees the letter on his kitchen table and says, ""Jesus! That can't be for me. I'm good, but come on. That's gotta be for Gene Krupa."" He scribbles out his name, puts in Krupa's ad…

Guy dies and goes down to hell.... He's standing a a big red room when a door opens and Satan walks in, ""Hi, Lucifer Mourningstar, how you doing buddy? Take a seat, how ya doing?!?"" ""Not good man, not good at all"" the guy says, ""Why not good?"" Satan asks... ""Well I'm here, and you're you... This is just not good"" Satan replies, ""Nonsense! What day is it today?"" ""When I died it was Monday..."" Satan offers him a cigar, ""do ya smoke?"" ""Yeah man! ...oh that's probably why I'm here, sm…

A guy walks into a doctor's office... ...with corn in his ears, a carrot shoved up his nose and a potato in his butt. Doctor says, ""Buddy, you're not eating right...""

Two guys are hiking in the woods... Two guys are hiking in the woods when one gets bit on the asscheek by a snake. His friend calls 911 and asks what to do. The responder says to put his mouth on the bite and suck the venom out. He promptly hangs up the phone and his friend says ""what did they say"" He replies, ""You're gonna die buddy""

A man and his buddy walk out of a bar and see a dog licking himself... One looks to the other and says, ""I wish I could do that!"". His buddy looks at him and says, ""He would probably bite you"".

Funny when it's not funny: I need jokes for a funeral / eulogy. Hey, reddit. A good buddy of mine has died. He was always the life of the party, always had fresh jokes, and would absolutely hate the idea of a depressing, somber funeral. His friends have arranged a casual dress only (he hated dressing up), open mic style celebration of his life. One of the greatest things I've seen in my entire life is [this eulogy for Graham Chapman by John Cleese.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7x9uhrg4Hs) I'…

Shipwrecked! After a messy divorce, a middle aged man decides he needs to take some time for himself, and decides to take a cruise in the South Pacific to let off some steam and relax. He's enjoying the trip, relaxing and mostly keeping to himself, when suddenly the clouds darken and a huge storm springs up. The ship begins to pitch and roll. People are panicking. The captain announces that the ship is going to sink. Just as the man slips on his life jacket and begins to head for the lifeboats a…

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit

9 months later 9 Months Later Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in …

A guy walks into a bar and orders 10 whiskey shots, 5 tequila shots, and 12 rum shots all in one glass The bartender obliges and pours out this concoction, the man proceeds to down the entire glass in one shot. The bartender says ""Whoah, whoah, whoah! What's going on buddy?"" The guy responds ""You'd drink like this too if you had what I have,"" and the bartender asks, ""What have you got?"" The man replies ""A dollar"" and walks out of the bar.